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All relationships start on a good note. While some continue to be on the good side some tend to slip to the other end of the spectrum. Your relationship, which was smooth until recently, might gradually take a downward turn, making you think how to handle your partner. Things may change due to behavioral problems from your end or from your partner’s.
Trying to excessively control each other or being over-dependent, disrespectful, dishonest, and intimidating can make a partner difficult to live with (1). If you see such traits in your partner, you might want to do everything possible to avoid frequent fights and bitterness. You need to keep calm and have an honest communication. But sometimes, it takes more than just communication. Read on as we tell you about various ways to deal with a difficult partner and how to know if things have gone beyond control.
Key Pointers
- Most relationships face conflicts at some point or the other due to the fault of both or either of the individuals.
- Working on communication, accepting their personality, or respecting their actions could help deal with an uncompromising partner.
- Nobody is perfect; hence some effort and patience are helpful to a blissful relationship.
Signs You Have A Difficult Partner
Every day is a struggle for you. They’re getting late to work—should you wake them up or not? They haven’t returned from work—should you message them or not? They’re struggling with something—should you offer them help or not? You aren’t sure how your partner might react if you do a particular thing or not do it. Here are a few signs you may have a troubling partner. Do not see these signs in isolation, as they usually come in a package of more than two.
1. Criticism
Your partner frequently criticizes your actions, appearance, or decisions, even for minor things. Instead of offering constructive feedback, they may tear you down, making you feel inadequate. This behavior damages your self-esteem and confidence, creating an imbalance in the relationship. Criticism can escalate if not addressed.
2. Manipulation
A difficult partner may use emotional manipulation to control or guilt-trip you. They might play the victim, make you feel responsible for their emotions, or use your weaknesses against you. This behavior undermines your autonomy and, over time, can erode your mental and emotional health. For instance, you’ve been planning a night out with friends, but your partner suddenly becomes upset and says, “If you go, it’s like you don’t care about me.” This tactic makes you feel guilty. Over time, they might use similar statements to control your decisions, making you feel responsible for their emotions.
3. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when your partner manipulates you into doubting your own reality or sanity. They may deny things they’ve said or done, making you question your memory or perception. This can make you feel confused and helpless, eventually leading to a loss of self-trust and confidence. When you bring up an argument from earlier in the week, they insist it never happened, making you question your own memory. Over time, you start to feel confused and second-guess yourself constantly.
4. Frequent arguments
It can be exhausting if your partner constantly argues over trivial matters. These arguments often go unresolved, leaving you feeling frustrated and unheard. They may escalate minor disagreements into full-blown conflicts, creating a stressful atmosphere that prevents meaningful communication and solutions. Whether it’s about something minor, like choosing where to eat, or more significant, like family plans, they get defensive and dismiss your perspective. Despite your efforts to stay calm and resolve the issue, they keep pushing their point, refusing to listen to you.
Couples who argue frequently tend to have lower relationship satisfaction and perceive more negative aspects of their relationship (2). If your partner engages in constant arguments, this could be a sign of a difficult partner.
5. Avoiding responsibility
A difficult partner often avoids taking responsibility for their actions, blaming others for problems or mistakes. They refuse to acknowledge their role in conflicts or fail to make necessary changes. There’s an issue at home, they may always shift the blame to you or others instead of owning up to their part. They might say things like, “It’s not my fault, you should’ve done it,” or “I didn’t know, you never told me.” This lack of accountability creates a lopsided relationship where one partner is left to carry the burden.
6. Inconsistent behavior
One moment, they may be loving and attentive, while the next, they may be distant or cold. Your partner gets cozy and close with you; you say something inconsequential and that’s enough to change their mood. You begin to feel uncertain about their words and actions. This unpredictability creates confusion and emotional instability, making it hard to know what to expect in the relationship, leaving you walking on eggshells.
7. Lack of support
A partner who does not provide emotional, mental, or practical support during difficult times can be challenging to deal with. You reach out to them, hoping for some emotional support or encouragement. Instead, they dismiss your concerns, telling you to “figure it out on your own” or brush it off as “not a big deal.” You feel isolated and unsupported. Whether you’re going through a tough situation at work or dealing with a personal issue, a difficult partner will fail to offer comfort or assistance, leaving you feeling isolated.
