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Relationships are not always a bed of roses. The one you loved and trusted may let you down and make your life miserable. However, many ignore relationship deal-breakers and put up with their partner to save their relationship and avoid heartbreak. Effective communication is the foundation of any relationship. It allows partners to express their feelings, discuss boundaries, and address potential deal breakers before they escalate into bigger issues. While adjustments and compromises are essential for the smooth run of a relationship, it is not an excuse to encourage toxicity and unhealthy practices. It becomes a deal breaker when your partner prompts you to compromise on your principles and beliefs and asks you to do things that you don’t want to. Identifying and acting on these deal breakers are essential for your emotional and physical well-being. In this post, we discuss the common deal breakers people encounter in relationships.
Key Pointers
- Every relationship runs on mutual love and understanding but various factors contribute to breaking it.
- The dealbreakers could be lying, or physical, emotional and verbal abuse. But make sure you’ve a strong reason before walking out of a relationship.
What Is A Relationship Deal Breaker?
A relationship deal breaker could be a habit, personality trait or a point of view of your partner that cannot be overlooked, and that which tips the scales in spite of them having many other promising qualities. According to a study on dealbreakers in a romantic partner ranked by 2445 participants, “Seven dealbreaker factors were extracted: Hostile, Unattractive, Unambitious, Filthy, Arrogant, Clingy, and Abusive (1).” There are, of course, several others too.
All of us have our own set of core principles upon which we build our lives. We may not find a life partner who shares the same tastes and that is okay. But when they start to contradict our core principles, it becomes a deal breaker.
21 Common Relationship Deal Breakers
Your decision to break things off with your partner could stem from numerous reasons, be it something severe, like cheating and abuse, or something unaligned with your principles, such as financial mismanagement or unhygienic behavior. Below is a list of factors that determine whether or not the relationship will survive the test of time.
1. Lying
One of the important pillars of a relationship is trust. If you constantly scrutinize your partner’s statements, doubt them, and spend sleepless nights replaying what they said, chances are you don’t find your partner trustworthy. This lack of trust could stem from them lying to you often, which is not acceptable in a relationship.
Lilia Kazakova speaks at length about her past relationship with a pathological liar. She says, “We started spending less and less quality time together… It started with him coming over only late during the nights, and leaving early in the mornings. It made me feel pretty bad – like I was being used for just some easy affection and that’s that. Later on, he also started ignoring me. He would not respond to my texts or calls for days, even if we had plans. I would literally have no clue where he was, if something bad happened to him, etc… However, I did not make a deal out of it. Why? Because he always had the perfect justification for his behavior.
“The reasons for always being late, or his excuse for not calling me back: They were peculiar, but seemed truthful. This is why it is so hard to catch a compulsive liar in their lies. The lies never seem unrealistic (i).” Lilia further recalls never questioning her partner’s lies, even though people around her, her family and friends, doubted his honesty. Eventually, their relationship ended soon after she confronted him over his lies and was met with only silence.
Lying and unfaithfulness are some of the most common relationship deal-breakers. If your partner constantly gives you a reason to doubt them, you may have to think if it’s worth all the stress. But before coming to this conclusion, make sure your doubts are valid and not your imagination.
How to address: If you catch multiple instances of your partner lying, address their dishonesty directly, explain how it is affecting your relationship, and give them a chance to do better. If they continue to lie, you may need to reconsider the relationship’s future.
2. Abuse
Be it physical, verbal, or emotional, abuse of any kind is one of the major red flags in a relationship. No one has to tolerate abuse or think that it is a form of love. If you feel you are being abused, then look for signs – do they have a history of abuse? Why did their previous relationship fail? Is there any history of abuse in their family? If all the answers point towards the abusive behavior in your partner, then you are dealing with a toxic person who uses anger and manipulation to get his way and could harm you physically and psychologically.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, one in four women and one in seven men aged above 18 in the US have experienced intimate partner violence (IPV), with over 12 million people affected by IPV every year. Emotional abuse is not far behind. Almost half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (2). A study has also shown that “The effects of emotional abuse are just as detrimental as the effects of physical abuse (3).”
How to address: You should never tolerate abuse, be it physical, emotional, or psychological. Seek help from your trusted friends, family, or professional resources immediately. Also, plan to leave safely and connect with local organizations for support.
Do rememberWithholding affection is also a form of emotional abuse. The person punishes you by denying you care and attention until you toe the line (11). Such kind of abuse should also be taken seriously.
3. Anger issues
Anger is like a slow poison, which eventually kills a relationship. Short and flaring tempers that often lead to arguments and fights could indicate that they might be having anger issues. Life becomes difficult when you always have to face harsh words and insensitive comments. Uncontrollable anger eventually becomes a deal breaker when tempers result in violence or abuse. Surveys have shown that abusive behavior and anger are the highest-ranked deal-breakers in long-term relationships (4).
