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School is where you meet different people, some may be nice, while others, not so nice. This post will give you tips and tricks on dealing with the mean girls at school. The teenage cliques at school, particularly the mean girls’ group, often engage in exclusionary behavior towards their peers. Their superiority complex makes them feel like they are better than everyone, allowing them the privilege to mock others. These groups of girls enjoy indulging themselves in gossip about others and spreading false rumors for fun. But you don’t have to go by everything that they say. Read on to learn ways of tackling such girls in school.
Key Pointers
- Mean girls consider themselves superior and bully others for pleasure.
- Mean girls seek power and control and often target vulnerable victims.
- Mean girls enjoy gossiping, criticizing, and judging others, lacking empathy and consideration.
- They spread false rumors and harm others’ self-esteem.
- Parents should advise and guide their children to stay away from mean girls and familiarize them with anti-bullying laws. They should also provide guidance and support to their children.
Why Does A Child Turn To Be Mean?
Teasing among friends is common. However, if it leads to mockery, it is known as bullying. Some children can take teasing too far, making the other person feel humiliated and harassed.
A study on 1146 (698 girls and 448 boys) secondary school students aged 13 to 16 showed that 12.32% of girls and 18.97% of boys perpetrate bullying or cyberbullying (3).
But what kind of sadistic pleasureiA pleasure obtained by hurting others and making them suffer do these mean children derive by being so condescendingiAn attitude showing oneself to be more superior or intelligent than others ? What prompts them to do this? From seeking acceptance to defending oneself, children and teenagers may act mean for several reasons (4).
1. Need for acceptance and control
According to experts, teenage mean girls in high school often seek acceptance and control in every aspect of their life. Feeling deficient in one area can lead to angst, driving them to seek satisfaction elsewhere. For example, Miss A has no say in her house and is often neglected by her family. She forms a group of friends who adore, accept, and look up to her to fill the void. To feel in control, she takes charge of the group, organizing things as per her preferences. Once she gains authority, she does not want anyone to change the group dynamics and will do anything to maintain her position. This craving for power and acceptance may prompt aggressive behavior, such as bullying toward meek victims.
Did you know?2. Need for self preservation
Meanness may be a way to protect oneself, especially for those feeling insecure about oneself. They may hide envy, jealousy, or a fear of inferiority behind their mean behavior. For instance, Miss A may envy Miss B due to her striking appearance and superior intellect. She may not be as well placed in the good books of teachers or classmates as Miss B is. So, she may be mean to Miss B to make herself feel superior. Studies also indicate narcissistic personality as a risk factor influencing mean behavior or bullying. This is because narcissists tend to hold deeper feelings of insecurity and vulnerability (5).
3. Need to conform to peer pressure
Some perpetrators may join another just to preserve themselves from being bullied by those who they believe are superior. For instance, Miss A may be a bully who tends to be mean towards anyone beneath her social status or beyond her peer circle. Miss B, intimidated by the familial status, social bonding, and power dynamics of Miss A, may likely team up with her as a means of self-preservation. Eventually, Miss B may also resort to actively being mean or be a silent perpetrator of bullying even if she does not wish to do it.
4. Need for social media presence
As technology advanced, social media started shaping cliques within schools. Students often gravitate toward peers who have a strong online presence. While this popularity draws followers, it may also attract bullies. For many victims, social media offers the perfect platform of anonymity to be mean to a bully or a dominant clique member. This may make the bully feel insecure, instigating them to strengthen their mean facade as a means of self-preservation. For instance, Miss B may be constantly bullied by Miss A in school. Miss B seeks retaliation by instigating an anonymous grapevine of speculations about Miss A on social media. This may trigger severe criticism and cyberbullying against Miss A, which may, in turn, fuel her mean behavior in school (6).
Who Is A Mean Girl?
According to psychiatrist Dr. Stacy Doumas, “Mean girl behavior, also referred to as relational aggression, is bullying (7).
Mean girls are selfish and insensitive in several ways and may display Queen Bee traits. They may appear rude and intimidating and engage in hurtful behaviors such as social exclusion, name-calling, gossiping, and grape-vining. Here are the different types of mean girls you will find in every school.
1. The gossip monger
These girls thrive on the dirty details of others’ lives. They have multiple sources to keep themselves updated with the latest gossip and ensure that every negative or embarrassing detail is never left unshared. They enjoy spreading rumors. In case a rumor does not seem juicy then they do not refrain from adding some spice to it to make it more interesting. They can never be trusted with secrets as they cannot keep one. Not even that of their friends. In fact, these girls don’t even spare their friends. They will betray them for the sake of spreading a rumor.
