290+ Husband And Wife Jokes That Are A Laugh Riot

Image: Midjourney/ MomJunction Design Team

It takes a great deal of effort to make a marriage work successfully. And one of the most important elements of marriage is having fun. This post on husband and wife jokes can help you add some amusement and spice to your marriage. If both the husband and wife do not mind cracking jokes at their expense, keep reading.

These jokes are not meant to hurt anyone’s emotions or feelings, nor do we aim to demean, inappropriately tease or ridicule the husband or the wife. We also do not endorse gender typification. Instead, these jokes are witty and humorous and make troublesome situations for married couples feel lighter. Read on for laughter inducers compiled in this post as an attempt to spark joy and mirth in your married life.

Types Of Husband And Wife Jokes

Just as every husband-wife bond is unique, the jokes are also different. We have collected jokes from various online and offline sources to give you a wide variety of jokes to choose from—use them depending on your mood and the occasion. But first, let’s have a look at the different types of husband and wife jokes.

1. Romantic jokes: These jokes show the playful and loving side of a marriage. They often highlight the affection between a husband and wife. Send these jokes when you feel your spouse is lonely and needs a hug.
2. Fight jokes: These jokes deal with the funny side of arguments and disagreements. Every couple fights. Send these jokes after a fight has been resolved.
3. Honeymoon jokes: These jokes focus on the early days of a marriage. Some couples manage to maintain the honeymoon phase even after several years. Send these jokes when you find your spouse irresistible.

Husband And Wife Jokes

Image: IStock

1. When did you get to know your spouse? Sadly, a week or two after the wedding.
2. I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
3. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me now.
4. A man approached a very beautiful woman in a supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” ”Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked, puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Do remember

When you joke on your wife, ensure it does not touch a raw nerve. For instance, if she is insecure about her appearance, do not joke about how funny or weird she looks.

5. A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
6. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
7. Wife: If you keep losing your hair at this speed, I shall divorce you.
   Husband: Oh my God! And I was stupid enough trying to save them!
8. Knock Knock
   Who’s there?
   The love of your life!
   Liar, you know chocolate can’t speak.
9. Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”
10. Marriage Tip: Your wife won’t start an argument with you when you’re cleaning, just as you wouldn’t when she is cooking your favorite meal.
11. How was the word “Wife” coined? They took the first two and the last two letters of “Wildlife”!
12. Well, 90% of married life consists of yelling “what?” from other rooms.
13. I bought my wife a mood ring. When she’s in a good mood, the ring turns blue. But when she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.
14. What should you give a man who has everything? A wife. She will tell him how everything works.
15. Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.

Do remember

If your spouse is fine with it, then you can crack jokes on them around your close family and friends but avoid joking in front of their office colleagues. They probably may not take it that well.

16. Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.
17. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
18. Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

Image: IStock

19. Wife: What are ten years with me?
    Husband: A second.
    Wife: What is $1,000 for me?
    Husband: A coin.
    Wife: Ok, give me a coin.
    Husband: Wait a second.
20. A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning, “Windows frozen, won’t open.” The husband texts back, “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.” The wife texts back five minutes later, “Computer really messed up now.”
21. You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “I can’t do both.”

22. Knock, Knock!
    Who’s there?
    Honey bee!
    Honey bee who?
    Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!
23. We both said “I do,” and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.
24. Wife: “How would you describe me?”
    Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
    Wife: “What does that stand for?”
    Husband: “Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H).”
    Wife: “Aw, thank you! But what about IJK?”
    Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
25. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

Do remember

Avoid making a jibe at your spouse through a joke. Joke to lighten the moment and have some fun with your better half.

