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Conflicts are a part of a marital relationship. However, if the disagreements seem to worsen over time instead of healing, it’s good to show combined commitment to seeing a professional marriage counselor before it’s too late and leads to a divorce. You might have to answer some tricky and bitter marriage counseling questions, so it is better to be open about your thoughts and respect your SO’s thoughts and values. Your counselor will try to reach the source of problems and find solutions. In addition, they may instruct you and your spouse to ask questions to each other. These counseling sessions could be tough, and you may miss out on important points or fail to express yourself properly. Hence, we bring this post to provide you with a list of questions that you may ask your spouse to have an effective conversation during your sessions with the counselor.
50+ Marriage Counseling Questions
1. What are the main issues in our marriage?
Ask your partner
what they consider are the main issues in your relationship and reveal yours too. Accept the fact that what might seem to be a problem to them might seem insignificant to you and vice versa. For instance, yours may be finances, while theirs may be personal habits, lack of support, and family, in-law, or parenting issues.
2. What are the most pressing problems in our marriage?
Now that you know what concerns each of you, try to identify the problems that you think would need immediate attention. Do not rebuff each other’s points but try to discuss and work at finding solutions to those problems. Your counselor could help you identify those.
3. How and when did the problems start?
Was it that time when you did something without consulting them or was it when they went out with someone, provoking jealousy in the other? Identifying the main cause of a problem can help you arrive at solutions.
4. Is this just a bad phase in our marriage?
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All relationships have their own share of ups and downs. Weigh the problems you are facing and reason if this is just a bad phase or if the problem has gone out of hand. Deal with the problem before going out of hand. Increasing tension regarding that particular issue may exacerbate the problem and accumulate additional ones.
5. What made you seek/ accept professional help?
Ask them why they sought counseling. How they expect the problem(s) to be resolved or managed. If both of you have sought counseling because you still desire to be with each other and want to save your marriage, you might be on the right track.
6. What are the things that you love about me?
Marriage counseling sessions do not have to revolve around just the negative things. Let your spouse know why you fell in love with them and highlight their positive traits that call for your affection. Also, ask them what they love about you. This could boost your confidence, and you could approach the sessions optimistically.
7. What are the things that you can’t stand about me?
Asking each other this question can help you understand each other better. If you are ready to set those things right and find ways to compensate for them and your partner reciprocates too, you may be in for something positive. After all, every relationship requires a certain amount of give-and-take.
Do remember8. Are there past conflicts that we need to resolve?
Is a past conflict that hasn’t been resolved holding you both back? Identify and resolve those conflicts because they will continue to pop up in your future arguments too. Open up to each other without being judgemental and remind each other that you can only truly move on if you hold no grudges.
9. How Do We Deal With Difficult Relatives?
Marriages represent more than just the coming together of two people. They bring two very different families into close contact, which can cause issues due to differences of opinion. The interference of relatives in marriage, especially during the early phase when you are just settling down, can negatively impact your marriage. Thus, you may ask your spouse this question in case the root of your marriage problems is the gaslighting done by your relatives. Remember, it does not matter whether they are relatives from your side or your spouse’s side. Be fair and honest in your replies and resolutions.
10. Do I fulfill your physical needs?
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See if there is a difference in sexual desire between the two of you. The lack of sexual intimacy could be one of the main problems in your relationship. Ask your partner if they are satisfied sexually. Intimacy includes frequent kissing, holding of hands, cuddling, caressing, etc., and not just sex.
11. Are you seeing someone?
You may not have had the courage to ask your partner if they have been cheating on you. So, the best time to ask them about it is during a counseling session. Listening to what they have to say without letting anger get the better of you should be your priority.
12. Do you trust me?
Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Ask your spouse if they feel secure being around you, confiding in you, and communicating freely with you, and ask yourself if you feel the same. If the answer is no, then you may have to settle your differences with the help of your counselor.
13. What should I do to regain your trust?
Ask your spouse what specific things you could do to regain their trust and work on those. If you have broken their trust, acknowledge your mistake and ask forgiveness, and most importantly, learn to forgive yourself. Also, ensure you give each other time to process your feelings.
14. Are we communicating enough?
Ask your spouse if they are able to communicate honestly and openly with you. Are you able to tell each other about your needs, wants, and expectations? Are you able to discuss your issues calmly? And do you listen to each other? If not, you need to work on improving your communication.
15. Do I stress you out?
Ask your partner if certain habits of yours are stressing them out and if you are difficult to deal with. Identify the underlying causes that are leading to their stress. Try to communicate openly, ask them what you could do to alleviate their stress, and let them know what stresses you.
