Polyamorous Relationship: Rules, Types, And How It Works

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A polyamorous relationship is one in which the two romantic partners give each other the flexibility to get intimate with other people even while committing to each other. To make such a relationship work, the partners need to follow certain polyamorous relationship rules. Establishing set boundaries and fostering open communication are essential in polyamorous dynamics, as they promote trust, honesty, transparency, and understanding among all parties involved. These elements play a critical role in navigating the complexities that come with multiple romantic connections. Also, it ensures that feelings such as jealousy and insecurity do not creep in. Read this post to learn the details of a polyamorous relationship, its types, and how it works.

What Is A Polyamory Relationship?

The word ‘polyamory’ is an amalgamation of the Greek word ‘poly’ referring to many and the Latin word ‘amor,’ which means love. Put together, the word polyamory means multiple love. In a polyamory relationship, a couple mutually decides to get involved with other people romantically (1).

Polyamory is a type of ethical non-monogamy relationship where the partners involved have numerous romantic or sexual relationships but only with the express consent of all members. Contrary to common belief, polyamory is not the same as an open relationship, despite both being forms of ethical non-monogamy. 

In an ‘open relationship,’ both partners know each other’s affairs and consent to it. Here, love or a romantic attachment is reserved for only one’s primary partner, while they can have sexual relationships with other people (2). However, in polyamory, an individual has romantic and sexual relationships with more than one person.Although the idea of a polyamorous relationship may seem novel to some, national surveys in the US and Canada have revealed that it isn’t uncommon. A study of 3,438 adults in the US found that “1 out of 6 people (16.8%) desire to engage in polyamory, and 1 out of 9 people (10.7%) have engaged in polyamory at some point during their life. Approximately 1 out of 15 people (6.5%) reported that they knew someone who has been or is currently engaged in polyamory. Among participants who were not personally interested in polyamory, 1 out of 7 (14.2%) indicated that they respect people who engage in polyamory (3).”

Point to consider

Maintaining polyamorous relationships can be tricky as romantic relations often involve people’s emotions. The more people involved in such a setup, the more chances of conflicts arising out of emotional attachment can cause distress and destroy genuine relationships.

Types Of Polyamorous Relationships

There are different polyamorous relationships depending on the number of people involved and the nature of the relationship.

1. Vee

Resembling the shape of the letter ‘V,’ in this type of polyamorous relationship, one person dates two people who are not involved with each other.

2. Triad

In a triad, there are three people involved sexually in a relationship. For instance, a male-female couple can be involved with a male or female.

3. Quad

Here there are four people involved sexually with each other. For instance, if two couples get involved with each other, they become a quad.

4. Hierarchical polyamory

Also known as ‘one primary plus,’ one relationship is the primary focus of the two partners, while the other relationship will be secondary. For instance, a married couple lives together, shares finances, and makes joint decisions. Their open marriage will be their priority, and they can also see people outside their marriage.

5. Non-hierarchical polyamory

In this, partners do not prioritize a single relationship. Those involved are more concerned with their needs being fulfilled by the setup they are in. They all get an equal say in the relationship and also make decisions.

6. Kitchen table polyamory

This type of polyamory relationship involves hanging out with each other, which may or may not be romantic. Not all partners may be sexually involved, but they are comfortable enough to enjoy spending time together, much like hanging out at the kitchen table, hence the name kitchen table polyamory.

7. Parallel polyamory

This is the opposite of kitchen table polyamory, where the people involved are not friendly with each other. For instance, Allen is married to Margaret, who is involved with Jamie. Allen and Jamie are aware of each other but do not interact. They are only concerned with their relationship with Margaret.

8. Solo-polyamory

Here a person has autonomy and has no priority except themselves. They are involved with several partners and do not have any priority relationship. This person has ‘no-strings attached’ relations and is only concerned with having their needs met, and is not interested in a serious relationship.

9. Polyfidelity

In this type of polyamorous relationship, a closed group of people are sexually or romantically involved with one another. They do not prioritize any particular person but are exclusively attracted to the group. It is similar to monogamous relationships- people involved are committed, but to more than one person (4).

10. Swinging

This type of setup is not considered polyamory but adjacent to it. It involves multiple couples who have sexual relationships with one another, mostly casually or recreationally. They do not form committed relationships or romantic attachments with one another. It is not considered cheating as the consent of each individual is mandatory (4).

11. Mono-poly relationship

In this relationship, one partner follows monogamy and is loyal to the primary relationship, while the other partner follows a polyamorous relationship and is involved with other partners. This is not cheating because it happens with mutual consent.