2. The critic
These girls never seem to be impressed by anything. They overly scrutinize things to find faults in others. They belittle everything about the other person to feel a sense of false pride. Unnecessarily criticizing others makes them feel good. They pass snide remarksiRemarks to criticize someone in an indirect and unkind way on others dressing style, appearance, gait, mannerisms, and social standing. Their sarcastic comments break their victim’s self-esteem and frighten them.
3. Miss Hoity-Toity
These are rich girls who operate within a strict social hierarchy, preferring to interact only with those who match their status. They can afford fancy stuff and want to be surrounded by friends who can maintain the same. For them, mixing with rich people is a way of expanding right connections that can yield future benefits. Anyone below their standard is looked down upon and treated badly. These girls also pick on girls who may not necessarily be below their level but are perceived as a threat to their social status.
4. The referees
These girls like to dictate terms to others. They decide on who can talk to whom and who should be an outcast. They are like referees in a soccer match where showing the red card to a player has him out of the game. Any girl they show a red card faces exclusion from all parties, groups, and events. Girls are nice to these mean girls out of fear of being labeled as an outcast by them. Similarly, members of the group of these mean girls comply and approve every action of theirs so as not to be banished from the group. The behavior of these mean girls is an example of groupthink, where members of a group prioritize conformity and unanimity over critical thinking and independent decision-making.
5. The cyber wrecker
Teenage rivalry can manifest in various ways, including online attacks, as seen in the behavior of these mean girls at school. These girls attack behind the veil of social media. They post online pictures and create demeaning posts about girls they dislike. At times, they even write blind items mentioning everything about a girl without actually naming her directly. However, their hints are always too obvious to guess. They even go to the extent of creating fake profiles only to humiliate someone.
How To Identify A Mean Girl?
There are several reasons why mean girls are the way they are. Some of them don’t even realize they are mean and hurting others. Have a look at the signs of a mean girl:
1. They are insecure
The behavior of mean girls in school can often be attributed to teenage insecurity and jealousy.
They feel jealous of other girls who have something that they lack in, prompting the bully behavior. They find it tough to see anything good happen to people they are envious of and do everything to kill the happiness in others’ life.
Arianna Boddy, an Arizona-based licensed child clinical psychologist, says, “Mean girls can be jealous, but it really comes from a deep place of insecurity. In my experiences working with kids and teenagers, many mean girls actually think that being mean adds to or boosts popularity. They are insecure about themselves and their worth comes from social status or being liked or noticed.”
2. Their appearance matters
In school, mean girl behavior often revolves around the idea of fitting in and conforming to a certain image or social hierarchy. For mean girls, looking good at all times matters a lot. They put in a lot of effort to look presentable at any time. This obsession is transferred to the way they look at other people. Girls with acne or braces or even overweight become the butt of jokes. They make fun of anyone who is not up to the mark in terms of appearance.
Lisa McCrohan, a mother and psychotherapist, reflects on her experiences with bullying during her school years. She recalls, “I was begging my parents to go to the public school because the girls were so mean. And when I look back, wow, they were cruel. My maiden name is Ackerman. They’d call me “Lisa Acneman” as sixth grade brought with it oily skin and some breakouts. When my parents discerned that I would change schools, I felt relieved (i).“
3. They have good flirting skills
Mean girls want to date the best of boys, and excellent flirting skills are a prerequisite for any mean girl. They very well know how to play the game, when to smile, how much to smile and how to get a guy’s attention. They are excellent at manipulating.
4. They attract good company
They live by the saying that ‘you are judged by the company you keep’. Mean girls are very particular about the people they hang out with. Since they wish to sustain their position at the top of the ladder they befriend girls and boys who are popular and rich.
5. They have temporary friendships
Long-term friendship is not a thing for most mean girls. Mean girls often indulge in a lot of backstabbing and do not spare their ‘so-called’ friends. Their friendship is often temporary and for convenience’s sake. Once their purpose is fulfilled, they do not bother to look back again.
Point to considerHow To Deal With Mean Girls?
Tackling a bully requires being observant, patient, and persistent in your methods. The mean girls at school may constantly challenge you to return to being subservient to them. However, with the following steps, you may outsmart them (7).
1. Understand that it is not personal
The first step to dealing with mean girls is to recognize that whatever is being perpetrated by them is probably a projection of their unmet needs. While empathizing with a bully may be tricky, it is essential to build your self-esteem.
Empathy, acceptance of the situation, and self-love allow you to build resilience. It helps control how you react towards them and enables you to decide how much of their mean behavior is acceptable before it can be considered harmful or abusive.