26. Friend 1: “All my husband and I do anymore is fight.” I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
    Friend 2: “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?”
    Friend 1: “I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.”
27. If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.
28. Optimist (Noun): A man who leaves the engine running when his wife says she’s just going to run inside the shop to grab a bottle of milk.
29. Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to “Reason for visit?” he wrote, “My wife made me do it.”
30. My wife is so sweet. Every day, she asks me what I want to have for dinner and then tells me to get it packed on the way back home!
31. My husband and I had a very happy twenty years. After that, we met.
32. Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.
33. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
34. After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
35. I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. “Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, earlier, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.”
36. Husband: “ILY.”
    Wife: “Can you please say the words? It makes it better.”
    Husband: “I’m leaving you.”
37. Husband: I need space …
    Wife: Join NASA …
38. A man put out a classified ad that read, “Wife wanted.” The next day, he received a hundred responses, all saying the same thing: “You can have mine.”
39. A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
40. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your wife!
41. Husband: “Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
    Wife: “Because I married the wrong man!”
42. Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
43. At every party, there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
44. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it, and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
45. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
46. A doctor advised a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she got a divorce.
47. Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves.
48. Why do husbands love remote controls? Because it’s the only thing they can control!
49. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
50. What’s the secret to a happy marriage? A selective memory.
51. Why did the wife bring a broom to bed? Because she wanted to sweep him off his feet!
52. How do you know your husband is thinking about golf during an argument? He tees off with “Fore!”
53. My wife kept insisting I do macrame. Finally, I said, ‘Knot again!’
54. What’s a wife’s favorite kind of sandwich? The one she didn’t have to make.
55. Why do husbands always seem to be in a hurry? They’re trying to outrun their wives’ to-do lists!
56. My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days.
57. Why did the husband bring a ladder to the kitchen? He heard the recipe said to “whisk it.”
58. Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
    Husband: Okay, but if you get back before me, leave the light on.
59. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
60. How do you make your wife scream after an argument? Show her the dishes you didn’t wash!
61. Why did the husband bring a flashlight to bed? He wanted to shed some light on their relationship.
62. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised to hear it.
63. How do you keep your husband from reading your messages? Rename them “Instruction Manuals.”
64. Why do husbands make terrible detectives? Because they always jump to conclusions!
65. What four words are guaranteed to depress a husband anytime, anywhere? ‘Hold my purse, honey.’
66. What’s a wife’s secret weapon in an argument? Sarcasm.
67. My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that. I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!
68. Wife: Honey, do you want dinner?
    Husband: Sure, babe, what are my options?
    Wife: Yes and no.
69. Why did the husband bring a pillow to bed? He needed a soft landing after making a mistake.
70. What’s the difference between a wife and a GPS? The GPS at least admits when it’s wrong.
71. What’s a husband’s favorite type of flower? “Forgive and Forget-me-not.”
72. Why did the husband bring a magnifying glass to the kitchen? He wanted to make sure his wife’s instructions were crystal clear.
73. My darling wife and I often exchange our views and opinions. I come with my own and leave with hers.
74. Wife: “Honey, can I go out in this dress?”
    Husband: “Yes, sweetheart, it’s already dark out.”
75. If it’s true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.
76. How do you get your husband to do the dishes? Ask him to find a lost wedding ring!
77. What’s a wife’s favorite type of movie? Anything that doesn’t involve watching sports.
78. Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women?
    Because when it’s time to return to one’s childhood, the man is already there.
79. What’s a husband’s favorite type of dessert? Anything with an apology frosting.
80. Man: I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
    Friend: Why not?
    Man: I don’t like to interrupt her.
81. What’s a wife’s favorite type of vacation? Anywhere without Wi-Fi, so her husband can’t work.
82. Dear Grooms, once you get married, remember that when you discuss with your wife, always get the last two words right: “Yes, dear.”
83. How do you make your wife smile? Tell her you’ll do the grocery shopping.
84. When a wife says “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Instead, stand still and do not even blink.
85. Why did the husband buy his wife a GPS device? So she can never say he doesn’t know where he’s going in life.
86. Fortune teller: “So, you want to know your husband’s future?”
    Wife: Actually, no. You just tell me about his past, and I’ll decide his future!!”

