20 Must-Have Healthy Boundaries In Marriage

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“And things don’t change in a marriage until the spouse who is taking responsibility for a problem that is not hers decides to say or do something about it.”―Henry Cloud, Boundaries in Marriage

Maintaining healthy boundaries in marriage can help you and your spouse respect each other’s needs and prevent misunderstandings. Time and space are essential for keeping a couple rational. While closeness is not a vice, some distance could make the heart grow fonder. However, this does not mean you cut off your partner or ignore them. It is about setting boundaries and pursuing activities you enjoy to enhance your confidence. In this post, we have listed reasons why healthy boundaries are important in a relationship after going through multiple trusted websites, research papers, online forums, and expert opinions. If these reasons resonate with you, then it may be time to set some rules to bring out the best in each of you.

What Is A Boundary?

A boundary is a line or limit that partners establish to protect their relationship and guard against exploitation and manipulation. These could be emotional boundaries that protect feelings, physical boundaries that define personal space, or time boundaries that allow time for individual pursuits. By setting these boundaries, you can allocate ownership and responsibility between you two.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

For a relationship to be successful and healthy, you need to be happy with yourself before making your spouse happy. Boundaries help you achieve that and more, they:

• Make you responsible for your actions instead of blaming it on your spouse.
• Help resolve conflicts and keep you and your partner from getting hurt.
• Give you the chance to change things for good.
• Help you strike a balance between yours and your spouse’s priorities.

All couples go through conflicts in their lives. Issues related to intimacy, infidelity, one spouse making all the sacrifices and a partner not taking responsibility for their actions can make the relationship confusing and painful. Boundaries can help prevent such problems and offer benefits such as:

1. Give you freedom: Having freedom in marriage allows you to love and respect each other. Marriage doesn’t give you the license to restrict your spouse’s freedom. Your spouse should be allowed to pursue his/her interests instead of being bound by you. Give each other that space to pursue interests and activities. Restriction and control only breed contempt. Before you announce your partner’s limits, set an example by coming up with boundaries for yourself.

2. Protection: Having boundaries in place helps you know when to tolerate and when to accept. For instance, if your spouse abuses you or hurts you emotionally, you have to protect yourself and stand up for yourself for the sake of emotional safety instead of tolerating.
3. Responsibility: Taking responsibility makes it clear about who is in charge of what. It leaves no room for ambiguities. Along with responsibility, shared values and mutual support in marriage covers a whole gamut of things such as behavior, choices, attitude, values, and more. If something requires improvement, then you have the power to change it, without affecting your partner.

Limits are required in every relationship we have. So, what are the specific boundaries you need in a marriage?

Boundaries Every Marriage Needs

Some boundaries are there for people to see, some need to be felt. Some come into force automatically, without any discussion, while for some you need to discuss, compromise, and decide. Here are some emotional and physical limits that can make a marriage thrive.

Emotional boundaries in a marriage

1. Love: Love is the very foundation of marriage. Remember your wedding vows, “to love your spouse in sickness and health and in good and bad times.” And when you said “I Do”, you need to do that earnestly. Love your spouse at all times, including tough times. That shows your unconditional love for him/her. However, it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate your spouse’s bad behavior. You need to know where to draw the line.
2. Honesty: Honesty helps sustain mutual trust and respect in the relationship. Dishonesty can lead to a host of negative emotions such as insecurity, jealousy, mistrust, and disrespect.
3. Faithfulness: The boundary of faithfulness and loyalty protects the marriage from external influences. It also reassures the wife and husband about each other’s love.
4. Self-control: The key to a healthy relationship is to keep your emotions and reactions to situations in check. The solution lies in self-control rather than controlling your spouse. For example, if your spouse is rude to you, you can tell him/her, “Your rude behaviour concerns me. Can we have a discussion about what may be causing it?”. This action helps you control the situation from going worse.

Physical boundaries in a marriage

5. Communicate: A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family states there is a bidirectional association between communication and relationship satisfaction (1). However, communication about day-to-day things may not be enough. You need to have discussions about your expectations and share quality time. Also, avoid assuming things instead of clearing it with your partner directly. To do this, you should always ask questions and express your concerns.

