What to do when your husband ignores you?

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Husbands often show insensitivity and refuse to acknowledge their wives’ feelings. If your husband hasn’t been asking you how you are or doesn’t seem concerned about you, you may wonder if he is ignoring you. Colleen Sheehy Orme, a relationship columnist, shares her experience living with a neglectful husband. She says, “My husband and I lived together and played together. But my day-to-day hopes, my dreams, my interests, my worries, my fears, my stresses, my joys, and my happiness were left to me alone. I had no one to share them with. My husband cared about his own world. He cared nothing about mine (i).” Regardless of the reason, the sudden change in his behavior may affect you adversely, making you feel sad, angry, or confused. You may have tried to talk with your husband about this, but he appears to be in no mood for conversation. If you feel neglected or unwanted and want to know why your husband doesn’t pay attention to your needs, this post will help. Read on as we list some possible reasons your husband is ignoring you.

Possible Reasons Why A Husband Might Ignore Wife

Sometimes, your husband might seem distant or inattentive and leave you feeling neglected and ignored. Occasional distractions are understandable, but persistent negligence might suggest deep-rooted issues. There could be several reasons for a man to ignore his wife or for a woman to feel ignored by her husband. We have listed some of them here.

1. When there are communication issues

In most cases, a lack of healthy communication can leave the wife feeling neglected. For instance, a quarrel between you two could make you say something harsh to your husband, knowingly or unknowingly.

Later, you may forget about it and go back to being normal. But your husband is still hurt and angry and could start avoiding any conversation with you, instead of telling you what’s bothering him. Without proper communication, the gap between you two could get bigger, thus leading to loneliness in marriage and harming your relationship.

2. When friends become a priority

Sometimes, you may feel neglected when your husband spends more time with his friends than he does with you.

In some cases, he may not be intending to ignore you. But in some cases, the neglect could be deliberate, with your husband wanting to spend more time with his friends and not you.

3. When you keep finding faults

Disagreements and arguments are common in married life, whether old or new. Sometimes, intentionally or unintentionally, you might end a discussion by blaming your husband or by pinpointing his faults, leading to a situation where your husband resents you. And when you do that but fail to acknowledge your mistakes and apologize even when you are at fault, your husband may get miffed.

If this becomes a pattern, it could take a toll on your husband. He might find talking to you uneasy and avoid any conversation that could result in conflict.

4. When sexual life is not on track

Whether you are newly married or have been married for years, physical intimacy plays an important role in your relationship. It brings you closer emotionally (1). If you and your partner are not able to enjoy sex or seem uninterested in it, chances are you will drift apart, and your husband may start to look at other ways and ignore you. Talking about it and trying to find ways to make your sex life interesting can help, but ignoring each other or giving each other the silent treatment will only make you feel more distant.

5. When stress is constant

Stress could be due to various reasons – financial pressure, workplace responsibilities, family issues or something else. Any of these could adversely affect your husband’s mood just as it could affect yours. He might not be able to spend enough time with you as he used to, and you could interpret that he is ignoring you.

6. When his emotional needs are not met

Your husband may be ignoring you if you are not meeting his emotional needs. He may be feeling unappreciated and unsupported. You may not be deliberately making him feel this way, but your lack of proactiveness in showing your love, gratitude, and desire for him could be pushing him away. Husbands feel loved through gestures of affection, such as hugs, kisses, sweet words, or even holding hands. These actions can make them feel loved and appreciated and strengthen the emotional connection between spouses (2). If these emotional needs are not met, it can make them feel isolated and frustrated, causing them to ignore you.

7. When he is cheating on you

Infidelity or an extramarital affair could be a possible reason behind the growing distance and marital discord. If your husband likes some other person, his behavior starts to change–he tries to stay away and alienates you. He might make excuses, cancel plans with you regularly, and be emotionally and physically unavailable (3). But, unless you have proof, you should not come to any conclusion. Sometimes, what you think might not be true.

These were a few common reasons that explain why a husband may ignore his wife. Some other factors at play could include the individual’s past, constant fights, trust issues, or too many responsibilities. The key to resolving the problem is to identify the cause and then think about what to do and what not to do.

Quick fact

It is speculated that cheating is not always a desire to look for someone new but a way to explore the repressed parts of a person. This desire usually springs from insecurity.

What To Do When Your Husband Ignores You

Feeling ignored by your husband can be frustrating and emotionally challenging. However, you need to handle the situations with patience and understanding. Here are some practical tips for reconnecting with your husband and strengthening your relationship.

1. Give him some time and space

When your husband is ignoring you, and barely responds even after you say something several times, chances are he is preoccupied with other things on his mind. So, try and give him some space to figure things out. Sometimes, both you and your husband need to take a break from the mundane stuff and let things go at their own pace. Instead of worrying or getting furious, stay calm, and give him time to get back to his usual self.

2. Be kind and positive

He may stonewall you, disrespect you, or simply be rude to you. Try not to let these things affect you. It may be difficult to tolerate, but being rude won’t make things any easier. Be mature and put your relationship before your ego.

Use supportive language and be compassionate and understanding instead of lashing out. When you are gracious and friendly with him during the bad times, he may realize how his behavior and utter disregard for your needs may be hurting you.

3. Initiate a healthy conversation

A relationship without communication may lead to misunderstandings and turn topsy-turvy. Usually, men stop talking when they are worried about something, and this could worsen with time. You should sit with your husband during these situations and try to get them to talk about it. If it is something that you did to hurt them, apologize, and make things better. A healthy conversation is better than the blame game that couples get caught in when they disagree with each other. However, remember the following points when having a conversation with your husband (4).

