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You have been going around with a guy for some time, but something seems off. Your physical relationship is not how you expected it to be, and you start doubting whether he is gay. So, how to tell if your boyfriend is gay? You cannot be sure unless he tells you himself. But there might be some probable and apparent signs that can make you understand.
If you’ve got vibes from your boyfriend that have made you doubt his sexuality, there could be a slight possibility that he could be a closeted gay (i.e., he has not disclosed his sexual orientation or gender identity), or he’s still not aware of his sexuality. Understanding your partner’s sexuality can be tough and emotional. It’s important to handle this with empathy and care.
This post entails some signs that could be helpful for you to figure it out and advises on what to do next.
Key Pointers
- Some signs may suggest your boyfriend’s sexuality, but you cannot be absolutely sure.
- Gay men check out other men as they are attracted to them.
- Talking through your doubts with him is certainly the best option before deciding on something.
Signs To Watch Out For If You Think Your Boyfriend Is Gay
If you often find yourself wondering, “Is my boyfriend gay?’” it may be because you have found some signs that raised this suspicion. The following signs could give you a better understanding of the situation.
1. He checks out other men
Whether single or in a relationship, checking out other females is quite common for straight guys. But if your man notices other men, it could signify that he is sharing a chemistry with them. You may also find him ogling over men with fabulous physiques. Since he’s not ready to reveal his sexuality to you, he might give subtle glances, so you need to figure it out quickly.
2. His friends are gay
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As the saying goes, “Show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are,” People around us give a lot of impressions about our liking, personality, and character. While straight men usually have guy friends as some feel uncomfortable around gay people, if your man has lots of LGBTQ+ and gay friends, this could be a sign to watch out. So, look out with whom your boyfriend hangs out the most and how deep their relationship is. Though it may not always be the case, it could be right in some instances.
3. He seems emotionally and physically detached from you
This is one of the most important and noticeable signs that could suggest your boyfriend is gay. While it could mean that your boyfriend is being affectionate and wants you to be more comfortable before asking you for sex, if he’s emotionally detached from you, it could mean either he’s cheating on you or has different sexual preferences. You could notice that he’s rarely making eye contact with you or initiating romantic conversations.
Quick tip4. He is doubtful about your relationship
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If he’s talking about having doubts about your relationship with him, it could mean that he’s losing his interest in you and looking for excuses for breaking up. But it is also possible that he shows affection to men if his doubts about your relationship are coupled with other signs of being gay.
5. He’s gotten into gay and bisexual porn
It is yet another probable sign suggesting your man is gay. While different people have different preferences and categories of porn that appeals to them, when somebody gets into a specific type of porn, it can often be a precursor or reflection of what they’re into in their sex life. You can also find gay dating apps on his phone. So, if he tells you about his interest in watching gay pornography and bisexual porn, or you catch him watching one, you can guess the reason.
6. He flirts with men around you
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If you find your boyfriend subconsciously showing intimacy to other men and he starts flirting or glancing at men on the television makes his eyes flutter, there is a good chance he’s interested in them.
7. He becomes uncomfortable around gay topics
If your boyfriend becomes homophobic around gay men or gets uncomfortable if there is a conversation about gay men and bisexual relationships, it could be because of his repressed feelings. So, if your boyfriend becomes repulsive about such topics or individuals, it could be one of the signs that he’s gay.
8. He’s comfortable being physical with men
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For straight men, being touchy, holding hands, and some other borderline things are ‘big no’ unless they feel extreme emotions. If you notice your man being too comfortable or touchy with his guy best friend, male coworker, or other men, it might affirm that he is into them. But this could also be possible between best buddies. So, try reading between the lines. But this could also be possible between best buddies. So, try reading between the lines.
Point to consider9. He is bisexual
There could be times when you think his feelings for you, whether romantically, physically, or emotionally, are perfect, but other times, his behavior is suspicious and seems gay. It might mean that he’s bisexual. So, he could be in love with you and have an attraction for you, but at the same time, he wants to or might be in a relationship with a man.
What Should You Do If You Suspect Your Boyfriend Is Gay?
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Finding out your lover is gay or having him lie about his sexual orientation could be hurtful. So, when you uncover these indicators in your partner, you may be in a state of emotional upheaval, and you could be distressed. Here are a few suggestions that may be useful in such circumstances.
- When you realize or even strongly suspect him to be gay, talk with him rather than making assumptions. But make sure to make the conversation warm rather than aggressive. Find a quiet place where you can talk peacefully without interruptions. When both of you are calm, tell him how you feel about your relationship and wish to know him better. Assure him that you are not trying to judge him and that your goal is to promote a safe space for honest discussion. You can also start the conversation with an open-ended question such as, “I’ve noticed some things that make me wonder if you are struggling with something. Is there anything you’d like to share with me?” or “I care deeply about you and want to understand you fully. Have you ever felt that your feelings about relationships might be different from what we’ve discussed?”