Tori and Chad Masters, a married couple who run a joint YouTube channel, speak in depth about boundaries in marriage. In one of their videos, the couple says, “When it comes to us disagreeing or having an argument or a fight, I’m the type to raise my voice and tori set a boundary to express that’s not okay and she’s not gonna put up with that.

“You can’t expect what you don’t communicate and so if I never told him ‘hey when you raise your voice, that’s just not gonna fly. We’re gonna have to separate, cool off, and then we can talk calmly,’ then we would have continued communicating in a way that was not healthy for me emotionally (i).”

Point to consider

A couple must work in unison while setting boundaries. If you struggle to draw and maintain mutually-agreed boundaries, consulting a marriage counselor or seeking professional help can be helpful.

6. No physical abuse: This boundary cannot be crossed at any cost. Physical abuse such as hitting, pushing, or slapping each other can never be done or tolerated.
7. Don’t envy your spouse: Envy can be disastrous for a relationship. If you are dissatisfied with yourself, you may not be able to keep your relationship positive. When you are jealous of your spouse’s growth, social skills, or appearance, it can make you feel insecure in the relationship.
8. Evaluate situations: A study published in PLOS One found that for people low in agreeableness, perceiving greater commitment from their partner led to more selfish behaviors (2). So, while setting boundaries in a marriage might hurt your partner, that doesn’t mean it is bad for your relationship. For example, you might ask your spouse to share the responsibility of paying the household bills, as you want to make some investments. Such boundaries are to secure your future and are not necessarily a bad thing.
9. Do not be rude or yell: It’s normal for couples to argue and disagree at times. But, the key is to agree to disagree or talk through it with a calm and composed mind. Experts recommend that you be aware of your tone of voice and remember that you don’t have to be right all the time when communicating with your partner (3).
10. Be open: Maintaining secrets about friends, emails, money, calls, trips, etc is also breaking a boundary in a way. So, be open with your partner, and talk to them about your friends. Ensure that there are no secrets between you. Additionally, avoid doing things that you will be forced to hide from your spouse.
11. Have positive conversations: Stop complaining about your spouse to your family members or friends. If there is an issue, discuss it with your partner. Also, do not let others speak negatively about your spouse. If they do, stop them immediately or walk away. Your spouse will feel loved when you show that you stand by him/her no matter what.

12. Change yourself: It would be unwise to think that you can change people the way you want. We have the power to mold ourselves to create an ideal and loving situation for each other. In a marriage, change works in both ways — you give some and take some. You can’t assume that things would go according to your choice. The other person should also have a say.
13. Resistance to deviations: Boundaries are not just for you and your spouse alone. They are also between you and the world out there. These limits with the outside world help you prevent extramarital affairs and infidelity. If you find yourself tending towards someone, have an honest and open discussion with your partner. Your spouse will be proud of your honesty and faithfulness, making the bond between you stronger.
14. Forgive: To forgive your spouse can be challenging. But, it is necessary to strengthen your marriage. Even in times of conflict, you need to be humble enough to forgive and let go for a healthy conflict resolution. But be firm if the mistake is repeated.
15. Say ‘no’ sometimes: Certain situations in your life require you to say ‘no’ even if it hurts your partner. If your spouse wants you to do something illegal or hurtful, you have no option but to say ‘no’. If you hesitate to say ‘no’ at the right time, it would ruin not only your marriage but also your lives.

Sexual boundaries in a marriage

16. Mutual consent: Lovemaking should be freely given but never demanded. Both partners should feel free to express their desires and boundaries without feeling pressured.

Here is what blogger and family therapist Becky Whetstone has to say about sexual boundaries in a marriage. She writes “Demanding sex is an egregious boundary violation that should never take place. Likewise, forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want to is terrible self-care and says, in essence, “What you want is more important than what I want.” I feel that too many people throw themselves under the bus to make others happy — a recipe for resentment, and just so you know, those who are healthy emotionally won’t allow that to happen (ii).”

