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It was all good in the beginning. But then it all started to go downhill, and you turned a blind eye towards the hints, reaching the point where you are considering divorce. But, how to stop a divorce?
A relationship is a combination of good and bad. So you cannot expect it to be all roses and rainbows all the time. There will be times under dark clouds, and you need to make sure that you address those issues instead of just sliding them under the carpet. Divorce may occur as a culmination point of constantly avoiding addressing any issues in the relationship. But instead of giving up on your marriage, certainly do fight for it at least once. Just like this anonymous blogger (married for 16 years) did when she found out about her husband’s infidelity. She says in her blog, “I’ve pinpointed warning signs and recognized that I chose my husband in spite of those red flags. I chose him. I wanted our relationship and I fought for him. Our relationship did not come easily. There were obstacles, but I was young, in love, and I believed we were invincible. I loved him (i).”
However, over the years, couples seem to have put in more effort to make a marriage work. As we can see in the chart below, the divorce rate in the US touched an all-time low in 2019, when it stood at 14.9 divorces per 1000 marriages. In addition, according to the American Family Survey, the exceptional circumstances during the pandemic have made couples more appreciative of their spouse, which has helped them deepen their commitment to marriage.
US divorce rate over the years
Source: The U.S. Divorce Rate Has Hit a 50-Year Low, Institute for Family Studies/NCHS/Decennial Census/American Community Survey DataThankfully, all is not lost, and you may still save your marriage by taking the right steps to avoid a divorce. Read on for a few pointers on how you can keep your marriage alive and bring the spark back in it.
11 Ways To Stop A Divorce
Here are a few things you can do to prevent getting to the point of legal separation or divorce.
1. Stop blaming each other
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A relationship works or fails because of both the partners and not just one of them. If you want the marriage to work, refrain from saying things like “you always/never do x, y, or z” or “ this is all your fault,” or “you are fortunate that I came back for you.” This will only make your spouse more distant. Instead, try to talk about what you feel and what is bothering you about their actions at the moment, rather than making the discussion an attack on your partner’s historical behavior.
Avoid bringing up old arguments. Try to also make it about both of you, what you both need, and what you both can do to be better, not just one of you so that you can be part of the solution together.
2. Introspect
Before trying to convince your partner to reconsider their decision, you need to introspect. Understanding how to reconnect with your spouse involves taking a look at yourself and your behavior within the marriage to understand what you want and why you want them in your life.
Take a look at yourself and your behavior within the marriage to understand what you want and why you want them in your life? Where did things go wrong, and what can you do to make it better? When you know the answers to these questions, you’ll have clarity about what to tell your partner and expect from the relationship.
Point to consider3. Be careful of what you say
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Your partner has heard and said enough before arriving at this decision. For them to even reconsider changing their stance, they’ll need to hear something optimistic and practical. So be extremely careful about what you tell them. If you blame or play the victim, or ask them to stay because you need them, then chances are they’d want a divorce even more.
Instead, accept your flaws, if any, and subtly point out how their behavior has affected you and the relationship. Look at both sides and talk about the good things you’ll both be missing if you get divorced. Choose words that convey your acceptance, love, and understanding.
4. Accept their side of things
You might be a perfect son, friend, and colleague, but when your partner says you have done something that has hurt them, then you probably did. Even if you disagree, don’t immediately defend yourself and try to shift blame. Always try listening and understanding from their perspective and comprehending the situation mindfully. Arguments that are about finding faults keep going in a loop. As hard as it may be, admit your mistakes and empathize with your spouse. Apologize if it is your mistake. This will help them reconnect and think for reconciliation.
That said, do not take the blame for your spouse’s mistakes. If they blame you for things you are not responsible for, then tell them gently that the accusations hurt you.
5. Be open to change
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Resistance to change may be one of the most common reasons for divorce. If you want your marriage to work, you need to accept your mistakes and be willing to change. You need not change your life altogether, but a few behavioral changes could keep the peace in the marriage and make your spouse happy. For example, if you have an addiction, working on it can help you save your marriage. If you have uncontrollable anger, then practicing meditation and yoga can help you keep your temper in check.
However, unreasonable demands on you to give up your career or dreams, not spend time with friends, and not have a life outside of marriage cannot be entertained. Any other minor changes that can save your marriage should be considered.
Do remember6. Maintain a connection
If your spouse has decided to move out of the relationship, but you are not ready to let go, try to maintain a connection with them. Whether it is discussing the kids, a common friend, or your home in general, keep talking to them whenever possible.
Every time you make an effort to reach out and include them in your life, they may realize that you are still trying to stay connected and save the marriage. Lose the connection, and in no time, the distance increases, turning you into strangers who were once an important part of each other’s lives.
7. Hush your brain
Our brain uses the fight or flight response to protect us from getting hurt. So, when your relationship is hurting, you might want to stay away from that person. You may get angry and make impulsive decisions in a rush to save yourself from whatever is hurting you.
