Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Relationship: Types And Rules

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When the idea of relationships came into being, people believed them to be binary. However, as the world continued to evolve, the meaning got broader, and the term ethical non-monogamy was added. Just like other types of relationships, such as “friends with benefits,” “vee,” or “quad polyamory,” ethical non-monogamy was added. It’s a complicated form of relationship in the urban world. So, without any further ado, keep reading to know more.

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy is a type of relationship where the partners are free to explore physical or romantic relationships with other people. Unlike conventional non-monogamy, partners in ethical non-monogamy give consent to one another to have intimate interactions with other individuals. Therefore, the most notable hallmark of this form of relationship is that all parties are willing to be in this type of relationship. Non-monogamy is not rare in the US; 3-7% of adults in the US may be in consensual non-monogamous relationships, with around 25% having had some past experience with it (1).

Types Of Ethical Non-Monogamy

Although it’s easy to lump all ethical non-monogamy together, there are many types of ethical non-monogamy. Each of these applies to different individuals and caters to various desires and levels of comfort.

1. Polygamy

Polygamy is older than conventional monogamist marriages in many societies around the world. Some religions permit people to have several spouses, a widespread practice in some countries. Although this has its own set of advantages and disadvantages, there are often problems associated with polygamy in the religious context.  Polygamy is quite rare, with only 2% of the world’s population involved in polygamous relationships (2). Recently, the concept of monogamish has been introduced for people interested in polygamy. Polygamous relationships may be safe if all parties agree.

2. Swinging

Swinging is likely one of the earliest known forms of non-monogamy outside of marriage. Swinging typically entails two or more couples consensually swapping romantic partners to have physical relations with someone else.

This is a relatively common type of non-monogamy with a reasonably well-established social subset of people who practice it (“Swingers”). It may also include having a third romantic partner of either gender or even multiple partners in a group environment, rather than simply “swapping” partners or spouses.

3. Open relationships

The phrase “open relationships” refers to those who enjoy being in a relationship but will often participate in romantic or physical acts with other people, with their partner’s permission and approval. It is not limited by age or gender and often involves bringing other people into a couple’s romantic life. However, most open relationships have pre-established guidelines that adherents are supposed to follow for their pleasure, protection, and to prevent unwanted feelings, such as envy.

4. Monogamish

It is a type of relationship where the two partners are primarily in a monogamous relationship but have sexual encounters with others occasionally with prior consent from each other. It allows partners to explore their sexual needs outside their marriage with no commitments and emotional involvement like in open relationships.

5. Polyamory / Polyfidelity

A few polyamorous relationship rules are similar to those of open relationships. However, polyamorous interactions are not limited to intimate relations. Instead, it is about forging full-fledged romantic relationships with other people. A person in a polyamorous relationship will have a romantic, love-based relationship with people beyond their primary romantic partner. These relationships are not as uncommon as you may think; in a study involving a US Census-based quota sample of 3,348 single adults, 10.9% of people admitted to having engaged in polyamory at some point in their lives (3).

Polyamorous relationships involve going on dates or celebrating anniversaries with other partners. However, in hierarchical polyamory relationships, priority may be assigned to certain partners over others. It means having a “primary” partner, “secondary” partner or “tertiary” partner.

6. Polyaffective

Polyaffective relationship is a non-intimate relationship between two individuals usually related to one another through a polyamorous relationship. For example, two persons in a polyamorous or open relationship with the same person could become close to one another, but without any intimacy in the equation. Such individuals could be considered to be in a polyaffective relationship.

People in polyaffective relationships could be in a heterosexual or same-gender polyamorous relationship. They typically regard each other as good friends or best friends.

7. Relationship anarchy

Relationship anarchy is a niche of non-monogamous individuals who do not like to give a conventional definition to their relationship at all. Rather than adhering to relationship expectations and meanings, they prefer to have an organic relationship that can develop and adapt according to both partners’ needs and desires.

