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Dating a separated man puts you in a tricky situation, and if you are already dating one, you must know what you are getting into. A married man is still the legal husband of his wife and has responsibilities towards her and the family. He does not live with his spouse but is not officially divorced or single. Understanding the complexities of dating a separated man is crucial as courtship with such a man is a risky affair involving several complications. Read through this post to know everything before getting into a relationship with a separated man and the problems you might face when dating him.
Key Pointers
- Dating a separated man could be a challenging and complex affair.
- It is wise to comprehend the problems and other vital factors before pursuing your relationship with a separated man.
- Learning about his past relationship, separation status, financial situation, and other important aspects might eventually help you make a well-informed decision.
Is It Okay To Date A Separated Man?
It is okay to date a separated man if you are willing to take on the risk attached to it. He comes with legal, financial, and even emotional baggage. He will still be visiting his wife and children regularly. His spouse could be trying to save their marriage. You have to be extremely patient to accept it and work hard to keep the relationship strong.
If you really love this man, wait until all his divorce proceedings are finalized, and only then look for a serious relationship with him. A guy who loves you will be patient and understand your need for security.
Problems You Might Face Dating A Separated Man
A relationship with a separated man is complicated in several ways. Besides compatibility and chemistry, there are several other aspects of this relationship. Here are some of the risks and problems you are likely to face when dating him.
1. Rebound and family attachment
The biggest risk of dating a separated man is that you could be his rebound. Since he is not legally out of wedlock, it means he could be having feelings for her. In time, he might even miss his family and get back to them, leaving you in the lurch.
For this reason, many women avoid dating men who are separated but legally married. Jaime Alexis Stathis, a writer, shares her experience of being in a relationship with a man she believed was divorced, only to discover that he was separated. She says, “I would never have gotten involved with a separated man. Married men looking for dates are on my permanent blacklist. In my opinion, separated people need to wait it out. I’m leery of anyone getting out of a relationship who needs someone else waiting in the wings (i).”
Do remember2. Emotional baggage
A recently separated man may be looking for some support and not a new relationship.
You may end up becoming his unofficial therapist as he vents his dissatisfaction with his ex or life. For instance, he may tell you how much he misses his children during holidays and how frustrated he is by his ex’s behavior, making you feel like a relationship counselor.
You do not want a relationship that revolves around him complaining about his ex or missing his ex and you listening patiently. You may think that lending a listening ear will make him see that you’re the right one for him, but once you create this therapeutic dynamic, you may end up being stuck in a cycle of listening to his troubles and reassuring him and he may not do the same for you.
Remember that his devotion towards his family and children could be both a blessing and a curse for your relationship. You can tell him that while you care about his well-being, you do not feel comfortable discussing issues that are best discussed with a therapist or his ex. You can also ask him open-ended questions, like “How do you feel about making a fresh start?” or “What do you want to hope to find in a new relationship?” to gauge his emotional maturity. It can also help determine if he is ready for a committed relationship or still entangled in his past.
3. Insecurity
The fact that he is not legally separated from his wife leaves a door for him to go back to her. This may make you feel insecure about the relationship. Dating a married man also comes with other issues.
For instance, he may have to meet his ex for divorce and other legal proceedings, which can leave you feeling jealous of their proximity. There may also come a time when he may choose to meet his ex over you, making you feel neglected. To help combat this, consider having a conversation with him about setting up boundaries with his ex-wife, which can help you feel more comfortable.
4. Long legal process
Divorce is a long, expensive, and even painful process.
If assets, finances, and children are involved, then the process can get ugly as both parties can get aggressive in these matters. You need to assess your emotional resilience and ask yourself if you are ready to go through all those legal and other complications for the sake of your partner before committing to the relationship.
5. Change of mind
Long divorce proceedings can change people. Chances are you support him throughout his legal battle, but once things are settled, he might change his mind and not be ready to get into a serious relationship with you.
For instance, let’s say you’ve been with him for a year by the time his divorce is finalized, but by then, he has realized he’s not ready for a relationship yet. To avoid being heartbroken in this situation, speak to him beforehand to assess his commitment to the relationship. Set your boundaries with him and offer unconditional support only when you are sure of his word.
6. Social stigma
Dating a separated man may project you in a bad light if you live in a conservative society. People might judge you and say unpleasant things about you. This is because they may have strong opinions about relationships, and they speak ill of those who defy conventional norms. For instance, people may gossip and spread rumors accusing you of destroying your significant other’s marriage, even though he was separated from his ex-wife before you met. This can make you feel isolated.
However, remember what others think of you is none of your business. People are entitled to their opinions, and you don’t have to change their minds. Surround yourself with good friends and create a strong support system. Stand by what you think is right, and stay away from people who try to let you down.
10 Things You Need To Know About Dating A Separated Man
If you have made up your mind and are sure about dating a separated man, you need to know about the following aspects of his life.