17. Respecting differences: It is natural to have varied lovemaking preferences. Each person has unique comfort levels and boundaries. It’s essential to respect and acknowledge these differences.
18. Honest communication: Open and honest communication is the foundation of a healthy sexual relationship. Discuss desires, preferences, and boundaries openly and without judgment as a study states that a sexual relationship dominated by the “I-Thou” mode, where partners interact sincerely and negotiate during sexual conflicts leads to genuine emotional and physical participation and improved relationship quality (4).
19. Privacy: Respect your partner’s privacy and keep intimate details between the two of you. Discuss the level of discretion you both expect in terms of sharing information about your close relationship with others.
20. Frequency and safety: Sexual frequency can vary among couples. Discuss and find a balance that satisfies both partners. Be understanding and considerate of each other’s needs, and prioritize sexual health by discussing and agreeing on safe lovemaking practices.

Boundaries are more about you than your partner. You need to know where and why to draw a line, so that you don’t have to spend too much energy in following the rules.

Setting Boundaries For Yourself

Before you announce your partner’s limits, set an example by coming up with boundaries for yourself. This will encourage your spouse to follow suit. Here is a step-by-step guide on how to set boundaries in a marriage:

• Identify your feelings and accept them: The first step in building boundaries is to know and understand your feelings. You may get caught in your spouse’s emotions and feelings, and tend to overlook yours. Recognize and understand what is making you feel bad or depleted in the marriage. Take some time out for introspection.
• Analyze if boundaries have been broken: Once you feel as if your boundaries have been broken, you should try to recognize how. It could be because your spouse is coming home late, criticizing you, or you are yelling at your partner, annoyed at him/ her that they are not doing things your way.
• Determine how to set your boundary: Once you know the cause(s) for your hard feelings, setting boundaries becomes easy. For example, if your spouse is coming home late every day, you can tell them, “I find it difficult to wait for you so late every evening. Is there a way to adjust your schedule?” If they are frequently criticizing you, you can either walk away from the situation or calmly express how the criticism makes you feel.
• If you feel you are yelling at your spouse for everything, then set a boundary that you will not shout, but wait until your anger subsides. If you are annoyed because your partner is not doing things your way, then set a boundary that you will not fret about it unless it is harmful to your partner/ you or your relationship.
• Communicate your boundary: Convey your boundaries to your spouse. This could cause some resistance and conflict, but explain the boundaries in detail so that your spouse will see reason in your decision.
• Stick to your boundaries: After you define the boundaries, you need to stick to them to make them work. Don’t leave any margin for the other person to overstep boundaries. And on days when you find yourself deviating from the limits you have set, take a break, relax, or practice mindfulness to put yourself back on track.

And if you feel you are yelling at your spouse for everything, then set a boundary that you will not shout, but wait until your anger subsides. If you are annoyed because your partner is not doing things your way, then set a boundary that you will not be bothered about it unless it is harmful to your partner/ you or your relationship.

• Communicate your boundary: Convey your boundaries to your spouse. There would be a certain amount of resistance and conflict, but explain the things in detail so that your spouse will see reason in your decision.
• Stick to your boundaries: After you define the boundaries, you need to stick to them to make the boundaries work. Don’t leave any margin for the other person to overstep boundaries. If you are deviating the limits, then take a break, relax, meditate, or do whatever you can to put yourself back on track.

Boundaries act like lifeboats during the uncertain tides of marriage. Still, there are many misconceptions surrounding them. Here are some of them.

Misconceptions About Boundaries

Boundaries in relationships are often misunderstood and misread. Here are a few common misconceptions:

• People who set boundaries are labeled as selfish and rigid.
• People setting boundaries are seen as dominant partners who try to restrict their partners’ freedom.

Here is what blogger and relationship coach Kendra Cunov’s opinion on setting boundaries with loved ones. She writes, “The connection between boundaries and love is often misunderstood. Setting boundaries is perceived to be an act of pushing away, of putting distance between you and the other. But a boundary in its most sacred form is simply delineating between what happens within a certain space & what does not. In this sense, creating boundaries is a drawing in rather than a pushing away (iii).”

• Boundaries are set to dictate what your spouse can or not do.
• The boundary of self-protection is perceived as a punishment for the other. For example, when the husband spends extravagantly in spite of being told several times, then the wife chooses to have a separate bank account. Here, having a separate bank account can not be considered as a way of punishing the husband.