2. Ignore the bully
According to Dr. Doumas, bullies lose power when you walk away from them without providing an audience for their antics. While walking away may seem cowardly, it communicates strength and discourages the mean girl’s pursuits to torment you.
Dr. Doumas adds, “Standing up for yourself doesn’t necessarily mean physical aggression or hurling verbal insults. Rather, let that person know you are confident and in control by ignoring the behavior and not giving them the reaction they are looking for. It may seem difficult initially, but by not engaging with them, the mean girls often move on.” Every time you face a hiccup, remind yourself that you have the choice to either continue to tolerate abuse or rid yourself of confrontations with such people.
3. Value true friendship
Friends can be the best support system for you. Acquire the company of optimistic friends who disapprove of bullying and stay far away from the mean girls at school. New friends will help get your mind off the mean girls at school and help lift your mood whenever you feel sad or lonely. Good friends can also accompany you and encourage your participation in various activities with renewed interest.
4. Redirect your focus
You must remain focused on achieving your aims. Having a bad time at school can affect you mentally, but you may divert your attention to what is most important in your life. You can discuss your ambitions, skills, and interests with elders and seek help preparing for your future. It will help you redirect your focus on studies, sports, and extra-curricular activities instead of wasting time on social media.
5. Seek help
At times, there are chances that things get out of hand. In such situations, bring matters to the notice of an adult. You can inform your parents or a teacher about the unfair treatment of mean girls at school. They may look for the right opportunity and manage to settle the situation in the best possible manner without revealing your identity. You may also approach a therapist to learn coping skills such as mindfulness and deep breathing exercises. They may enhance your conflict resolution skills and ensure you communicate your needs assertively and fearlessly.
How Can Parents Help Children Deal With Mean Girls?
Tackling children’s problems is complicated because you want to help them but do not want to seem controlling or interfering. You seek your child’s well-being and want to help them, but it is for their best that you let them tackle the situation by themselves. You can surely guide them, but do not directly interfere. Here are a few ways to help your child deal with mean girls in school (6) (7).
1. Talk with your child
If you notice any behavioral changes in your children, talk to them and find out if they have been facing any trouble at school. Listen to them. If they are convinced that they have someone to help, they will come out of the shell. However, a highly sensitive child may be hurt more deeply. The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (US CDC) highlights that 36.7% of teenagers aged 12 to 17 experience emotions of sadness or hopelessness (8). In such cases, you as a parent can teach them ways to tackle gossip and deal with alienationiA feeling of withdrawing or ending connection with people . You need not try to intervene because this is all a part of growing up, and they need to deal with such situations by themselves. You only need to let them know you are with them. It will boost your children’s assertiveness and self-confidence positively.
2. Share your experiences
If you have experienced or witnessed mean girl behavior in school, share those incidents with your children to let them know they are not the only ones to face such a situation. Tell them how you struggled through those lonely days but, in the end, managed to survive with sheer determination and courage. Make them understand that some people’s behavior and opinions make no difference to their lives and that they should be firm and focused on their aim and ambition.
3. Show the way to put up a dignified fight
Mean girls mainly target people they feel threatened by and are nasty to them only to pull them down. They often think that people look up to their opinions and that they are trendsetters. You can teach your children to stay calm and react less to mean girls who are determined to trouble them. They should know they do not need to seek acceptance or approval from everyone around them.
Boddy suggests, “Teach your child to ignore it. The more reach the mean girls get, the more likely it will be repeated. If total ignoring is not possible or hasn’t worked after multiple days, have them say simple things like, ok, sure, and, or interesting. These simple responses let the mean girls realize it doesn’t work or doesn’t get the reaction they may want.
“Moreover, teach your child to stay away from the mean girls as much as possible. Encourage them to address the issue with the teacher or adult(s) in charge in a safe and private way.”
4. Discourage support towards mean behavior
Not everyone dares to fight against mean girls out of peer pressure to participate or fear that it may be directed towards them. So if your children confide that they continue to silently witness a close friend’s mean girl behavior towards another, remind them it is wrong. Your children must know they should not be spectators to mean behavior and must stay away from such situations if they cannot object. With no audience to entertain, mean girls might lose interest in bullying. In congruence with this, Doumas observes, “By literally walking away, they are not providing an audience for the person bullying, and if there’s no audience, they lose a lot of their power.”
5. Be an active part of PTA
Being a part of the parent-teacher association (PTA) gives you access to insider information about the developments in the school. You may also get acquainted with teachers and other parents. If your children are troubled by some mean girls at school, then you can raise awareness of such problems in the PTA meetings. Supporting this, pediatrician and counselor Kathy Masarie says, “If we all got on board, we could stop bullying… Parents working together can push for a persistent, dedicated task force at the school to address these issues. Prevention is the key.”