12. Polyamorous families

In a polyamorous family, an arrangement is made wherein children are raised in a multi-parent household. It involves multiple sets of parents forming a supportive and encouraging network for all their children while sharing parental responsibilities. These parents, of course, are all romantically involved (4).

Point to consider

A polyamorous relationship gets complicated when children are involved. If they are attached to their parents, a breakup would hurt them and even confuse love, attachment, and marriage.

How Do Polyamorous Relationships Work?

A polyamorous relationship is neither common nor a new concept. Non-monogamy has been prevalent in the US since the 1800s when the Mormons maintained multiple partner relationships (5).

Polyamorous relationships are mostly adopted by people who choose not to stay loyal to one partner and do not wish to hurt them by cheating. It can work for people in long-distance relationships or those who have to travel frequently for work.

What works for a polyamorous relationship is honest and clear communication between two partners. Such a setup can be sustained only if there is openness and understanding between the couple. If both consent to it and are willing to respect each other’s privacy and not cross boundaries, then it can keep them happy.

However, maintaining relationships with multiple partners may not be easy, especially if you have a primary relationship, as there are chances of jealousy, insecurity, suspiciousness, and distrust eventually souring your relationship. You need patience, clear relationship rules, and the ability to compromise to carry on with such a relationship. Managing multiple relationships requires careful time management and emotional awareness. It is important to ensure that each partner feels valued and prioritized, which may involve balancing schedules and being sensitive to each other’s emotional needs.

For Natalia Loveleen, an author, her husband introduced the idea of polyamory in their relationship. Although her husband was clear about his love for her, she says, “I rationalized that the main reason polyamory didn’t work for me was the inability to balance the need for privacy in each relationship and the depth of a truly meaningful connection. I hate to admit this, but polyamory didn’t work for me, mainly because of jealousy (i).”

The success of a polyamory relationship depends entirely on the people involved and how much they are willing to support and trust each other.

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) can be a form of a polyamorous relationship. In CNM, an individual has multiple relationships, and everyone involved consents to the arrangement. A survey was conducted to understand CNM attitudes and behaviors in people. As the graph indicates, the vast majority of the respondents preferred monogamous relationships, with only a tiny percentage who showed a positive attitude towards CNM.

Consensual non-monogamy behaviors and attitudes

9 Most Important Polyamorous Relationship Rules To Follow

Even polyamorous relationships have rules and restrictions to follow. However, rules vary for couples. Here are some of the common rules observed by polyamorous couples.

1. Consent of partner

Acceptance by both partners is extremely important for a polyamorous relationship. Such a relationship cannot be successful without your partner’s consent and agreement. Your partner has to approve of this setup. Doing anything without their consent is considered cheating.

2. Be clear about what you want

Before experimenting with polyamory, you and your partner need to be clear about what you want from the relationship and how much you are willing to give. Are your other relations limited to only the physical aspect, or will it involve more? You and your partner have to be clear with your needs and expectations of the relationship. Negotiation of terms and rules should be allowed before agreeing to the relationship.

Lack of clear communication can lead to jealousy and insecurity, permanently damaging the relationship. Sharing about her first polyamorous relationship, British polyamory educator Leanne Yau says, “Turns out, unbeknownst to me, my partner had stopped short of having penetrative sex with all the girls he’d slept with, purely out of his own desire to “stay loyal” to me. His unspoken expectation was that I would have the decency to do the same, when in reality I had no such qualms or hesitations.

“Realising how much I had upset him, I quickly agreed to close the relationship back up in order for his wounds to heal. However, the damage had been done: my partner spiralled out from insecurity… Over the next few months, he became increasingly possessive and jealous…The last straw was when he threw a fit at me not contacting him for two hours because I was spending time with my family. I realised things had gone too far, and broke up with him on the spot (ii).”

3. Always use protection

When you maintain sexual relations with multiple partners, you put yourself and your partner at risk of STDs. It also risks unplanned pregnancy. Hence, using protection is an absolute must, no matter whom you are getting intimate with.

4. Establish clear boundaries

Having two or more partners can be a cause of jealousy for you and your partner. To avoid this, make it clear how much information you and your partner are interested in. You can give a code word to indicate your meeting with the other person. There is no need to get into details of your experience with the secondary partner as it can give rise to insecurity.

5. Pay attention to your partner

Getting involved with other people does not mean you can neglect your partner. Honoring and maintaining your relationship with your partner is also important. You must make time for them and make them feel loved as you would in a normal relationship, ensuring equality among all partners involved.