Husband Wife Romantic Jokes

87. I got all dewy-eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been searching for the expiry date.
88. My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh boy, she’s already growing forgetful.
89. One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up, and you can do anything you want.” she purred. So, he tied her up and went golfing.
90. She was weeping. He sat down by her. He gently wiped away her tears. Unfortunately, half her eyebrows disappeared with them.
91. Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
    Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

Image: IStock

92. I’ve been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
93. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. —Ann Bancroft
94. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
95. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
96. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t grand, but the reception was excellent.
97. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” —Cindy Garner
98. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
99. I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. “My husband.”
100. A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”
101. My husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, “Mmm … that Vicks smells good.”
102. I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, “It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!”
103. I turned to my father one night and said, “It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?” He replied, “I can’t drive.”
104. My husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read, “The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!”
105. I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. “See anything you like?” I asked suggestively.
     “Yeah,” she said. “You doing housework.”
106. When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband smiles sweetly, nods my way, and explains, “We both love me.”
107. My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said. He did as instructed and while doing so, muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”
108. One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband never suspected a thing—especially since she ate a piece out of the second cake too.
109. I just bought my hubby a “get better soon” card. He is not sick…I just think he can be better.
110. Wife: “Where the hell are you?”
     Husband: “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money at that time, and I said, “Baby, it’ll be yours one day”?
     Wife (smiling and blushing): “Yeah, I remember that, my love!”
     Husband: “I’m in the pub just next to that shop.”
111. Why did the husband buy a ladder for his wife? Because he wanted to take their relationship to the next level!
112. Wife: “Darling, do we have a date for Valentine’s Day?
     Husband: “Yes, babe. It’s February 14th.”
113. Husband: “Do you like beaches, sweetheart?”
     Wife: “Yes, darling. The scenic views at the beach make me quite speechless!”
     Husband: “Excellent, we’re staying three weeks there.”
114. What do you call a wife who can balance a checkbook? A miracle worker!
115. Wife: “Darling, you never listen to me.”
     Husband: “Excuse me, what did you just say?”
116. Wife: “Why are you watching cooking shows if you can’t cook?”
     Husband: “Well, you watch romantic movies, don’t you?”
117. How does a husband show his love to his wife? He takes out the trash without being asked!
118. “A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time.” — Anne Taylor Fleming
119. Wife: “Darling, why don’t you ever say ‘I love you’?”
     Husband: “I do, babe. When I say, ‘I’m hungry,’ it means the same thing.”
120. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”
121. Why did the wife give her husband a calendar for their anniversary? Because she wanted to remind him of the date!
122. Why did the husband call his wife “the love of his life”? Because she let him watch the game in peace.
123. How do you keep the romance alive after getting married? Hide your spouse’s reading glasses, and wait for the sweet “You’re my hero!” when they find them.
124. Why did the husband give his wife a bouquet of batteries? Because she’s his constant source of energy.
125. What do you call the husband and wife bird in love? Tweet-hearts!
126. Wife: “Do you love me more than your video game?”
     Husband: “Of course, honey! Let me finish this level, and I’ll get back to you.”
127. What did the wife say when her husband asked if she wanted to go on a romantic drive? “Sure, but only if you promise not to ask for directions!”
128. Why did the husband serenade his wife with a guitar? Because he wanted to string her along.
129. Knock, knock.
     Who’s there?Olive who?
     Olive you so much!
130. Why did the wife bring a net to bed? Because she wanted to catch her husband’s dreams.
131. What did the husband say when his wife asked if he loved her more than football? “Of course, dear, but you know the season hasn’t started yet!”
132. Husband: “Why did you fall in love with me?”
     Wife: “Because you gave me the WiFi password.”
     Husband: “So, it was love at first site!”
133. What is the secret to a long and happy marriage? Remembering your anniversary but forgetting how many years you’ve been married.
134. Why did the husband buy his wife a new vacuum cleaner? Because he wanted to sweep her off her feet all over again.
135. Why did the husband bring a map to their romantic getaway? Because he didn’t want to get lost in her eyes.
136. Why did the wife bring a fishing rod to their picnic? She wanted to catch her husband’s attention.
137. How do husbands and wives stay cool during an argument? They use their “marital fans” to blow off steam.
138. Why did the husband give his wife a watermelon? Because he wanted to say, “You’re one in a melon!”
139. Why did the wife bring a magnifying glass to bed? She wanted to get a closer look at her husband’s love.
140. What did the husband say when his wife asked if he’d still love her when they’re old and gray? “I’ve loved you through all your hair colors; gray will just be another adventure!”
141. Why did the husband bring a fire extinguisher to their romantic dinner? Because things were getting too hot to handle!
142. What did the wife say when her husband asked if she believed in soulmates? “Of course, dear, you’re my sole mate.”
143. Why did the husband bring a shovel to their date night? Because he wanted to dig deeper into their love.
144. What’s a husband’s favorite kind of movie? A romantic comedy, as long as there’s a remote nearby.
145. Wife: “I love you.”
     Husband: “Is that you talking or the wine?”
     Wife: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
146. What would you call it if a clown delivers flowers to his wife? A romantic jester.
147. Why did the wife bring a thermos to their picnic? Because she wanted to keep the passion in their relationship hot.
148. What did the husband say when his wife asked if he’d still love her if she forgot their anniversary? “Of course, dear, I’ll just remind you every day until you remember!”