In this case, Melody Khloe, a seasoned marriage counselor, recounts the story of her client Vanessa, who, despite being married for ten years, continues to experience neglect and lack of support from her husband. She writes recounting Vanessa’s story, “Whenever I try to talk to him about something that bothers me, he either dismisses it or turns the conversation back to himself. Last week, I had a really tough day at work, and I wanted to share it with him. As soon as I started talking, he interrupted me to complain about his own day. I felt invisible and unimportant. This isn’t just a one-time thing; it happens all the time.”
She further adds quoting Vanessa, “There was another instance when I planned a special dinner for our anniversary. I spent hours preparing his favorite meal, hoping we could reconnect. But he barely acknowledged my effort, ate quickly, and then spent the rest of the evening on his phone. It’s like he doesn’t even see me anymore. I remember sitting across from him at the dinner table, trying to hold back tears, wondering how we got to this point. (i).”
Recognizing the signs of a difficult partner is the first step toward understanding the health of your relationship. If these behaviors are consistent and negatively impact your well-being, it’s essential to address them, whether through communication, counseling, or considering the future of the relationship.
15+ Ways To Handle A Difficult Partner
1. Communicate
Good communication is key to any healthy relationship. You need to create an environment where both of you can openly discuss anything and everything about the relationship, whether it is the anger patterns, the hurtful words used, or any negative behavior that bothers you. When you communicate, you can work through several problems. According to a report published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, the quality of communication within couples strongly affects relationship satisfaction. When couples engage in less negative communication than usual, they tend to feel more satisfied in the moment (3).
If you repeatedly take abuse and disrespect, it indirectly indicates that you are okay with it. Instead, make it clear by openly communicating and expressing your objections and opinions and come to a positive conclusion.
Quick tip2. Get to the root of the problem
Anger issues typically stem from the fact that your partner’s needs are not being met. If you find your partner worrying about trivial things, pause for a second, and assess if there’s a larger, underlying problem at hand. If your partner seems distant or upset, instead of assuming the worst, take a moment to calmly ask, “Is something bothering you?”
In such a situation, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and look at things from their perspective. Reverse the roles and see how you feel.
Rather than pushing the point across, understand where your partner is coming from and what’s causing the anger response or insulting words and share this understanding with your partner. Before you misinterpret it, make a conscious effort to comprehend and recognize the source.
3. Understand your partner’s personality
People, including your partner, are full of surprises. You may think you know them inside out, but they’ll come right back and shock you. Every day, you’re discovering something new about them. To learn how to handle your husband or wife, it’s crucial you understand their personality, character, nature, reactions to your actions, and likes and dislikes. More than anything, it’s about understanding the other person rather than managing them. When you make a conscious effort to understand them, you will learn to react and behave to things in a better, loving way and keep things mellow and smooth between the two of you.
4. Pick your battles wisely
In a relationship, it’s not about losing or winning arguments or fights but being mindful and choosing between matters that just need to blow over and issues that are worth tackling. Your partner might leave their clothes lying around, that might make you feel frustrated. However, consider whether it’s a big issue or just a minor inconvenience. By deciding not to argue over every little thing, you focus on what really matters—like communication or respect—helping to keep the peace and avoid unnecessary tension. Here’s a wise strategy you can employ — if you believe the issue won’t develop in complexity in the future, then perhaps you’re wasting your energy fighting.
According to a paper released by One Plus One, Department for Education, UK, it was seen that many participants believed that skillful arguing could foster growth, while unresolved conflicts can lead to ongoing tension. Failing to engage constructively in arguments may frustrate a partner and erode the relationship. Effective communication and resolution are key to handling a difficult partner and preventing repeated issues (4).
Point to consider5. Accept your spouse for who they are
One of the root causes of a conflict or your spouse not getting along is because things such as hair style, dressing up, speech patterns, etc., or behavioral expressions from others are desired to be seen on the partner. Such sort of wishful thinking can lead to frustration and build-up of a high level of negative energy.
You need to stop trying to change the other person, and direct your focus on something more positive and productive. Accept your better half for who they are, and you’ll notice a drastic change in their behavior and response, and yes, for the better.
Point to consider6. Ask, don’t interpret or assume things
A fight or argument arises because you misinterpret your other half’s expressions or actions. A typical reaction to misinterpretation is to display it with anger, rudeness, or disrespect. When you’re unsure about something your partner said or did, instead of assuming what they meant, ask them directly. For example, if they seem distant, instead of thinking they’re upset with you, ask, “Is everything okay? You seem a bit off today.”