1. Type of separation
The first thing you need to be sure about your partner is the type of separation he is involved in.
Is he on a trial separation with his spouse or permanently separated? Has the divorce proceedings started, or is he yet to file for divorce? His separation status can have some serious repercussions; hence, you need to be sure about his liability as a spouse. You may ask him some questions to figure out the status of his separation.
For instance, who initiated the separation, him or his wife? If it was him, what made him choose to walk away? Also, ask him about the end goal of his separation. Is he looking to divorce, or is he taking time to rethink things before attempting reconciliation? Is dating before divorce going to affect the judge’s ruling about the divorce? Does his ex know that you are dating him? If not, why?
Ideally, he should be completely entrenched in separation so you can commit to him.
2. Duration of separation
Next, you need to know how long he has been separated from his spouse and at what stage they are in their legal course for a divorce. Is it been only a few months since their separation, and are there any chances of reconciliation between them? Or have they been separated for a considerable amount of time?
Remember, there is a world of difference between a man freshly separated from his wife and a man whose divorce is nearly finalized. If he has been separated for less than 6 months, chances are that he may have lingering feelings for his ex and want to rekindle that relationship. Or, he may still be wounded from his separation and treat you as a rebound partner. Both of these things will be unfair to you.
3. Number of children
Does your partner have children with his former spouse? If yes, ask yourself if you are willing to date someone with kids and become a step-parent. Children can change the dynamics of a relationship.
You also have to learn to curb your jealousy if kids are involved. For instance, if the child falls sick or needs to be picked up and their mother is unable to take over for whatever reason, your partner will have to step in. Your partner may also have partial or full custody of the child after the divorce is finalized.
So, if you are not ready to be a parent to a child, and you don’t want to share your partner with his ex-wife and children, you shouldn’t take the relationship forward as it won’t be fair to you or your partner.
4. Reason for separation
Your man may have been married once or multiple times before. Also, find out if there has been a case of infidelity on his part that caused the separation. If so, can you trust him now?
Take your relationship slow and get to know him and his circumstances properly before committing to him. Have honest conversations and find out how emotionally ready he is for a new relationship or if he is looking for a serious long-term partner at all.
5. Duration of previous relationships
Sometimes, some men develop a relationship pattern where they cannot stay committed to one person for long. You need to find out the duration of your partner’s past relationships. Was he in a long-term relationship, or did he separate within a short period of the union? If his marriage did not last long, find out why.
There is much difference between a man who was barely married for a couple of years and a man who was married for a decade or longer before deciding to separate and divorce. That being said, every person and their circumstances are different, so take time and learn everything you need to know before dating him seriously.
Point to consider6. Financial condition
If you consider settling down with this person, ask him about his financial standing. Research conducted using data from the Panel Study of Income Dynamics has shown that contrary to popular belief, men are worse off financially after separation and divorce, primarily due to the loss of their spouse’s income (1). They must also account for other expenses, like child support, alimony, tuition, healthcare, and monthly expenses. Government assistance, like tax breaks or welfare, doesn’t make that much of a difference.
In rare circumstances when the man is not very dependent on his wife’s income, his financial situation is improved after the separation. However, it is important to know if his assets belong to him or if he shares them with his wife. Do not be suspicious of your man, but be sure he is not in any debt that will eventually affect your relationship.
7. Emotional availability
Before committing to this guy, you need to be sure he is emotionally available to you. He may be physically loyal to you but he needs to show emotional loyalty too. He cannot be seeing you if he is still spending more time with his separated wife.
He also cannot constantly speak to you about his ex-wife, which is what led North Carolina-based poet and blogger Clover Mahoney to call it quits with her year-long partner. She writes, “For the past year I have been dating and indeed been in a full-blown love relationship with a man who is still married. He is however, separated and is going through a contentious divorce where (with) his wife. What I can say at the outset, is that after all I have gone through this year, “Don’t do it”! (ii)”
So, your partner must be completely detached from his previous relationship and must be on the same page as you. He needs to have the same commitment level as you to feel togetherness.
8. Dating exclusivity
Are you the only person he is seeing, or has he kept his options open? Fidelity is usually a big concern for most partners. Before committing to him, ensure that you both share the same view on the relationship. He should not be going on dates with potential partners if he sees you. Also, consider if he is with you only for physical intimacy or if there is an emotional connection as well. Make your intentions and expectations clear early on in the relationship.
9. Feelings for his ex
What does he feel for his ex? Is he okay talking about her, or does he get angry at the mention of her name? Does he still carry affection in his heart for her? If he still harbors resentment for his ex, he still carries the baggage and is not ready for a new relationship.
The bitterness in his mind for his former spouse shows his attachment to her that can be detrimental to your relationship. A separated man may have respect and admiration for his spouse – nothing more, nothing less.