In any relationship, you cannot expect the other person to behave the way you want them to. You can only request for a change in their behavior. Setting healthy boundaries can help fix a broken relationship, as it helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters mutual respect. Therefore, you need to explain to your spouse about the need to have boundaries to avoid any conflicts.

In the context of learning to communicate the right way, writer Laura Doyle, specializing in relationship issues and York Times bestselling author, shares her personal experience. She says, “In the bad old days when I was setting a boundary, it came out of feeling angry (or if I’m more honest, I was actually hurt) and therefore, by the time I got around to speaking my truth, it came out laced with sarcasm, criticism and resentment.

“Therefore, to teach someone else how to treat me and still preserve the intimacy I value so much, I speak only for myself and avoid criticizing him. I say what I mean, but I don’t say what it mean. One way to do that in this example would be simply to say ‘Ouch!’ and nothing more. I’m honoring myself by admitting I’m hurt but not criticizing or blaming my husband (iv).”

Resolving Conflicts With A Resistant Spouse

You may have set some boundaries for yourself. But your spouse may not be eager to do so, or they may not want to be restricted by your boundaries as they feel trapped. Here are ways to set boundaries smoothly

• Consult your partner before you decide on the boundaries.
• Give your spouse the freedom to say “no”.
• Admit if you are wrong.
• Respect your spouse’s space.
• Give them the time to come to terms with the boundaries.
• Refrain from withdrawing from your spouse, attacking, or making them feel guilty.
• Take feedback from your spouse when you cross boundaries.

Sticking to boundaries involves a lot of work. Hence, it can be challenging and unpleasant. However, understanding how to save a relationship often begins with setting and maintaining these boundaries. Let’s look at some examples of boundaries in marriage.

Examples Of Boundaries

Boundaries nurture and strengthen the marriage. Here are some examples of areas where you can set boundaries in your marriage:

1. Be articulate and expressive in your communication

Experts recommend that you understand your emotions, pick the right time, and avoid accusations when you want to express your feelings (5). So, when your spouse is being rude or has hurt you, you can say, “I don’t like when you talk to me this way. Arguing won’t help us resolve this. Can we please discuss this calmly?”

2. Be open and honest

If you are attracted to someone other than your spouse or someone has asked you out, it’s important to share this with your partner to avoid feelings of jealousy. You should not hide the truth from your spouse. Plus, you should communicate to anyone interested, such as a colleague, that you are dedicated to your partner.

3. Cause and effect

If your spouse drinks everyday then you can say, “I have noticed that your drinking seems to be increasing. Is something bothering you? I would prefer if you seek help or make a change for the sake of our future together.” Similarly, if your spouse is overspending, you could say something like “Our spending styles do not match. We need to have a discussion about it, or I may have to open separate bank accounts to protect our finances.”

4. Emotional disconnect

Emotional connection is important in a marriage. There could be times when the partners do not make any efforts to change their hurtful behavior and fail to re-establish the emotional connection.

For instance, when the wife is upset about something, the husband fails to notice this. He goes about his work as he finds no difference or change in his wife’s behavior. This could be avoided if both the partners could be understanding of each other to gauge each other’s emotions.

These examples illustrate how boundaries manifest in real-life scenarios. They can help you handle relationships better and create a safe space for open dialogue and mutual respect.

Infographic: Boundaries Every Marriage Needs

Every relationship needs to have some dos and don’ts. Otherwise, both or either of the partners will end up hurting and falling out of love. And marriage is one of the most important relationships that must have boundaries. Learn how to love unconditionally without losing yourself through these tips below.

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Illustration: Must-Have Healthy Boundaries In Marriage

Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team

Discover effective techniques for establishing healthy boundaries with your spouse in this insightful video. Learn practical tips to foster open communication and maintain a harmonious relationship.

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Dr. Carlos Juan Carmona-GoyenaPhD (Counseling Psychology)

Dr. Carlos Juan Carmona-Goyena is a board licensed therapist in the USA and Puerto Rico with a specialty in couples, families, and relationships. Dr. Carlos possesses a PhD in Counseling Psychology granted at the Interamerican University of Puerto Rico.

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Benidamika holds a masters degree in Counseling Psychology from Assam Don Bosco University and another masters degree in English Literature from North Eastern Hill University. At MomJunction, Benidamika writes on human psychology and relationships.

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