They are frequently critical of relationship definitions that categorize people based on their physical preferences or marital status. They oppose the idea of defined rules and limits in a relationship, believing that love should push the boundaries of a relationship rather than imposed restrictions. They firmly believe that people can have a fulfilling relationship without conforming to societal expectations or compromising their needs.

Do remember

Never confuse cheating with ethical non-monogamy. Cheating involves forming a secret romantic or physical connection with someone outside the relationship, while ethical non-monogamy involves consensual and open relationships with multiple partners.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Vs. Polyamory

Although people who are ethically non-monogamous can practice polygyny (having multiple wives) and polyandry (having multiple husbands), polyamory is based on having romantic feelings for more than one individual.

“Poly” means “multiple,” and “Amor” means “love.” Polyamory differentiates itself by its intent to explore physical or romantic tendencies with multiple partners simultaneously. Three polyamorous people may not want to be in a relationship (known as a throuple or polycule) with someone outside the trio, while a non-monogamous couple or trio might be open to such a relationship. Therefore, non-monogamy may include polyamory, but it is not synonymous with it.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Vs. Open Relationship

Ethical non-monogamy could include other aspects of a relationship, such as love and emotional intimacy. However, open relationships are often focused on having physical relationships freely outside a committed relationship. Thus, the predominantly intimate nature of the person’s desires when seeking an external relationship differentiates plain or standard ethical non-monogamous relationships from open relationships.

People in open relationships also tend to avoid investing too much emotional energy in their partners because their primary motivation is to have another (or multiple) romantic partners with their partner’s consent. Many open relationships have rules to ensure that neither party is too emotionally invested in the relationship to prevent crossing the line from casual to serious.

Why Does Someone Choose Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Every individual has their unique reasons for choosing ethical non-monogamy. While some may want to explore their sexual boundaries, a few could be confused about their orientation and may be looking for answers. Some may not be satisfied with their monogamous relationship or craving for emotional attachment outside the relationship. It is also possible to have desires that are being fulfilled in ethical non-monogamous settings. Some may also see ethical non-monogamy as a relationship style that promotes personal growth and a deeper understanding of each other’s desires. For others, it is a way to reject heteronormativity and traditional gender dynamics (4).

There could be several other known or unknown reasons for choosing ethical non-monogamy. Irrespective of the reason, it should be understood that an ethical non-monogamy relationship should be based on communication and trust.

Also, certain rules must be followed when you are a part of an ethical non-monogamy relationship.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Rules

Non-monogamy can get messy and complicated. Before entering into an ethical non-monogamous relationship, one must develop rules to prevent things from becoming complicated. We have compiled a list of some rules that non-monogamous couples may follow.

1. Ensure your partner is willing to engage in ethical non-monogamy

If one pursues non-monogamy and their partner is not on board, things could go wrong in a partnership or marriage. In reality, this removes the “ethical” aspect of the “ethical non-monogamy” since doing so without the partner’s consent is unethical and immoral.

It could hurt your partner and cause friction, resulting in the loss of your relationship or marriage. If infidelity or open marriage is illegal where you live, you will face legal consequences if you pursue a romantic or physical relationship outside your marriage. However, it should be noted that non-monogamy should not be forced on the partner. Oftentimes, some partners give their consent, fearing losing the partner. Hence, this should be taken care of.

2. Inform your partner when you engage in non-monogamous acts

Another important aspect of being ethical and safe is to keep your partner informed if you engage in romantic or lovemaking with someone else. Even if they are aware of it, it is essential to remind them before the next encounter to ensure that they are still okay with what you will do and with whom.

Quick tip

If you and your partner are considering a non-monogamous relationship but are having difficulty agreeing, you may seek the help of a therapist. A therapist can provide a neutral space for you to discuss your feelings and help find a solution that works for both of you.

3. Define boundaries

Establishing boundaries is crucial if you and your partner are in a non-monogamous relationship to prevent conflict and fallout.

There could be certain activities that you would like to keep between you and your partner and not share with someone else.