How to address: Uncontrollable anger can be dangerous, so encourage your partner to seek anger management therapy or counseling. If they refuse to work on themselves, set boundaries for behavior you find acceptable and prioritize your safety.
4. Affairs
Infidelity is an explicit relationship deal breaker, and it is more common than you think. According to data from the General Social Survey, 2010-2016, 20% of men and 13% of women have cheated on their spouses while married (5). When you are in a committed relationship, you are expected to be loyal to your partner, emotionally and physically. But if your partner has been in a physical or emotional affair, the betrayal and dishonesty could leave you heartbroken.
How to address: If you doubt that your partner is cheating on you, try to talk to them about it without being prying or accusing. If you find proof of infidelity, have an honest talk about the betrayal and decide whether either of you is willing to rebuild trust. If your partner does not acknowledge it or continues to be unfaithful, walk away.
5. Addiction
Addiction in any form will lead to a disaster. If your partner has an alcohol or drug addiction, they could be using it to navigate through the troubles in life. If you think they are addicted to a substance but are unwilling to accept it or seek help, it could make the relationship toxic for you. A partner’s preoccupation with getting high or drunk can lead to abuse, neglect, and financial hardship. The shame and embarrassment over your partner’s intoxicated behavior can isolate you socially and cause you to avoid your friends and family, damaging your mental health in the process (6).
How to address: Support them if they want to deal with it through therapy, support groups, or rehab, but you do not take responsibility for their addiction or suffer because of it. If they refuse your help and continue with their substance abuse, protect yourself by setting boundaries or leaving.
6. Unambitious
Sometimes, an ambitious partner may have a tough time relating to the other who has no goals in life. Your partner needn’t be a high achiever but should be capable of taking care of their expenses and contributing financially to the relationship. If they seem to lack any interest in work and are financially dependent on you, you might end up burning both ends of the candle and eventually become frustrated with the relationship.
How to address: If you notice no signs of self-improvement from your partner, discuss your concerns with them openly. Motivate them to set goals and pursue their interests. However, recognize that the drive has to come from within. If their lack of ambition burdens you financially or emotionally, consider your next steps.
7. Materialistic views
Materialism negatively affects interpersonal relationships. According to a study published in the British Journal of Social Psychology, “materialism leads to heightened expectations and standards for a significant other, which are associated with poorer interpersonal outcomes (7).”
It is normal to want a large house, an expensive car, or diamond jewelry, as long as you have the zeal to work hard and make money for it. But if one partner is always looking for materialistic gains from the other, without working for it, it could be a deal breaker. In such cases, the love that a person has for the other lasts only as long as they can get the pleasures they seek from the other.
How to address: If your principles regarding material possessions do not match your partner’s, talk to them about the importance of shared values. If their materialistic values overshadow your emotional connection, it may be time to reconsider the partnership.
8. Kids or no kids
This is a serious life decision that can lead to bitterness in the relationship. If you and your partner are not on the same page about it, it could create a rift very wide. Some people might want to have kids, and some prefer not to. Neither of you is right or wrong to want or not want kids, but it is important to be united in this aspect.
How to address: Have the kid talk early on in the relationship before you commit to each other. Respect differences, and don’t pressure your partner to change their stance. If you are incompatible, it is better to part ways early on.
Do remember9. Finances
Finance is another sensitive area where most couples stumble. According to research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, “financial management behaviors have an impact on the quality of relationships as well as on the subjective well-being of people in a relationship, and their relationship dynamics (8).”
In a relationship, one partner might earn more or be more successful than the other partner. All is well when there is an understanding between them. But if one partner exerts authority or the other expresses jealousy, it is a deal breaker. Also, poor money management and always being in debt, or being budget-minded and miserly can become deal breakers.
How to address: Discuss your financial goals, responsibilities, and habits openly at the beginning of the relationship. If money management is an issue, suggest creating a joint budget. Address conflicts early because unresolved disagreements in this area can prove to be detrimental in the long run.
10. Personal hygiene
At the beginning of the relationship, bad hygiene might not be a big deal, but as time progresses, it could be a reason to walk away from the relationship. According to research on relationship deal breakers, “The factors that activate relationship repulsion appear to be poor health, negative personality traits, and having an undesirable sexual/romantic strategy. People view poor health and bad personality traits in potential partners as deal-breakers across all relationship contexts (4).” So, if your partner does not make an effort to stay hygienic, and they shush you when you tell them to be, it can be detrimental to your relationship. It may sound silly, but personal hygiene is quite important as it affects both physical and mental health.
How to address: Hygiene is a sensitive issue, so approach the topic delicately. Encourage your partner to make small changes and communicate openly, but remember that continued neglect of hygiene may signal deeper issues.