6. Keep distance from each other’s partners

There will be instances when you will be curious about who your partner is with. Even if you learn about them, it is best to refrain from judging them or passing any unwanted comments. Maintaining distance from your partner’s personal affairs is of utmost importance in a polyamory setup.

7. Do not force yourself to see someone else

You may be fine with your partner having other intimate partners, but that does not mean you must have your share of experiments with others too. Do not try to compete with your partner. If you do not want this for yourself, then stay away from it.

8. Have clear communication

If at any moment you are not comfortable or unhappy with the polyamorous relationship, you need to convey the same to your partner. Ensure that communication between your partner and you is open and honest. There should be no hesitation when expressing your feelings for each other.

9. Do not take things personally

You may have consented to polyamory to make your partner happy but do not think they are in this because you lack in any way. In fact, most of the time, it has nothing to do with you but your partner’s personal choice of living their life. So, do not feel bad if your partner does not believe in monogamy.

Common Challenges Faced In Polyamorous Relationships

Similar to other relationship dynamics, polyamorous relationships have their own set of challenges. When more than two people are involved, complications are bound to arise. Even if things are going smoothly, it’s always helpful to have a framework or steps to navigate a non-monogamous relationship. Here’s how to approach them effectively:

1. Emotional management

Problem: You may feel jealous or insecure when your partner spends more time with someone else. 

How to solve: Identify the root cause. Share your feelings with your partner without throwing blame. Focus on building self-confidence, and try to find joy in your partner’s happiness.

2. Time management and scheduling conflicts

Problem: You may find it difficult to manage multiple relationships while ensuring everyone feels valued. 

How to solve: Use shared calendars or planners and avoid over-committing to your partners. Respect everyone’s time. Prioritize quality time and be present when with each partner.

3. Communication breakdowns

Problem: You may face misunderstandings or disagreements due to a lack of direct communication. 

How to solve: Openly discuss feelings, expectations, and concerns with your partners. Listen actively and reflect on your partners’ words to ensure you understand. Don’t be ambiguous or vague; express your concerns directly. Stay calm and focus on solving problems; address concerns before resentment builds. Try to understand, not win. If needed, involve a polyamory-friendly third party for mediation.

4. Unbalanced emotional investment

Problem: This may happen when you or one of your partners develops deeper feelings or wants more commitment than others are willing to give. 

How to solve: Define what commitment means to each of you and understand that relationships don’t always evolve at the same pace. You must discuss emotional needs, so if one person needs more than the others can give, you can have options to fall back on. Discuss what is acceptable and unacceptable in your dynamic, and keep an open dialogue on partner changes and practices.

5. Social stigma and family expectations

Problem: Polyamorous relationships defy the social norms of monogamous relationships, which is why you may face judgment and criticism from friends, family, and society. 

How to solve: Decide how open you want to be—who you can tell and how much you can share. Find online or local poly meetups, therapists, or support groups for encouragement. You can also find books and other resources so your close ones can try to understand your arrangement. But you must also set boundaries as you don’t owe an explanation to everyone. Above all, protect your mental and emotional health.

Infographic: Things To Consider Before Going Into A Polyamorous Relationship

If you and your partner are exploring ways to bring something new into the relationship and polyamory is your pick, you may need this infographic as your checklist before stepping into this unique lifestyle. Don’t just dive in for the thrill of it; learn what this type of relationship entails before making the transition.

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Illustration: What Is Polyamory Relationship? Its Types & Rules To Follow

Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team

Explore the complexities of polyamory and learn how to create healthy boundaries, rules, and agreements to make it work.

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Lisa J. HillRegistered Nurse Therapist

Lisa J. Hill is a Registered Nurse Therapist having a private practice in Christchurch, New Zealand. She specializes in working with adults, particularly during life transitions and emotional crises such as parenthood, but also sees adolescents and is branching into using Emotionally Focussed Therapy with couples.

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Ratika holds a master's degree in commerce and a post-graduate diploma in communication and journalism from Mumbai University. She has 6 years of experience writing in various fields, such as finance, education, and lifestyle.

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Siddharth KesirajuMA, Certification in Relationship Coaching

Siddharth holds a certification in Relationship Coaching and a masters degree in communication and journalism from the University of Hyderabad. He has around seven years of experience in various fields of writing and editing.

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Benidamika J LatamMA, MSc

Benidamika holds a masters degree in Counseling Psychology from Assam Don Bosco University and another masters degree in English Literature from North Eastern Hill University. At MomJunction, Benidamika writes on human psychology and relationships.

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