Quick tip7. Give each other space
Sometimes, the best way to handle a husband or wife who prefers their own space is by giving them the space. When you have your own lives outside of each other, it becomes easier to get along. If they’ve had a long day and retreat to their personal space, respect that by giving them the quiet time they need. It’s all about striking the right balance between being together and being apart. It could be in the form of having your own interests or hobbies or working in separate companies. While this might seem counter-intuitive for you, it yields positive results.
8. Find a middle ground
It’s natural for two people to have interests that differ. You need to find the middle ground and make a compromise. And it’s much easier than you think! When the relationship is your priority, you will feel like agreeing on things and won’t feel like you’re making a huge sacrifice. You and your partner have different preferences towards how to spend your weekends. Instead of insisting on your own plan, suggest combining both ideas. You could say, “How about we spend the morning doing what you enjoy, and the afternoon doing what I prefer?” This approach shows that you’re willing to compromise while still valuing each other’s interests.
9. Be assertive and respectful
An assertive spouse will show trust and confidence while dealing with two or more different points of view. This doesn’t mean you yell and fight to get your way out of something. This will blow the issue out of proportion. When you act assertively, you take a position where you can directly yet respectfully express your wants while taking your partner’s wants and feelings into consideration.
And when you’re assertive and respectful, you show that you’re open, honest, and confident. Simultaneously, you empower your partner to take their share of responsibility.
10. Catch the acts of anger and rudeness early on
It’s natural for people, including your partner, to get angry sometimes. Even acts of control, rudeness, or disrespect are common once in a while. But if you witness this behavior regularly, it’s not normal.
When these become a pattern, things tend to spiral. Once a person gets into the habit of resentment or anger, there is little or slight chance of turning back. If you recognize and catch such a pattern early on, try to determine the underlying causes and draw necessary boundaries. When they snap at you over a minor issue, calmly point out that their tone seems harsh, and ask if something is bothering them. Address it head-on, as delays will only make the foundation of your relationship rocky.
11. De-escalate the situation
It’s crucial to remain calm and not fight fire with fire when dealing with an angry partner. Confronting or arguing with an angry spouse will lead them to become more defensive and uncooperative. Instead of raising your voice or saying something that could hurt your partner, try taking a deep breath and lowering your tone. You might say something like, “I understand you’re upset, and I don’t want us to argue. Let’s take a moment to cool down, and we can talk through this.”
The calmer you are, perhaps the quicker their anger will subside. The aim of de-escalation is to redirect animosity into cooperation.
12. Realize it’s not about you
Sometimes, anger has nothing to do with you — there may be other things going on in your partner’s life. And while you sometimes know what’s happening, you might not have the slightest clue at other times. When your partner seems distant or irritable, take a moment to recognize that their mood could be influenced by outside stressors like work or personal issues, not your actions. Realize that there’s something deeper that’s causing the anger or resentment. This will help you react and respond in a calmer and better way.
13. Acknowledge their feelings
You may dislike how your partner acts, displays anger, uses insulting words, or shows disrespect, but you should try to show empathy and respect their feelings. If your partner expresses feeling overwhelmed by work, instead of dismissing it, say something like, “I can see you’re really stressed, and I understand how tough that must be.” This shows empathy and helps them feel heard.
Sometimes, the answer to such harsh behavior is being understood, accepted, and cared for. The point is not to agree or disagree with their outburst, but to acknowledge their hurt feelings. It is not expected of you to display the intention of forgiveness for bad behavior. However, there should always be room for improvement and appreciation.
Often, understanding your angry partner may be one of the hardest things to do, but it is a crucial step to moving past the pain. However, every affected partner has their limit in dealing with the harsh behavior.
14. Focus on all the good
Underneath that anger and disrespect, your spouse has a kind and loving side. Focus on that positive energy and nurture it. Over time, they’ll tend to show their good side more often. When they do something thoughtful, take a moment to acknowledge it, even if it’s something small.
15. Know when you have to leave
Unfortunately, even after you’ve given more than 100%, things may not work out. Despite your efforts, if your partner’s anger, rudeness, or disrespect doesn’t end, it’s not right for you. If they don’t see that their behavior is affecting your relationship, you shouldn’t be the one who suffers. It might be a good time to walk away from things you can’t change.
16. Understand relationship dynamics
Recognizing the roles and interactions between partners is a key to solving conflicts. Each partner’s unique background and experiences shape their behavior and responses. Knowing these dynamics can help couples communicate more effectively and work together to tackle issues.
