7 Ways To Deal With A Selfish Husband/ Wife

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A relationship can prosper only when the two partners walk equal steps towards making it work. If you are the only one endeavoring in all aspects of your relationship, it may leave you thinking, is my partner selfish? You would also want to know how to deal with a selfish spouse. Ideally, both partners must share equal responsibilities when staying together. When you are left to hold all the load of a relationship alone, you may begin to feel unappreciated and lonely. Understanding how selfishness manifests in a relationship is crucial. This article explores the signs of selfish behavior in a wife or husband and tells you ways to handle them. If you connect to these and constantly have concerns about a selfish partner, continue reading this post.

Why Is It Important To Identify The Signs Of A Selfish Partner?

Selfish behavior undermines empathy, trust, and emotional closeness. These behaviors cause discontent and resentment in a relationship. It triggers strain and emotional turmoil, creating an unhealthy dynamic. Flagging selfish actions is vital so your partner can understand their mistakes and mend their ways before sabotaging the relationship. It also helps you make informed decisions and promotes a more balanced partnership. However, coping with a selfish partner may not be easy as it demands understanding underlying dynamics. This includes setting boundaries and countering emotional manipulation. By addressing selfish actions early on, you can share your expectations and promote understanding.

Signs Of A Selfish Husband/ Wife

Your spouse might be laid back and lazy but this alone is not enough to conclude that they are selfish. While such behavior can be pretty annoying, selfishness is a trait that is rooted deep. Here are a few signs of a selfish partner.

1. They expect you to clean their mess. After a long day at work, you come to a house which is an absolute mess — the kitchen sink is filled with dishes and the place is unkempt while your partner has been ‘relaxing’ since morning. You are the only functioning adult at home and need to take care of everything.

2. They lecture you about your duties. Whenever you tell your spouse about their negligence or lack of contribution to the family, they emotionally blackmail you and make you feel guilty. They find excuses to justify their selfishness. They lecture you about your duties, and how sacrificing they have been.

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3. All that matters is their comfort. Your spouse is ready to move mountains for themselves and their family, but won’t even lift a needle for you. For example, they drag you to visit their family on every holiday, but they find excuses to meet your sick parents. It is important to find a balance and both partners should be willing to adjust. In a relationship, you might have to do things that are outside your comfort zone, but that should happen from both sides. A selfish husband/ wife simply ignores their spouse’s happiness.

4. They always come first. No matter how busy you are or what priorities you have, your spouse thinks that they have to be your first priority. They demand your attention, expect you to treat them like royalty and always follow their orders. For example, both of you are running late to work, but your spouse insists you drop them at their office and then go to your workplace, which is on the other side of the city.

5. Your life is filled with their choices. Right from the day-to-day decisions like what you can buy for your birthday to major ones like which career to choose — all decisions are taken by your spouse. If this is how your life is, then your spouse is running your life. Your spouse has every right to make suggestions, guide you and help you, but a selfish spouse decides things for you in such a way that they are more beneficial to them than to you.

6. Your vacations are for their happiness. Vacations and holidays are for everybody to unwind and relax. It is a time when you take a break from the routine. But not in your case because your spouse leaves you to take care of the kids while they go around the city trying a beauty salon or a bar. Worse still, they always plan their vacation with their friends, while you stay back at home.

7. They lecture about savings, but won’t follow. It is good to have a budget and save money. It is equally important for both the partners to be mindful of their expenditure. But in the case of a selfish spouse, cutting back on expenses is your responsibility while they do not compromise on their spending.

8. Demand physical intimacy: Physical intimacy is a beautiful feeling when both the partners are in the mood. But for a selfish spouse, it doesn’t have to be consensual as they expect you to oblige every time they have the mood.

9. They neither support nor appreciate: A selfish person always thinks they are the best and no matter how much you do, they will always find faults with it. They do not appreciate your efforts but think that you are just fulfilling your duty as a spouse.