- Seek support from trusted friends or LGBTQ+ communities to gain insights and perspectives.
- Experts state that a person’s sexual orientation usually develops between middle childhood and early teenage years. The feeling of attraction can develop even without any sexual experience. For example, someone can identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or straight even if they haven’t been in a romantic or sexual relationship (1). However, society still has stereotypical thoughts about the LGBTQ+ community, which might have forced your boyfriend to be secretive about his sexuality. So, if your boyfriend reveals it to you, try to be empathic, listen, and support him in his companionship.
An anonymous from the Midwestern describes how she discovered her boyfriend’s sexual orientation after being in the relationship for four years. She says, “He began by saying, ‘I need to tell you something.’ Of course, I immediately thought he had cheated on me, but I was blown away when he instead said, ‘I think I am gay.’ He started by explaining that he was confused and had been thinking about it for several months but wasn’t 100% sure. As time went by, after about a week, he explained that he was becoming more and more sure that he was ‘entirely’ gay. I was completely blown away. My immediate reaction was to support him because he was so emotional. I was the first person he had ever said this out loud to, and it was a huge experience for both of us. For the first ten minutes of the conversation, I thought more about calming him down and letting him know that it was okay, and I was glad he told me (i).”
- Don’t force your relationship on him. You may have grown deeply attached to your boyfriend, and it’s not fair that things have taken such a drastic turn. However, there is no point in forcing your boyfriend to continue the relationship with you. Instead, be his pillar of support and help him sort his feelings out.
- Don’t discuss your boyfriend’s sexuality with others or publicly reveal him for his social, emotional, and physical well-being. It’s possible that he isn’t entirely aware of his sexuality yet, or that he is keeping it for some reason.
- Make a choice whether you want to be in this relationship or not because a gay or bisexual husband or wife often wants to continue to be in a normal relationship with the opposite sex due to societal or family pressure.
- Remember that your boyfriend being gay is not anyone’s fault. Experts state that “Homosexuality is a natural orientation in some and an acquired behavior in the rest (1).” So, know that his actions are driven by himself and his unfulfilled wants, and no one is to blame.
- You can also seek professional help or counseling from a relationship coach if you’re too confused or your thoughts are messed up. They will help you get a clear and fresh insight into your mutual relationship, thus, helping you to make a decision.
Emotional Experiences After Finding Your Boyfriend Is Gay
Finding out about your boyfriend’s sexuality can stir up many emotions. You might feel confused or surprised and worry about what it means for your relationship. It’s normal to have mixed feelings, from concern about the future to sympathy for what he’s experiencing.
You might feel a sense of loss or fear about changes in your relationship, or you could feel a bit of relief if it leads to honest talks. Whatever you feel, take your time to work through it. This situation can be challenging but also a chance to grow and understand each other better.
Like Ross and Carol from the famous American TV series ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S.,’ where Carol turned out to be a lesbian after marriage, there could also be instances in real life. Many signs could indicate a man is gay, but jumping to conclusions based on stereotypes can harm relationships. If you ever feel that your boyfriend’s actions appear to be gay but don’t know ‘how to tell if your boyfriend is gay,’ all of the above factors could help. But remember that these signs are not conclusive of your boyfriend’s sexual orientation. He may show these signs and still be heterosexual. The best way to be sure is to ask him directly. And if he admits to it, know that it’s not your fault, and it can happen in any relationship. So, rather than questioning or blaming yourself or him for their conduct, keep your calm and make a sensible decision.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How can I support my boyfriend if he comes out as gay?
Stand by him as coming out may be difficult for him too. Offer to be with him when he comes out to his family or friends. If needed, accompany him to a psychotherapist or sex educator, who can better answer his questions regarding his sexuality.
2. How can I help my boyfriend come to terms with his sexuality?
You can have him consult a sex educator who is better equipped with the resources to help your boyfriend understand and accept his sexuality. If he is unwilling to seek professional help, then you can offer your support, assuring him that you will be by his side whenever he makes a decision.
3. How can I educate myself about LGBTQ+ issues?
Do your research to understand the different types of sexualities that exist. You can join an LGBTQ+ community wherein you can ask questions to better understand the problems being faced and how they have been fighting against discrimination.
Infographic: Signs Your Boyfriend May Be Gay And How To Deal With It
“Coming out” is a tough decision for most people due to societal pressure and judgments. And sometimes, people realize their sexual preference only after spending time with someone they don’t seem to be attracted to. But asking your boyfriend, “are you gay?” may not be the easiest task, so here are the subtle signs to look out for. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. True story: After dating for 4 years, my boyfriend came out as gay;https://www.yesandyes.org/2015/12/boyfriend-came-out.html
References
- Understanding sexual orientation and homosexuality.
https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/orientation - R Ramachandran et al., A study on male homosexual behavior.; National Center for Biotechnology Information
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4660555/
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