It could be intimate or something as simple as not taking the other person to your favorite restaurant or introducing them to your family. The secret to making this relationship work is that everyone is equally willing and comfortable observing certain limits.

4. Prioritize your primary partner

A primary partner is the starting point for the majority of non-monogamous partnerships. Therefore, it is crucial to prioritize your primary partner. It means giving more importance to your primary partner in situations where they need more attention.

If you and your primary partner have a common relationship with another person, they must accept that you are a couple who will be closer to one another than them. It is when you stop prioritizing your partner and addressing the issues in your relationship that your relationship inevitably fails. Blogger Liz Sinclair writes about the role non-monogamy played in her husband choosing his new partner over her, ending their marriage of over 20 years. She says, “Non-monogamy unarguably exposed our weaknesses as a couple. It contributed to a growing distance between us and we paid less attention, perhaps to underlying relationship issues we should have addressed. Ultimately, and significantly, it led to my husband meeting and falling for the woman he left me for.

“The thing I keep circling back to is that we had good intentions — really, really good intentions. We went on regular dates with each other to preserve some romance in our relationship, I attended counselling, and we tried to stay on top of our communication. Unfortunately, in the end, good intentions weren’t enough and our marriage did end in a spectacular implosion of betrayal and hurt. Perhaps though we were destined to break up — and non-monogamy served as either the catalyst or simply the vehicle for an inevitable end (i).”

5. Communicate any hierarchy in the relationship

There will certainly be a hierarchy if you and your partner are in a non-monogamous relationship with a person or multiple common people. This must be made clear to you, your partner, and other persons involved. It can help prevent one or more people from getting emotionally involved and hurt their feelings at some point.

6. Address jealousy rationally and calmly

When more than two people are romantically involved, there is often space for jealousy. However, the opposite has been found to be true. People in ethical and consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of trust, satisfaction, intimacy, and honesty, and low levels of jealousy. This is more likely because people in such relationships often pay more attention to the amount of time they spend with each partner, compared to the amount they don’t, and they enjoy the thought of their partner spending time with someone else (5). That said, if you encounter a situation where one of your partners is jealous, deal with it calmly, focusing on the resolution rather than proving who is at fault. Discuss the issue and the solutions unanimously so that all are on the same page regarding the relationship.

7. Give importance to everyone’s privacy

Not everyone is comfortable in coming out with their non-monogamous relationship status. Ensure you or your partner respect any of the involved party’s privacy and keep the relationship to yourself. Avoid talking about your relationship or making it obvious in public places. Select a dedicated place with adequate privacy where you may express your feelings without letting anyone else know.

8. Prioritize safety

Having multiple partners inadvertently increases the risk of contracting venereal diseases . It may also lead to unwanted pregnancy due to carelessness. Your safety and that of your partners should be paramount in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Use protection and set rules for intimacy. You can even go a step further and ensure all the parties involved undergo periodic tests for leading venereal diseases to ensure maximum safety.

While it may be assumed that those engaging in consensual non-monogamy (CNM) may contract or spread venereal diseases more than monogamous people, studies have shown the contrary to be true. According to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, “CNM partners reported taking more precautions than those in monogamous relationships in terms of greater condom use during intercourse with all partners and a higher likelihood of STI testing. Thus, although persons in CNM relationships had more sexual partners, the precautions they took did not appear to elevate their rate of STIs above an imperfect implementation of monogamy (6).”

Although many people may not favor non-monogamous relationships, there is an upcoming trend where many couples prefer it. The advent of dating apps and other internet-based platforms has made it easier for people to forge such relationships. Despite the flexibility of approach, an ethical non-monogamous relationship works best when all partners provide voluntary consent and respect one another’s privacy and safety.

Infographic: Ethical Non-Monogamy Rules

A relationship opposite to the typical rules of being with someone is what ethical non-monogamy is about. If you are curious about it or are considering the idea of such a relationship for yourself and your partner, here is a concise and easy-to-understand rule book to get you started.

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Illustration: Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) Relationship: Types And Rules

Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team

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