Husband Wife Fight Jokes

Image: IStock

149. My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
150. When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple ‘calm down’ in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.
151. Marital counselor: So, what brings you here today?
     Woman: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.
     Husband: My truck.
152. My spouse calls me crazy, but who’s the one who married me? Who’s the crazy one now?
153. I thought my wife was joking when she said she was going to leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a believer,” but then I saw her face.
154. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She embraced me.
155. One easy step to lose an argument with a wife — Argue.
156. After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”
157. Wife: “Undress me using your words only. I dare you.”
     Husband: “There’s a huge spider on your bra.”
158. I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.
159. Wife: “You know what? I refuse to talk about this anymore!” Wife ten seconds later: “And you know what else?”
160. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
161. Arguing with your husband is fun. Even if he wins, he loses.
162. My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status, “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.
163. I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
164. The wife is angry as her husband is standing too close to a beautiful girl on the bus. A few seconds later, the girl slaps him for pinching.
     Husband to wife: “I swear I didn’t do it.”
     Wife: “I know. I did it.”
165. Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
166. A man comes home and sees a note from his wife on the fridge. She wrote, “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, “What the hell? The fridge is working fine!”
167. Husband (angrily): Why did it take so long for you to answer my call?
     Wife (irritated): I was dancing on the ringtone.
168. After ten years of marriage, my wife apologized for the first time in front of me today. She said she was sorry she married me.
169. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.
170. My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!” I replied, “That’s 15 love!”
171. Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way, she can’t hit me with them.
172. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
173. Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch, all I want to know is what I did wrong.
174. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.
175. Why did the husband bring a ladder to the argument? He wanted to reach a compromise!
176. Arguing with your spouse is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use. In the end, you just give up and go “I agree.”
177. Why did the wife bring a GPS to the fight? She wanted to navigate her husband’s excuses!
178. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller
179. What’s a husband’s secret weapon during a fight? The ability to say, “Yes, dear.”
180. The entire 15 years my wife and I have been married we only had one fight and it’s still not over.
181. What do you call a husband who can’t remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary? Single!
182. Wife: “I was a fool when I married you.”
     Husband: “Yes, honey, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
183. My wife and I fought over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So, our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week. You know, “roll reversal.”
184. Whenever my wife and I fight, I watch my wedding video in reverse. I take the wedding band off her finger, hand her back to her dad, and walk out of the chapel with my best mate.
185. Why did the wife bring a magnifying glass to the argument? To find her husband’s listening skills!
186. What’s a husband’s strategy during an argument? Nod and hope for the best!
187. How do you make a wife happy after a fight? Apologize and admit she was right all along!
188. Why did the wife cross the road during an argument with her husband? To get to the other side of the point!
189. I was fighting with my wife over the dining room furniture arrangement. I thought I had won, but the tables were turned when I got home from work.
190. What do you call a wife who always wins at chess? The queen of compromise!
191. How do you know when a husband is in trouble during a fight? He starts offering to do chores!
192. Why did the wife bring a scoreboard to the argument? To keep track of how many times she was right!
193. What’s a husband’s favorite board game during an argument? Sorry!
194. Why don’t husbands play hide and seek during arguments? Because they always end up hiding in the doghouse!
195. How do you make a husband listen during an argument? Start the sentence with “I heard this on a podcast…”
196. Why did the husband bring a stopwatch to the argument? He wanted to see how long it would take for him to say something wrong!
197. What’s a husband’s favorite dance move during an argument? The sidestep!
198. My dentist friend just divorced his wife, who is a manicurist. All they did was fight tooth and nail.
199. How do you settle a disagreement about which TV show to watch? Rock, paper, scissors, remote control!
200. What’s a husband’s favorite kind of pizza during an argument? “Pepper-own-y”!
201. Why don’t wives ever tell their husbands the password to the Wi-Fi during a fight? Because love is blind, but the Wi-Fi shouldn’t be!
202. What do you call a wife who always remembers the past mistakes? A historian!
203. How do you know a husband is about to apologize? He starts speaking in cursive!
204. My wife says I have two faults. I have a bad memory, and something else.”
205. Why did the wife bring a camera to the fight? She wanted to capture the moment when she proved her point!
206. What’s a wife’s favorite dessert during an argument? A humble pie!
207. After 60 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma “darling”, “sweetie”, “honey”, and “baby”. I asked him for the secret to keep love alive for so long. He said “I forgot her name 10 years ago, and I’m afraid to ask.”
208. Why don’t husbands play cards during arguments? Because they can’t deal with the pressure!
209. What do you call a husband who can’t find his socks during a fight? Sock-sessful!
210. Why did the wife bring a telescope to the argument? She wanted to see her husband’s point of view from a distance!
211. What’s a husband’s favorite superhero during an argument? Captain Obvious!
212. Why did the husband bring a phone charger to the fight? To recharge the conversation!
213. What’s a husband’s favorite book during an argument? “The Art of Listening” (which he never reads)!
214. Why did the wife bring a bell to the fight? She wanted to ring in the changes!
215. Why don’t husbands ever win at poker during arguments? Because wives can read their “bluffing” faces!
216. What’s a wife’s favorite outdoor activity during an argument? Lawn-scaping!
217. What do you call a wife who can’t stop talking during an argument? Verbose-ive!
218. Why did the wife bring a mirror to the argument? So the husband could see who’s always right!
219. What’s a husband’s favorite board game during an argument? “Trouble,” because he’s always in it!
220. How do you make a wife laugh after a fight? Tell her a joke about husbands!
221. My partner and I bought a water bed recently. Since then, we’ve drifted apart
222. Knock, knock!
     Who’s there?
     Lettuce
     Lettuce who?
     Lettuce get married!