10. They lack empathy: A clear sign of a selfish spouse is their inability or unwillingness to empathize with you. It often manifests as indifference to your emotions, where they dismiss or ignore how you feel in various situations. They may also make important decisions—whether financial, personal, or related to the relationship—without consulting you.

Laura Doyle, an author, reflects on a time when she felt overwhelmed with responsibilities while her husband disregarded her efforts. She shares, “So it was me–I was the one who took on too much responsibility, which made me feel overburdened and, in turn, critical of my husband for just coasting along. I was the one who sold myself down the river. So all I had to do…was stop. Once I did, my husband seemed a lot less self-centered and willing to pitch in more. Especially because I was in a better mood (i).”

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If you are able to relate to most of the above signs, then your spouse could be selfish, and there can be some reason for their selfishness.

Possible Reasons Behind Your Spouse’s Selfishness

Selfishness is a trait imbibed in all humans.

All of us are selfish to an extent. But when two people are in love, they tend to support and be there for each other. If you are missing this in your spouse, it could be due to their inherent nature or certain developments in life (1). Here are a few reasons why a person can be selfish.

1. Childhood experiences: They play a significant role in shaping a person’s character. If your spouse has been a single child, they would not know about sharing and caring. If a person has too many siblings, then they might have learned to compete with them to always be the first. Also, if they were raised by a selfish parent, they may have been modeled by the parent.

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2. Cultural impact: In some cultures, men are treated superior to women. Husbands do not find it wrong to dump the household burden on the woman or discourage her from taking up a career. They might not also realize that they are being selfish.

3. Past failed relationships: A failed relationship makes people be careful about not doing anything that they have done in the previous relationship. If your spouse was in a relationship wherein their benevolent nature was taken advantage of, then they could turn selfish this time.

4. Controlling nature: Some people have the tendency to take everything into their control. They like to have their way around and rarely compromise or agree to the partner’s wishes. Such nature can lead to selfishness.

A selfish spouse is hard to deal with because they seldom listen to you. Also, taking care of all the responsibilities single-handedly can take a toll on your physical and mental health. Confronting them will only make matters worse. So, how do you deal with them?

Ways To Deal With A Selfish Spouse

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Remember that selfishness could be inherent in their behavior or they may have been like that since their childhood. Therefore, it is not easy to change them overnight. But do not give up without trying everything possible. Here are a few ways to handle a selfish spouse.

1. Discuss, do not complain

One of the biggest mistakes we make is to complain. No matter how disappointed you are or how inconsiderate your spouse is, never call them selfish. That will only make them defensive. Instead, pacify and try to convey your expectations.

If it is your husband’s turn to take kids to the swimming class and he has conveniently dumped it on you, then explain to him that you cannot manage to do it due to your work commitment. Take the opportunity to converse with your spouse to address and assuage your concerns.

Quick tip

If you are unable to resolve the situation amicably, consider seeking professional counseling support. The counselor may be able to help your partner identify and correct their issues.

2. Focus on the positives

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There could be 99 incidents where your spouse proved to be selfish. But there might also be one incident where they put you and the kids first. This means there is still scope for change. Instead of reflecting on their selfish behavior, try to focus on that one generous incident and encourage them.

For example, your wife does not usually involve herself in matters concerning your parents. But on one occasion if she offers to take care of them, it is essential to appreciate and assure her for such a kind gesture. Such small things can bring in a big change.

3. Let them take the responsibility

You might be unknowingly taking care of every responsibility, giving little chance for your spouse to do anything. This might make them laid back or hesitant to take up responsibilities. Therefore, clearly demarcate the responsibilities and let your spouse do their part for the family.

Therefore, it is essential to clearly negotiate and demarcate responsibilities, allowing your spouse to fulfill their part for the family. It is vital to collaborate and cooperate with each other to work towards a healthy relationship.