Point to consider16. Do you think there’s an intimacy between us?
Ask them if they are able to connect with you emotionally and physically and express their thoughts and feelings with you without inhibition. Find out what you could do to regain the intimacy that you shared in the early phases of your relationship.
17. How do you feel about me on a daily basis?
Asking this question to your partner can help you know if they enjoy your company and are excited about you. Also, ask them if the thought of you brings a smile on their face. If the answer is no, you may have to ask yourself a few questions and find ways to bring the spark back.
18. Do you feel loved?
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Ask your partner if they feel cared for and loved and if you are doing enough to meet their needs. Also, ask them what they expect from you to feel more loved. You and your partner could even come up with a list of the things that make you feel special.
19. Is the relationship impacting your self-esteem?
Ask your partner if any act of yours is affecting their self-worth and self-esteem both at home and socially. Also, assess if their actions are affecting your self-worth. Take help from your counselor and see if you can arrive at solutions to help each other feel worthy and loved.
20. Are we willing to compromise?
Look at your marriage and see if there have been times when one of you had to make all the sacrifices to make the other person happy. If yes, you may have to discuss your boundaries and set common goals. As a couple, you need to find the middle ground on different issues to make the marriage work.
21. Are we holding each other back?
Do you keep each other’s interest in mind while making important decisions? Do you allow each other to pursue your own hobbies and dreams? Do you give each other space to do your own things? Do you complement each other and help each other grow? These are some questions that you need to ask each other.
22. Are you willing to change?
No amount of counseling will help save your relationship if you are not willing to change and make adjustments to keep the relationship alive. Ask your partner where they stand with regard to making adjustments and resolving any issue that is causing conflict in your relationship.
23. What can I do to make our relationship better?
Marriage is a two-way street in which each partner needs to put in continuous effort to keep the spark alive. Asking this question indicates to your partner that you are ready to take steps to salvage your marriage. It also shows that you are not putting all the blame onto your partner.
24. What Are Your Top Priorities In The Relationship?
By asking this question, couples can openly know about their priorities in the relationship. One partner might prioritize emotional connection and support, while the other might prioritize financial stability or shared goals. The understanding of mutual priorities will foster empathy and support.
25. Is our marriage what you pictured it to be?
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Ask your partner if they are happy with how things have moved in the marriage. Ask them if you have added to their happiness and made them a better person. And, ask if the relationship is what they had first pictured it to be. These questions will let you know if you are adding any value to your partner’s life.
26. What makes you happy about our marriage?
Ask your partner about the things that make them truly happy. This could help you identify your partner’s definition of happiness—it could be contentment, loyalty, intimacy, laughter, etc. This question will also let you know if you have been ignoring those things that matter most to your partner.
27. Do you still have feelings for me?
As anxious as it may seem, asking this question to your partner can help you know if the relationship is worth fighting for. Ask for honest answers, and let your partner know if you still have feelings for them. Their answers could let you know if they are ready to fight through adversity.
28. Where do you see our relationship in 5–10 years?
Have discussions regarding your future. Ask them how they view your future together as a couple. If you feel you are in their plans, then it indicates that they still have feelings for you. Discussing your future can help both of you set goals and work at accomplishing them.
29. What roles do you see us playing in our marriage?
A supportive and understanding partner is crucial for a long-lasting marriage. So, consider asking this question to them to comprehend what role they think you play in their life.
30. What are your expectations regarding domestic duties?
Partners should understand that maintaining a strong marriage requires shared responsibilities. Sharing household tasks helps balance chores and create a stable work-life equilibrium.
31. What is your opinion on balancing work and family duties?
Balancing domestic and family responsibilities can prevent conflicts in marriage. Setting a balance and ensuring that both partners contribute equally can also help establish mutual respect and understanding.
32. What do you think of our financial situation and management?
Financial stability is one of the backbones of a successful marriage. It is essential to have open discussions regarding your financial situation and management techniques to ensure a stable future and prevent finance-related conflicts and misunderstandings.
33. What are our limits in terms of privacy?
Respecting your partner’s privacy enhances your relationship. A couple should establish a comfortable environment for both individuals by openly discussing and comprehending each other’s boundaries and providing enough personal space for the other to feel secure.
34. What do you think about the time we spend together?
One must ensure a balance of togetherness and individuality in a relationship. Spending ample quality time while respecting personal space fosters closeness and provides emotional and mental stability. Both you and your partner should allocate time equally to nurture the relationship.
35. What do you think about our social lives?
A shared social life enhances personal and social relationships. Try engaging in social activities with your partner to spend time with them; you may also mutually discuss these social engagements besides being involved in fun activities together. Counseling sessions can also help you navigate and balance personal and social lives.