Husband Wife Honeymoon Jokes

Image: IStock

223. A man goes on his honeymoon on his new yacht.
     Husband (raising his glass: ”Here’s to happiness together.”
     Wife: “And to our new Yakt.”
     Husband: “The C is silent, honey.”
     Wife (staring into the horizon): ”Yes, it’s lovely this time of year.”
224. Why did you go to Egypt for your honeymoon? To make the wife a mummy.
225. Recipe for honeymoon salad: Lettuce alone without dressing.
226. Why couldn’t the married couple wait for their honeymoon on Alderaan? It was gonna be a blast.
227. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan. When they returned, it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.
228. Honeymooning on a cruise ship is great. You can finally say you’re “sailing” into married life.
229. What’s a honeymoon without a bit of adventure? It’s the perfect time to “take the plunge.”
230. What were the two bees doing on the moon? They had their honeymoon.
231. Honeymooning in a remote cabin? Don’t worry; it’s just a test of your survival skills as a couple.
232. The best part of a beach honeymoon? The only thing you have to worry about is getting sand everywhere!
233. Did you hear about the couple who went on a honeymoon to a bakery? They wanted to prove that love is a piece of cake!
234. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
235. Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first, it’s a perfect fit, but after a while, you need alterations.
236. When a couple gets married, why is it that the woman changes her name? Because men can’t handle that much planning.
237. What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
238. Husband: “I booked us the honeymoon suite, darling!”
     Wife: “Oh, that’s sweet. What’s so special about it?”
     Husband: “Well, it comes with a talking parrot.”
     Wife: “A talking parrot? How romantic!”
     Parrot (from the corner): “Are you two really sure you want to spend the rest of your lives together?”
239. Our honeymoon destination was so remote that even the mosquitoes had to take a connecting flight!
240. Why do honeymooners make great detectives? Because they always follow the honeymoon trail!
241. What do you call a honeymoon in space? A “stellar” union!
242. What do you call a honeymoon in a tent? In-tents-ly romantic!
243. Our honeymoon was at a beach resort, and I realized I had two true loves: my spouse and sunscreen.
244. My wife and I promised to disconnect from our devices on our honeymoon. It was the longest 15 minutes of our lives!
245. We wanted a beach honeymoon, but the weather had other plans. It rained so much that we renamed it ‘Monsoon-ymoon!
246. We got lost so many times during our honeymoon that we considered getting matching GPS coordinates as tattoos.
247. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon. The captain kept saying, ‘Love is in the air,’ but I think he meant ‘on the sea.’
248. My wife and I got lost on our honeymoon so many times that we ended up making a ‘Lost & Found’ map as a souvenir!
249. Wife: “I’m leaving you.”
     Husband in a rush: “I’m with you !!!”

Newly Married Husband Wife Jokes

251. On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”
252. An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.
253. Husband: “How about you go brew us some coffee?”
     Wife: “That’s your job.”
     Husband: “Says who?”
     Wife: “The Bible. It’s on just about every page.”
     Husband: “The Bible doesn’t say anything about brewing coffee.”
     Wife (Holding her Bible, and flipping the pages): “See every page says Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
254. A couple of newlyweds were driving down the countryside. After some time, they noticed a couple of pigs resting in a field nearby. The wife said, “Look, honey, your family! Haha”. The husband replied: “Oh my, yeah, those are my in-laws.”
255. What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse?
     Getting off on the wrong foot.
256. Woman: My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
     Friend: What is his name?
     Woman: Frankenstein