4. Take yourself seriously

Pay attention to yourself. You don’t have to ignore your own needs and desires and replace them with those of your partner. It’s not necessary to willingly concede your own aspirations to accommodate your partner’s selfish behavior. This will not make them realize your sacrifices but fuels their selfish behavior. Focus on your wants, aspirations, and happiness while fulfilling your responsibilities towards your family.

5. Speak up

You cannot keep quiet and hope your spouse will change one day. If their actions are making you suffer, then speak up. But take care not to be aggressive as it will end in a bitter fight. Be soft but firm. Do not yell at or blame them. Try to find a solution or remedy that can pacify both of you. Use your words carefully to address the issue and ensure they have an impact. Having an open dialogue in a reconciliatory tone and setting healthy boundaries in the marriage can help deal with a selfish spouse.

6. Understand the root cause

There could be an underlying reason for your spouse’s behavior. It is important to contemplate and dig a little deeper into it and understand why they are being inconsiderate. It will help you tackle the problem better. Sometimes, the apparently selfish behavior could also be a result of something you are doing. Whatever it is, get to the bottom of it.

7. Take a final call

While it is normal to be patient and think about how to save the relationship, you cannot be tolerant forever. Do not allow them to take advantage of your good intentions. If your spouse resists all your attempts to change them, then there is nothing much you can do about it. If they continue to be self-absorbed and also turn abusive, then, maybe, walking away from them is an option.

8. Seek professional help together

If the relationship does not improve despite your efforts, consider seeking professional help together. A trained therapist can provide you both with a safe space to express your feelings without judgment.

But before you take any drastic decision, make sure you are right in assessing your spouse because you cannot conclude that they are selfish based on a few incidents. Ultimately, the decision to yield or to pursue a different path should be based on careful consideration and the best interests of your well-being.

What Is Not Considered Selfishness?

Do not brand your spouse as selfish just because they like to have some me-time or go out for a party now and then. Here are a few such instances:

• Your partner is able to make time for their friends and hobbies after taking care of their responsibilities at home. That does not make them selfish. In fact, you get inspired from them and find some me-time for you too.

• Your spouse is strictly against your decision (to work, travel, seek help from a particular person, etc.,) because it would adversely affect you or the relationship or goes against their principles.

• In certain situations, they might have to put their friends or family ahead of you. You need to understand their fair intentions and support them.

• Your spouse doesn’t approve of doing everything for your children and pampering them so much that they are always dependent on you. They are setting the right example by saying ‘No’ to kids.

Therefore, give your spouse a benefit of doubt, and understand their perspective too.

Infographic: Dealing With A Self-Centered Spouse

In any relationship, both partners must be equally invested in each other and ready to work towards improving the relationship. But what do you do if your spouse is self-centered and does not think about your opinion? We have put together a list of tips to help you deal with a self-centered spouse. So read on and do not forget to save this infographic.

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Illustration: Ways To Deal With A Selfish HusbandWife

Image: Dall·E/MomJunction Design Team

Does your partner display selfish tendencies? Discover effective strategies to navigate and address this complex situation in this insightful video.

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Dr. Sadhvi MythiliMBBS, Psychiatrist

With a passion for reading and understanding about the human mind and how it functions, Dr Sadhvi Mythili took up Psychiatry after completing her graduation in Medicine from Kakatiya Medical College, Telangana. She pursued post graduation from the prestigious Asha Hospital.

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Sanjana did her graduation in Pharmacy from Andhra University and post graduation in management from GITAM Institute of Management. It was during her first job, she recognized her skills in writing and began working as a freelance writer.

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Shikha ThakurMBA

Shikha is a writer-turned-editor at MomJunction, with over seven years of experience in the field of content. Having done a certification in Relationship Coaching, her core interest lies in writing articles that guide couples through their courtship to marriage and parenthood.

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Benidamika J LatamMA, MSc

Benidamika holds a masters degree in Counseling Psychology from Assam Don Bosco University and another masters degree in English Literature from North Eastern Hill University. At MomJunction, Benidamika writes on human psychology and relationships.

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