36. What impression do you have of our emotional connection?
The foundation of a long-lasting relationship is a strong emotional bond. Couples with strong emotional bonding share cherished memories, which enhance their attachment and help them understand one another. Putting forth this query could give you more clarity about your bond with your partner.
37. What are your opinions on parenting approaches, if any?
Parenting is a shared responsibility based on trust and cooperation. By exchanging parenting ideas, partners can ensure that they use a similar strategy to raise their kids, promoting harmony within the family.
38. What do you think of our techniques for resolving disputes?
Every relationship has its fair share of disputes. However, it is critical how we resolve them successfully. This query might give you an insight into whether you are fixing a conflict constructively based on mutual respect and understanding or whether it brushes away some concerns.
39. What Are Your Thoughts And Plans Regarding Having Children?
The thoughts and plans of having children is of paramount importance in marriage counseling. Exploring this topic allows you to understand each other’s perspective on parenthood and fosters a sense of a supportive environment for future decisions.
40. What long-term objectives do you have for our relationship?
Talking about your future goals helps you align your desires as a couple. This question will thus enable you to understand if you and your partner share similar life objectives while highlighting any differences.
41. What do you think of our affection for one another?
Understanding your partner’s adoration and warmth can go a long way in fostering a deep, affectionate relationship. After discussing this element, couples may rekindle their romance by showing adequate affection for one another.
42. Do you still have any unanswered questions regarding our past?
Clearing up old issues ensures a bright future without any hiccups. Address the unanswered queries or worries to facilitate transparency and help gain trust and confidence in each other.
43. What do you think of our regard for one another?
Respect plays a vital role in the longevity and flourishing of a relationship. As a result, it’s important for both you and your partner to demonstrate mutual respect, even in the face of differing opinions and conflicts. This approach sets the foundation for a steady, prosperous, and affectionate relationship.
44. What do you think of our mutual interests and pastimes?
By discussing shared interests, couples can make sure they spend time doing things that make them happy and help them connect with their other half intimately.
45. What do you think of our spiritual or religious practices and beliefs?
Spiritually aligned partners tend to share a common perspective on many things. But sometimes, differing religious practices may cause issues between a couple. With this query, you may learn if the root cause of problems in your relationship stems from your varying religious beliefs.
46. What do you think of our family dynamics and interactions with in-laws?
Sharing a positive association with the family promotes understanding and creates a positive atmosphere for family gatherings, but the diverse nature of family dynamics could sometimes affect a marital bond. Discuss with your partner if they have any conflicting issues with your family and collaboratively devise a solution that suits you both in the long term.
47. What do you think of our short-term plans for the near future?
Planning for the immediate future is vital for a thriving relationship with your partner. Whether it is the mutual decision regarding purchasing a new vehicle or planning a healthy lifestyle routine for the next few months, partners must stay in the same loop to know that their goals are very much aligned.
48. Do you want me to change any specific behavior that bothers you?
Discuss with your partner if they have any discomforting outlook towards your behaviors. What may initially seem petty might infest a serious cause for anger or resentment within the relationship due to habitual annoying behavior.
49. What do you think of our joint obligations and decision-making?
Making a joint decision with your partner ensures their opinions are respected and valued. Also, by considering shared responsibilities, one can make decisions that benefit the partners and their relationship in the long run. Ask them this question to know if your partner considers your suggestions and inputs equally important.
50. What do you think about supporting each other’s goals and personal development?
Cooperation promotes growth and development in a relationship. One must uplift and support the partner as it builds the foundation of trust, love, respect, and reliability in a relationship. If you sense that your partner is uncertain about your life goals and ambitions, posing this question can help alleviate your concerns.
51. What do you think about security and trust in our relationship?
A relationship’s strength relies on the trust shared by the couple. Therefore, it’s crucial to contemplate and focus on aspects that enhance your relationship by building trust, which is evident through words and actions. Posing this question can help understand if your spouse truly has confidence in you and feels a sense of security within the relationship.
52. Do outside factors or demands have an impact on our relationship?
Sometimes, external factors can influence dynamics within a relationship.Therefore, it is important to maintain open communication with your partner and confront any challenges together. Identifying external factors potentially challenging your relationship can help avoid undesirable situations.
53. What do you think of the way we respond to pressures or challenges?
Life consists of constant pressure and challenges; resilience is the key to addressing them. While it may seem overwhelming, it is necessary to cultivate mutual support and understanding as you develop a plan to overcome life’s hurdles as a couple. Therefore, it is essential to determine whether both you and your partner can navigate such pressures without putting a strain on your relationship.