When you’re angry and hurt, avoid responding immediately. Take time to think and process what happened to respond maturely, without being nasty or dragging the past issues into the present.
8. Go for counseling
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Seeking professional advice or looking from outside support will help you both work on the things that are bothering you. Couples on the verge of divorce tend to get stuck in a vicious cycle of arguing and blaming, which will lead to more hatred and bitterness. An objective third party or a therapist may provide mediation and help you bring in a fresh perspective. They can also help you figure out your underlying issues and teach you communication strategies that can help you resolve your conflicts.
However, counseling is a team effort because it requires commitment from both partners to work together to fix the relationship. So, convince your partner and go for it.
On this note, pick someone who has expertise in marital counseling and shares a good rapport with you and your partner. You must feel comfortable sharing your feelings with your therapist.
9. Have a plan in place
Reviving a broken marriage needs a lot of work. Both the partners must agree to a plan and take it forward. They must be committed not to repeat any of the past mistakes. Also, both partners must accept certain aspects within each other.
For example, even though your spouse is a bit harsh when they tell you something for your own good, do not get offended by their ways; instead, look at their positive motives. Accept that no one is perfect, and your partner has their own way of doing certain things.
10. Healing takes time
Whatever has led to the idea of divorce is not just some regular marital spat. The fact that one partner has given up on the relationship speaks volumes about how much they are hurt.
They may have further built a wall around them to protect themselves. Healing, in such cases, will take time. If your partner doesn’t respond to your initial efforts, then do not get discouraged or blame them for not trying. Understand how difficult it can be for them to open up again and risk getting hurt. So practice building patience while doing what you must do, and give them their space to think.
Quick tip11. Weave your own love story (again)
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Here comes the good stuff! Once you both have worked on the issues and healed old wounds, it is time to create some good memories to replace the bitter ones. If your partner has turned around and both have asked for forgiveness for the deeds, you should not sit back and relax. This is where the real healing starts; this is the time to show that you don’t just talk but also act. Make it a habit to:
- Spend time with each other
- Treat each other with compassion and kindness
- Address issues instead of sweeping them under the rug
- Take care of each other’s needs
- Listen to each other and help each other out
You might have had the best love story in the past, but now you can build an even better one. You should always show appreciation towards the efforts put in by both of you to rekindle the lost love.
Know When To Stop
You might want to give the relationship a second chance, but sometimes, things go so out of hand that no matter how much you try, the relationship cannot be repaired. Just because you are ready to get back, doesn’t mean that your partner should also feel the same. In such cases, you can only stop trying to fix the broken relationship and move on.
That said, marriage cannot work if you’re the only willing participant to make changes. But do your part sincerely and wait for your partner’s response. Observe your partner’s reaction to your efforts and see if there’s any improvement in the equation.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What are the signs that a marriage is over?
Your marriage may end if you feel indifferent towards your spouse and there is no intimacy. It may be over if you or your spouse has lost all hope of saving the marriage. Other factors like infidelity, abuse, and addiction may also decide the fate of your marriage.
2. Is it possible to change our mind about a divorce?
Yes, It will be easier if you have not signed the divorce papers already, but even if you have, you can always restore your relationship.
3. Can I get my wife back after divorce?
Getting your wife back after a divorce is possible, but it will depend on various factors, including the reasons for the divorce, the current relationship dynamics, and the individual priorities and needs of both parties. If both parties are willing to work on the relationship and are committed to making things better, there is a chance that you can look at getting back together after separation or even divorce. However, it is essential to approach the situation with honesty, openness, and a willingness to listen and compromise.
When marital issues don’t get resolved even after all your efforts and professional counseling, the solution to how to save a relationship becomes vague. In such situations, it is best to let things be and respect your partner’s decision. But make sure that you are not compromising your happiness to save a relationship. When you begin to accept all your partner’s demands, it may temporarily make them happy but leave you distressed. It can lead to more fights and arguments. Therefore, both the partners must be willing to work to stop a divorce and save their marriage.
Infographic: Important Things To Do To Stop A Divorce
A divorce is a painful and difficult experience for the spouses, their families, and their children. So, if you think there is still hope in your marriage and wish to reconcile with your partner, take the necessary steps now. The infographic below outlines a few practical strategies to help you win over your spouse again and prevent divorce.
Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Key Pointers
- Pointing fingers at each other’s mistakes is not the best way to deal with problems.
- Think twice before speaking up and make a point that seems to favor both.
- Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and be open to certain changes.
Illustration: How To Stop A Divorce: 11 Ways You Can Try To Reconcile
Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team
Stop the divorce process while gaining important knowledge about safeguarding your rights and negotiating legal difficulties to achieve the best possible outcome for yourself.
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. Trying to find the right words; https://healingaftermyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/2014/10/28/trying-to-find-the-right-words/
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