10. Living condition
Your man may say he is over his ex, but if he still lives with her in the same house, chances are, he is not true to his words. There may be reasons such as he is waiting to get a good price to sell his house, or his wife is still dependent on him, so he cannot leave her alone until she gets a job.
No matter the reason, such a situation is messy, and you must stay away from it. It is best to date a man who lives separately from his ex-wife. If they share a living space, it will lead to feelings of jealousy and cause unnecessary drama, which is best avoided.
Red Flags When Dating A Separated Man
When dating a separated man, besides the potential risks and pitfalls, there are certain red flags in his behavior you should look out for. Here are some common ones:
- He is vague about the separation: If he does not wish to discuss the reason behind the separation or avoids speaking about the divorce process, he may not be fully inclined to separate from his spouse.
- He does not give you proof of his separation: If your partner refuses to show you proof of separation or impending divorce or avoids the topic entirely, he may be lying about his marital situation.
- He uses you for emotional support: If he depends on you entirely for emotional support instead of seeking professional help or resolving his issues on his own, it is likely an unhealthy and one-sided relationship.
- He constantly badmouths his ex: It is normal to vent about his situation once in a while, but if your partner is constantly speaking negatively about his ex, he may have some unresolved issues that can cause problems in your relationship later on.
- He pressurizes you to rush into the relationship: If the man is constantly pushing you to commit to him even before his divorce is finalized, he may just be looking for a rebound relationship or a replacement for his spouse, and he is not looking for a genuine partner.
- He talks about getting back together with his ex: If the man is inclined to fix his relationship with his ex and give their marriage another chance even when he is dating you, it means he has not made up his mind, and he’s going to be emotionally unavailable.
- He is unwilling to discuss boundaries: If he is not willing to discuss what he expects from you in terms of emotional involvement before his divorce is finalized or about how much distance he maintains from his ex-wife, it can lead to a messy situation.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Is dating while separated cheating?
No. Dating someone after separation is not cheating, especially when you don’t wish to get back together with your ex-partner. Instead, dating someone may help you move on faster and boost your confidence and self-image.
2. How long after a separation is it okay to start dating?
There is no fixed timeframe as to when you can start dating after separation. However, it is not advised to be in a rebound relationship immediately as it may break your heart again. So, take some time to heal and process your feelings before starting dating again. Also, ensure your dating does not hamper the divorce proceedings.
3. What is the hardest part of separation?
Many say deciding to part ways is the most challenging part of separating from your partner. The loneliness that separation brings, especially if you have a long-term relationship, can also be hard to deal with.
4. How does separation affect a man?
A man can experience frustration, anger, sadness, grief, and relief when he separates from a partner. One study found that men who were unaware of the impending separation were more likely to remain distressed one to two years after separating. In addition, men with lower occupational status and those who lived alone were more likely to recover poorly from mental distress (2). While women are more likely to have the support of friends and family, men often live through it alone, which can be especially hard.
5. How to communicate about the relationship with a separated man?
For a relationship with a separated man to work, you need to be open communicators. You have to provide him the space to express his feelings and share his thoughts without fear of judgment. Setting aside time for regular check-ins about the relationship can also be beneficial. This way, you can build trust and understanding, which are crucial for navigating any complex relationship.
Dating a separated man may come with its own set of challenges. It is wise to commit to such a relationship only if he is to be divorced soon. This is particularly important if kids are involved as they can be a substantial influence for someone to change their mind. You must keep communication lines always open to have a better understanding of his personality while telling him about your requirements. You may have to compromise on a lot of things as well. You may avoid ending up being his casual fling by asking him to let his family know about you. This will also prevent other complications that may arise later. Offer him your emotional support but make sure he is being honest and truthful while presenting his side of the story.
Infographic: Red Flags In Dating A Separated Man
You cannot choose the person you love. But if you’ve fallen for a separated man, you must take things slow until his divorce or separation agreement is finalized. So until then, you can take the time to analyze the man and your future relationship. Here are a few warning signs to look out for during your dating period. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Illustration: Dating A Separated Man: 10 Things You Need To Know
Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team
Dating a separated man comes with its sets of challenges. Learn about the love and complexities involved when dating someone going through a divorce. This video shares first-hand insights and stories about dating a husband before his divorce.
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. Discovering my boyfriend has a wife.https://jaimestathis.com/2015/04/24/discovering-my-boyfriend-has-a-wife/
ii. The Pitfalls of dating a Separated Man.
https://medium.com/@turtlesongs09/the-pitfalls-of-dating-a-separated-man-46403e6921b6
References
- Patricia A. McManus et. al.; (2001); Losers and Winners: The Financial Consequences of Separation and Divorce for Men.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/246727336_Losers_and_Winners_The_Financial_Consequences_of_Separation_and_Divorce_for_Men - The Effects of Marital Separation on Men.
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J279v12n01_04?journalCode=wzjd20
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