257. A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon cruise, and they’re unpacking their bags. The husband complains that all his clothes are wrinkled and that there’s no ironing board in the cabin. The wife replies: “Don’t worry. Everyone here’s in the same boat.”
258. A pair of newlyweds are having marriage problems. They decide to meet with the Rabbi to prevent the termination of their very short relationship. The Rabbi asks the husband, “What has brought you to the point where you are not able to keep this marriage together?” The husband says, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.””Seven weeks,” the wife says.
259. Only after getting married, you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
260. A newlywed couple was taking to their new home.
     Husband says, “How about some flowers?”
     The wife slyly mentions, “Or kids to help liven the place.”
     The husband smiles and replies, “Good idea!”
     The next day, the husband brings home orchids.
261. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
262. Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.
263. Wife: Had your Lunch??
     Husband: Had your Lunch??
     Wife: I am asking you??
     Husband: I am asking you??
     Wife: You copying me??
     Husband: You copying me??
     Wife: Let’s go Shopping.
     Husband: I had my Lunch.
264. Women marry because they believe that he’ll change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken.
265. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
266. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned.
267. Today’s wedding is a love match, pure and simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.
268. On the groom’s first date with the bride, he thought he’d make an impression and promised her a seven-course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six-pack!
269. The bride deserves a wonderful, successful, loving husband. Too bad the groom married her before she found one.
270. That awkward moment when you realize that marital vows have robbed you of your right to a fair share of blanket.
271. Marriage is like the army. Everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at how many re-enlist.
272. Man: “I wear the pants in the relationship.”
     Woman: “I’m the belt that holds the pants up!”
273. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner
274. Why did the wife refuse to play hide and seek with her husband? Because good luck hiding when he leaves a trail of dirty socks!
275. How do you know when a wife is about to say something important? When she starts with, “My mother told me…”
276. Why does a marriage proposal always sound good? Because it’s got a nice ring to it.
277. What do you call a husband who does the laundry without being asked? An illusion.
278. “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” — Frank Sinatra
279. Why did the wife buy her husband a map for their anniversary? Because he still can’t find the grocery store after ten years of marriage!
280. Why did the husband bring a ladder to the store? Because he heard the prices were through the roof!
281. What’s a wife’s secret weapon for getting her husband to do chores? Pretending she can’t lift heavy objects.
282. Why did the husband surprise his wife with a trip to the beach? Because he heard relationships are all about the ebb and flow.
283. What’s a husband’s idea of helping with the cooking? Supervising the barbecue while holding a cold beverage.
284. How do you keep the romance alive in a marriage? Add a “Do Not Disturb” sign to your laundry room door.
285. Why did the wife bring a magnifying glass to bed? To find her husband’s lost sense of direction.
286. What’s the wife’s secret for a peaceful marriage? Lowering her husband’s expectations one meal at a time.
287. Any husband who says. ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. — Bill Cosby
288. One spelling mistake can ruin your marriage. I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a great time. I wish you were her.”
289. Why were the melons forced into a traditional marriage? Because they canteloupe!
290. Two nuclear technicians got married. The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.
291. “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” — Toni Sciarra Poynter