11. Career goals
If your career goals don’t align, and neither of you can compromise, it could be the end of the relationship. For example, you may need to stay in your city for your job, while your partner’s job may transfer them to different cities every few years. Or, your career goals may lie in another country, but your partner refuses to leave the city due to familial obligations. These differences can become deal breakers in your relationship.
How to address: While you are in the initial stages of the relationship, talk about each other’s career goals and where you want to be in the long run. Align your long-term career goals with your partner’s if possible. Support each other’s aspirations, but if your plans are in direct conflict, you may need to reevaluate your relationship’s future
12. Family and friends
Usually, family and friends help you secure a relationship. But in some unfortunate instances, they could also become the deal breakers in a relationship. For example, your partner’s family could be protective of them and give you a hard time, or your partner’s friends could cause trouble by creating a rift between you.
How to address: Create and maintain firm boundaries with friends and family members who try to interfere in your relationship. Communicate with your partner on how you can handle such conflicts together.
13. Jealousy
While some amount of jealousy is a sign of a healthy relationship, excessive and toxic jealousy could become a deal breaker. Jealousy, especially anxious jealousy, is negatively associated with relationship quality (9). If your partner goes green with envy when you talk to a person of the opposite sex or accomplish something, it is a big red flag, and you should take things slowly.
How to address: Talk with your partner and reassure them to build trust. Discuss the root of their jealousy. However, if their behavior becomes too toxic or controlling, encourage them to consider therapy.
14. Controlling
Does your partner call the shots in your life and ignore your opinion? Do they neglect your needs and do what they want to? You might be dealing with a controlling partner. Life could get suffocating living with such a person as they will force you to live your life their way. Controlling behavior is far more common and can be equally, or more threatening than abuse. A study conducted in Nigeria revealed that “controlling behavior by partner was associated with higher likelihood of experiencing physical violence (10).” So, if your partner shows signs of excessive control, you may want to address it.
How to address: Set boundaries with your partner and tell them about your need for autonomy. Remember, controlling behavior often requires professional intervention, so don’t try to handle it all alone. If your partner refuses to address their behavior, prioritize your well-being and leave.
15. High maintenance
Multiple trips to the salon, expensive clothes, fancy dinners and exorbitant vacations – is that all your partner thinks and wants? It could be a sign of greed in your partner. If their lifestyle is costing you an arm and a limb, it could become a deal breaker. A superficial individual values a person based on their outward appearance and does not give importance to core values such as honesty, integrity, and dedication.
How to address: Frankly discuss finances and expectations with your partner while focusing on shared goals and values. If their lifestyle is unsustainable and they do not want to compromise on their superficiality, consider its long-term effects on your life.
16. Keeping the relationship in darkness
When you are serious about a relationship, you tend to introduce your partner to your family and friends. No matter how quirky your partner might be, you will never be embarrassed by them. But if your partner keeps you a secret even after spending a significant amount of time together, it is a sign of unreliability, and you may want to ask yourself where the relationship is heading.
How to address: Ask your partner why they are hesitant to introduce you to their family and close friends. If they consistently avoid making the relationship public, it may be a sign that they are not fully committed to you.
17. Selfishness
A relationship is a two-way street where both partners have to give and take. But if your partner is selfish and demanding and rarely there for you, there is no place for you in the relationship. For instance, when you are ill, if your partner refuses to take care of you because they are “too busy” or have “more important things” that require their attention, it’s a big red flag. When all they think about is themselves, and they have no respect for you or consideration for your needs, there is little chance of a future for you together.
How to address: Tell them how their selfishness affects you. If they constantly prioritize their needs over yours, it indicates disrespect. Stay away from such narcissism and move on.
18. Acceptance
None of us is perfect, and we have some good as well as bad qualities in us. And it is natural for us to expect our partner to accept the good and the bad equally. If your partner constantly tries to change you, just to fit you in their mental image of an ideal partner, it could put you under a lot of pressure. For instance, they may constantly criticize your hobbies and try to change your interests to fit their ideal.
You may always feel judged, and by changing who you are for them, you might eventually become a stranger to yourself. For a relationship to work, both partners have to be accepting and not overly critical. However, it doesn’t mean that you should be rigid and reluctant to change even when that change will make you a better person.
How to address: Discuss each other’s flaws and strengths and encourage mutual acceptance. If your partner constantly pushes you to change in ways that are not authentic to you, consider whether the relationship is healthy for you.
19. Religion
Incompatibility in your religious values may cause huge problems in the future. It is okay if your partner is non-religious or non-practicing, as long as they are respectful of your beliefs and you do not force them to convert or start practicing. However, if you are deeply religious and your partner is openly dismissive of your faith and religious practices, you may not be compatible.