6. Educate your child on internet safety
Keep an eye on what social media accounts your child holds and encourage them to limit their chats to necessary conversations on social networking sites. Discuss with your child what acceptable internet surfing behavior and text messaging are. Remind them that bullies online can misuse their information against them. You can also occasionally monitor their social media accounts to ensure no instances of cyberbullying or misuse of privileges.
Did you know?Frequently Asked Questions
1. How can I stop being a mean girl?
To stop being a mean girl, try to understand people. Refrain from always disagreeing with them. Also, try to be friendly with as many students as possible. There is no harm in opening up to different people. Stand up for those who are regular victims of bullying and teasing. Additionally, it’s important to recognize the signs of toxic friendships and make an effort to distance yourself from them.
2. How to manage mean girls in sports?
Jealousy is one of the significant triggers for mean-girl behavior (2). A good way to tackle it is to ignore the comments of mean girls. Remember that the statements and actions of mean girls are only because they feel envious and insecure. So, try not to focus on them. Instead, keep practicing and become better at the sport.
3. What are the long-term effects of mean girl behavior?
Mean girl behavior can have enduring consequences on those affected. Targets may experience persistent emotional and psychological effects, such as diminished self-esteem, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, self-harm tendencies, and difficulty establishing trusting connections with others. Mean girl behavior also affects the individuals who engage in such behavior. These individuals may develop aggressive behavior, struggle with empathy, and have difficulties forming healthy relationships, which can affect their mental health and well-being.
4. How can schools create a more positive and accepting environment for all students?
Schools can prioritize empathy and respect through educational initiatives. They can cultivate a diverse and inclusive culture and firmly reinforce anti-bullying measures. Schools can foster an inclusive and supportive environment for students by offering support services or groups for social-emotional well-being, arranging counseling services, and actively involving students in creating a safe and welcoming school community.
Being a teenage girl can be highly challenging when you have to face mean girls at school. At this stage, girls tend to develop multiple insecurities about themselves. Any further harassment can leave a lifelong scar on their minds. Therefore, it’s necessary to ensure that you stay aware of what your daughters go through regularly in school. You must constantly check in on your daughter’s behavior, and any change must be recognized and talked about patiently before things get too difficult to handle. You need not hesitate but openly discuss issues such as bullying or body shaming to help your daughter learn how to react smartly in such circumstances.
Infographic: How To Deal With Mean Girls?
Mean girls can be anywhere, and it may not be possible for one to avoid them because they feed off of the attention and fear of others. So if your child is a victim of their bullying, share this infographic with them to know the right ways to handle such people and the things they should avoid doing that may worsen the situation. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Illustration: Mean Girls At School: Types Characters and How To Deal With Them
Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. Raising girls who are “includers” instead of “mean girls.”https://www.lisamccrohan.com/2014/09/raising-girls-who-are-includers-instead-of-mean-girls/
References
- Facts About Bullying.
https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/facts - Study looks at effect of ‘mean girls’ on sports teams.
https://news.siu.edu/2010/05/052810kcj10040.php - I Was the Violence Victim I Am the Perpetrator: Bullying and Cyberbullying Perpetration and Associated Factors among Adolescents.
https://ouci.dntb.gov.ua/en/works/lDROjPd7/ - What Motivates Mean Girl Behavior?
https://girlsleadership.org/blog/what-motivates-mean-girl-behavior/ - Bullying Perpetration and Narcissistic Personality Traits across Adolescence: Joint Trajectories and Childhood Risk Factors.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7683415/ - Why are those girls so mean?
https://www.greatschools.org/gk/parenting/bullying/why-are-those-girls-so-mean/ - How to Help Preteen Daughters Deal with “Mean Girls”.
https://www.hackensackmeridianhealth.org/en/healthu/2024/01/16/how-to-help-preteen-daughters-deal-with-mean-girls - Data and Statistics on Children’s Mental Health.
https://www.cdc.gov/children-mental-health/data-research/
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Read full bio of Shreshtha Dhar
Dr. Arianna Boddy is a licensed child clinical psychologist with close to 10 years of experience. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Nova Southeastern University and has worked as a psychologist in Arizona and South Florida. Dr. Boddy provides consulting services to school systems in Florida, Massachusetts, and Tennessee.Dr. Arianna Boddy is a licensed child clinical psychologist with close to 10 years of experience. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Nova Southeastern University and has worked as a psychologist in Arizona and South Florida. Dr. Boddy provides consulting services to school systems in Florida, Massachusetts, and Tennessee.
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