What To Do When Things Go Beyond Control
Dealing with a difficult spouse can be challenging, especially when emotions run high and your efforts to stay positive are proving futile. Take a step back and consider how to handle the situation healthily.
- Recognize the signs: Acknowledge when the relationship is becoming toxic or when behaviors like constant arguing, disrespect, or emotional manipulation are dominating.
- Set boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable. This will help both partners know their limits and reduce the intensity of conflicts. Boundaries are meant to safeguard our well-being and play a crucial role in fostering trust, safety, and respect within relationships (5).
- Seek counseling: When things go beyond control, professional help can provide tools to resolve underlying issues. Couples therapy may help break patterns of negative behavior.
- Take time for yourself: Sometimes, space is necessary. Taking a break allows both partners to reflect on the relationship and come back with a fresh perspective.
When dealing with a difficult spouse, it’s essential to approach the situation with patience, clear communication, and professional help when necessary. If things go beyond control, taking steps to protect your well-being is crucial, as both partners deserve respect and happiness.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is stonewalling in marriage?
Refusal to talk to someone or avoid conversation is referred to as stonewalling. Couples often use stonewalling in marriage to end arguments and conflicts. Some use it as a coping mechanism to deal with their partners in an emotionally charged environment. On the other hand, some use it to manipulate and control their partners. While stonewalling can save you from an uncomfortable conversation, it may prove more detrimental than helpful because it doesn’t kill the conflict from the root.
2. How can I express my needs and feelings to my partner without causing a fight?
When expressing your needs or feelings, try to be calm before having a serious conversation. Lay your focus on the problem and contemplate practical and effective solutions with them by communicating honestly and clearly.
3. What should I do if my partner constantly criticizes or belittles me?
A constant habit of criticism and belittlement from your partner’s end can be emotional abuse. You need to make your partner understand how his words make you feel and tell him honestly that this behavior will not be tolerated. You may seek professional help to understand the dynamics of your relationship and possible coping strategies.
4. How can I handle my partner’s mood swings and emotional outbursts?
Enquire what is causing their mood swings and emotional outbursts and how you could help. If your partner shares openly about the issues, sit with them and offer solutions by listening to them and offering advice. This will assure your partner that you are there for them and will help in any way possible for their betterment.
5. What should I do if my partner is not interested in working on the relationship?
First, understand why your partner feels this way and does not want to work towards the relationship. Once you get there, you may try talking to a counselor or therapist for relationship coaching or taking a break from the relationship for a stipulated time to give each other the necessary space. However, if nothing works, it could be best to end the relationship on a positive note and move on for the better.
If you often say, “I hate my husband”, it is high time you rethink your relationship. Identifying the reason may help you sort out the problem and strengthen the relationship. There can be conflicts and hate when individuals live under the same roof since most people do not see the opposing sides unless they live in the same space. Discussing the problems and putting conscious effort could help the couples end conflicts. You may also try thinking from his side and communicate with him about the problems to have a real-time resolution.
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. My Husband Doesn’t Care About My Feelings (How to Deal With a Husband Who Doesn’t Care About Your Feelings);https://medium.com/@melodykhlo/my-husband-doesnt-care-about-my-feelings-how-to-deal-with-a-husband-who-doesn-t-care-about-your-3444666fdfb7
Infographic: Features Of A Difficult Partner
One moment you feel loved, but the other moment, you are poorly treated or made to feel worse; if you can relate to this situation, chances are you could be dealing with a difficult partner or spouse. We bring some of the most common traits of a difficult partner in this infographic to understand them better and make the proper decision to cope with them. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Illustration: How To Handle A Difficult Husband Or Wife: 15 Golden Tips
Image: Dall·E/MomJunction Design Team
Learn about the five common behaviors that can ruin relationships. Discover how to identify and avoid them to keep your relationship healthy.
References
- What does an unhealthy relationship look like?
https://www.mass.gov/info-details/what-does-an-unhealthy-relationship-look-like - Time Spent Together in Intimate Relationships: Implications for Relationship Functioning;
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8320759/ - Within-Couple Associations Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction Over Time;
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8915221/pdf/10.1177_01461672211016920.pdf - Relationship difficulties and help-seeking behaviour;
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a7a477540f0b66a2fc01316/DfE-RR018.pdf - How is Life Tree(ting) You?: Trust, Safety, and Respect – The Importance of Boundaries;
https://studentaffairs.stanford.edu/how-life-treeting-you-importance-of-boundaries
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