• Clearly state why you wish to have the conversation. Start your sentences with ‘I’ instead of ‘You’ so that you do not sound accusatory.
• Find an ideal time when you can have the conversation peacefully. Do not reach out to him while he is in the middle of work or in a bad mood.
• Try to find common ground and compromise with your partner. Approach the situation gently, and ensure you understand each other’s stance.
• Don’t brush things under the rug in favor of maintaining the image of a good relationship. Talk with your partner and try to resolve any misunderstanding.

Point to consider

One-sided talk is not a healthy style of communication.

4. Try to fulfill his needs

Men, usually, are not so expressive. They might want something but may not always ask for it. While you cannot gauge their needs or ask them about it each time, try to talk about it and create a communication system that lets you be honest and transparent about what you want. And try to fulfill each other’s needs, be it affection, love, appreciation, or respect.

While these are things you should do if your husband ignores you, there are certain things you must refrain from doing.

What Not To Do When Your Husband Ignores You

While it’s natural to feel hurt, frustrated, or angry when your husband ignores you, reacting impulsively can make things worse. Here are a few things you should avoid doing when your partner acts distant and aloof.

1. Don’t argue

You may get angry with your husband when he spends more time with friends or when he forgets something or when your sex life is not great. But arguing and fighting will not get you anywhere. So instead of losing your temper and picking up a fight and arguing over and over again, sit and talk about it like adults. Avoid using derogatory language, throwing insults, name-calling, or using sarcastic comments and demeaning statements (5).

2. Don’t bring the past

If something wrong has happened in the past, it should be left in the past when you want to see a happy future with each other. When you bring up certain things you shouldn’t say to your husband, it can exacerbate the problem (5). This can be the reason why he treats you with disdain.

3. Don’t shut him up

When your husband is ignoring you, do not ignore him back. Marriage is not a game or competition where one partner always wins. It is a journey that you both have to make together, holding each other’s hands. To re-establish your partnership, let him know that you understand his feelings and support him, no matter what he is going through. If he speaks, listen to him; don’t shut him down.

4. Don’t jump to conclusions

Your husband may be ignoring you, but he may not be doing so intentionally. Before jumping to conclusions regarding the reasons behind his actions, think about external factors like work stress, personal issues, or mental health problems that he may be dealing with. Dr. Bill Walker, a marriage and family therapist, writes, “One thing you can do to reduce marital conflict is not jump to bad conclusions when your spouse offends you. The problem is over-interpreting our spouse’s words and behaviors… Over-interpreting could just as easily be called MIS-interpreting. When you misinterpret another person’s actions you have literally MISSED in your understanding of those behaviors (ii).” Communicate openly and calmly regarding your observations about his behavior instead of escalating the situation and creating unnecessary conflicts. Dr. Walker adds, “When your spouse does something that offends you don’t automatically make an assumption. Ask yourself this one question: Could there be an alternative explanation that puts the blame somewhere beside my spouse? (ii)”

By doing a few things and not doing some, you will be able to resolve any issues that have made your husband distant. A little introspection and analysis of how your own behavior in the relationship has been can also throw light on why your husband is showing apathy.

Questions To Ask Yourself

Even while you are talking, probing, or understanding your husband’s behavior, you could try and ask yourself a few questions. These questions can help you understand your perspective and navigate your thoughts while you decide on your next steps.

1. When did everything start changing between us?

When was the last time everything seemed normal? Did you have a disagreement recently? Try to pinpoint the situation when things started to change to understand the reason behind your husband’s behavior and address it.

2. Did I pay attention to that incident, or did I brush it away?

If you addressed the issue that may have triggered the change in your husband’s behavior, then why is it still damaging your relationship? The role of a wife also includes encouragement and support. Do you think you forgot something? If some things are left unaddressed, try to deal with them and move forward.

3. I have tried everything to make things better, but my husband’s behavior is not changing. What should I do now?

If nothing is changing in spite of giving a lot of time and attention to your husband, then you should think about your future. Do you want to give it some more time and another chance, or do you want to move ahead? Before making any decision, make sure you talk to your husband about it. Don’t make any decisions on assumptions.

Infographic: Possible Reasons Why A Husband Might Ignore His Wife

If your husband constantly ignores you, no matter how hard you try to get his attention, there may be a hidden or deep reason for this behavior. This infographic reveals some common reasons why husbands may ignore their wives.

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Illustration: What To Do When Your Husband Ignores You?

Image: Dall·E/MomJunction Design Team

If you feel like your husband is deliberately ignoring you, it is time to re-evaluate your relationship. Learn about what it means when husbands ignore their wives from the video.

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Mary C. RayLCSW, ACSW, SEP

Mary C. Ray has 33 years of clinical experience in dealing with people and healing their traumas. She supports couples and individuals in opening up to their problems and supports their transformation from conflicts to growth.

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Shikha is a writer-turned-editor at MomJunction, with over seven years of experience in the field of content. Having done a certification in Relationship Coaching, her core interest lies in writing articles that guide couples through their courtship to marriage and parenthood.

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Benidamika holds a masters degree in Counseling Psychology from Assam Don Bosco University and another masters degree in English Literature from North Eastern Hill University. At MomJunction, Benidamika writes on human psychology and relationships.

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