54. What do you think of our shared beliefs and ideas?
Shared values bring people together, leading to an intimate connection between partners. With this question, you can uncover the concepts and beliefs that either make your relationship tick or cause a wider split.
55. What impression do you have of our dedication to the relationship?
While initial spark and chemistry are essential in developing a budding relationship, it also requires constant dedication to ensure longevity. Approaching the couples therapy session indicates a waning dedication toward your relationship; hence, it is crucial to focus on your relationship on a priority basis and sort out if there have been any issues of late.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Is marriage counseling important?
You may consider marriage counseling with your spouse when you feel negative emotions, argue frequently, there is a lack of love in your relationship, or when you are serious about sticking to your partner. Counseling can help you communicate effectively, comprehend the issues in your marriage from a broader perspective, and help make the most suitable and practical decision amicably.
2. How many marriages survive after counseling?
Unlike the olden days, the new approaches and methodologies used by counselors are effective in helping a couple with marital issues. In addition, according to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, most couples (about 98%) who visited therapy found it beneficial (1).
3. What not to say during couples counseling?
During couples counseling, it is important to refrain from using disrespectful or offensive language, engaging in personal attacks, becoming defensive, or emotionally withdrawing. Additionally, it is essential to allow both partners equal opportunity to express themselves without interruption or dominating the conversation.
5. How honest should you be in couples therapy?
Being truthful and open in couples therapy is essential. It involves openly expressing thoughts, emotions, and concerns without holding back vital information. This fosters a safe and trusting environment, allowing the therapist to provide appropriate guidance and support for the couple’s needs.
6. When should couples stop counseling?
Couples may discontinue counseling when they have substantially improved their relationship, successfully resolved the issues that led them to seek counseling, feel self-assured to sustain positive changes and engage in effective communication without ongoing professional support.
7. How long does marriage counseling usually last?
The duration of marriage counseling varies depending on the complexity of the issues and the progress made by the couple. It can span from a few weeks to several months or longer as the therapist and couple collaboratively determine the most suitable duration for their needs.
8. What should I look for in a marriage counselor?
When seeking a marriage counselor, it is essential to assess their qualifications, including training and certifications in couples therapy. Find a counselor with experience working with couples and specializing in relationship issues. Look for someone unbiased and capable of fostering a supportive and non-judgmental environment for both partners to communicate openly.
9. How confidential is marriage counseling?
Maintaining confidentiality is an essential principle in marriage counseling. Counselors adhere to ethical guidelines that ensure all information shared during sessions remains confidential. This includes personal concerns, discussions, and any sensitive details disclosed by either partner, which will not be disclosed to others without explicit consent (2).
10. How can I get my partner to agree to go to marriage counseling?
To convince your partner to marriage counseling, initiate an open and sincere conversation about your feelings and aspirations for a better relationship. Validate their emotions, listen to their viewpoints, and empathize with their concerns. Propose attending the session to explore how counseling can positively impact your relationship.
The marriage therapy and counseling questions listed above might not suit all sorts of marital conflicts. Hence, you and your partner can select the questions better. Also, since you and your partner would be participating in this experiment in front of a counselor, they would be able to guide you well. These questions are a way to help you and your partner open up and explore the cause of conflicts between you too. Although you may feel challenged to pose these questions initially, once you start to hear the other side of the story, you may feel comfortable.
Infographic: How To Suggest A Marriage Counseling Session To Your Spouse
When it comes to marriage counseling, it may be challenging to get your spouse to agree to it since they often take it as you blaming them and wanting them to get help. But at this point, the help of a professional is necessary to bring the love back. So take notes from this infographic and keep it handy for tips to get your spouse to agree to a counseling session. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Key Pointers
- To pinpoint areas of concern, ask each other about the main issues in the marriage.
- Ask questions, discuss, and set mutual goals for the relationship’s future.
- Ask them why they sought counseling and what they hope to achieve.
- Discuss willingness to compromise, make adjustments, and support each other’s personal development to improve the relationship.
- Questions about personal habits, communication, and supportiveness encourage individuals to consider how they contribute to the marriage.
Illustration: Marriage Counseling Questions to Ask Your Partner
Image: Dall·E/MomJunction Design Team
Seeking guidance before choosing the right marriage counselor? Watch this gripping video by Paul Friedman to learn the important questions to ask when selecting your marriage counselor.
References
- What is Marriage and Family Therapy?
https://www.aamft.org/About_AAMFT/About_Marriage_and_Family_Therapists.aspx - Disclosure of Fidelity Secrets in a Therapeutic Setting
https://scholarworks.wm.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1006&context=wmer
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