A loud laugh is good but only if it is not at the expense of others, especially your spouse. The jokes are intended to make the couples laugh together and not at each other. Therefore, use them based on your partner’s level of sense of humor. Having said that, a laugh a day can keep problems in a marriage away. Don’t believe us? Read on.

Benefits Of Humor In A Marriage

One of the key elements of a happy marriage is good humor. The following are some ways in which humor can contribute to a happy long-term relationship.

• Reduces stress: Humor can improve the body’s systems by reducing stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine and boosting the mesolimbic dopamine system, the brain’s reward system that makes one feel good (1).
• Helps assess feelings: Research indicates that women value a partner’s ability to be funny, while men value a partner who enjoys their humor. In long-term relationships, both men and women value humor, as it helps them show interest and assess their partner’s feelings (2).
• Strengthens bond: Research indicates that laughter is contagious because of the mirror neuron system, which is also linked to yawning and empathy. This system helps people feel connected on a deeper level. Hence, shared laughter may create a sense of unity between individuals (3).

Infographic: Husband-Wife Jokes

There could hardly be any husband-wife relationship without little arguments or squabbles. So, whether you have fought with your spouse or want to share some hysterical lines on this relationship, we bring some jokes in this infographic to share some giggles and laughter.

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Illustration: Funniest Husband And Wife Jokes That Are A Laugh Riot

Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team

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Ratika PaiM.Com

Ratika holds a master's degree in commerce and a post-graduate diploma in communication and journalism from Mumbai University. She has 6 years of experience writing in various fields, such as finance, education, and lifestyle.

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Shikha ThakurMBA

Shikha is a writer-turned-editor at MomJunction, with over seven years of experience in the field of content. Having done a certification in Relationship Coaching, her core interest lies in writing articles that guide couples through their courtship to marriage and parenthood.

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Apoorva KMSc (Counseling Psychology)

Apoorva is a certified psychological counselor and NLP practitioner. The assistant professor-turned-writer believes that her experience as a teacher, psychologist, and researcher enables her to guide MomJunction readers on child development and mental health.

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