How to address: Discuss beliefs and values early in the relationship if faith is important to you. Respect your differences, but you must address major incompatibilities in this area, as they can cause long-term conflict.
20. Gut feeling
If you have a nagging gut feeling that this relationship will not work, do not ignore it and take the big step. For instance, you may feel that something is off with how secretive your partner is with their phone and you can’t shake the feeling that they are hiding something important from you. Listen to your instincts and take things slowly, observe your partner, and address the issue.
How to address: If something feels off, tell your partner your concerns and ask questions till your anxieties calm down. Observe their response. If they have nothing to hide, they will patiently answer all your questions. If doubts persist, trust your intuition.
21. Negativity
Negativity in a relationship can be a deal breaker as it creates an environment filled with anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, frustration, or resentment. When negative thoughts persist, they can overshadow positive aspects of the relationship and shift focus on problems that may not even exist. This pattern can weaken the bond, making the relationship feel draining, suffocating, and emotionally overwhelming. Constant tension, frequent arguments, and a lack of support or understanding plague such relationships. For instance, your partner constantly complains about life, dismisses your efforts to stay positive, and criticizes all that you do.
In such a situation, there will be no trust and intimacy, resulting in dissatisfaction and resentment. Negative thinking often stems from unresolved conflicts, lack of communication, trust issues, past traumas, or unrealistic expectations. If not addressed, this negativity can lead to the relationship’s end.
How to address: Suggest better strategies to improve communication, and focus on the positives of the relationship. If their negativity persists, prioritize your emotional well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Are red flags in a relationship deal breakers?
There are many red flags such as jealousy, unavailability, suspicion, self-centeredness, and control, which, if not addressed early, can turn into relationship deal-breakers. However, it could also be that you are misinterpreting those signs. So, if you sense any red flags, discuss them with your partner and try rectifying them to avoid unnecessary conflicts.
2. What’s the biggest deal-breaker on a date?
Not paying attention to your date and constantly peeping into your phone when you’re with them can be considered the biggest deal-breakers on a date. That’s because no person would like to be treated with disrespect, especially by their date.
3. Is an STD a deal breaker?
Whether an STD is a deal breaker in a relationship depends on individual values and specific circumstances. While some may decide to end a relationship due to transmission risk and health issues, others may be open to working through it and finding ways to navigate the relationship. Ultimately, deciding whether an STD is a deal breaker in a relationship is personal and subjective, and it is important to have honest discussions and take medical advice to make informed decisions.
4. How do deal breakers differ between men and women?
While there can be similarities and individual variations, deal breakers can sometimes differ between men and women due to societal expectations, debatable gender-assigned roles, cultural influences, and personal preferences.
5. Can deal breakers change over time in a relationship?
Yes, as individuals and relationships evolve, their priorities, values, and needs can shift, leading to reevaluating what is acceptable or unacceptable in a partnership.
6. How to address deal breakers in a relationship?
Openly discussing deal breakers requires a safe and respectful environment. Here are some strategies to make the conversation constructive: First, choose an appropriate time to talk—avoid bringing up sensitive topics during moments of stress or conflict. Second, use “I” statements to express your feelings without assigning blame, such as “I feel uncomfortable when…” instead of “You always…”. This minimizes defensiveness and encourages understanding. Third, actively listen to your partner’s perspective, showing empathy and respect for their feelings. Maintaining a calm, open dialogue can help both partners navigate deal breakers effectively.
7. How does personal growth impact relationships?
Personal growth plays a crucial role in shaping and strengthening relationships. As individuals focus on their own development—whether by pursuing goals, interests, or self-improvement—they become more fulfilled and bring greater emotional depth to the partnership. This not only enhances mutual respect but also creates a dynamic and enriching connection. Couples who support and encourage each other’s growth tend to communicate better, handle challenges effectively, and work through potential deal-breakers with greater resilience. In essence, personal growth fosters a healthy balance between independence and togetherness, leading to stronger, more enduring relationships.
At times, some common relationship deal breakers may prove serious for some people in relationships. It is better to conveniently walk away to avoid all the excess stress during such times. Do not cross your healthy boundaries that could damage your bond. Take your time and make sure your decisions do not have severe consequences. Contemplate what is happening with you and your partner and understand if you can resolve the issues and continue with the relationship or part ways.
Infographic: Handling The Deal Breakers
If the happy moments of the relationship outweigh the discomfort caused by the deal breakers, you and your partner could try to work on them. However, if the deal breaker is physical/emotional abuse or infidelity, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Saving and sharing this infographic with your partner can help you two tackle deal breakers in your relationship. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Illustration: Top Relationship Deal Breakers That Are Tough To Tolerate
Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team
Dating can be challenging, so it’s important to be aware of potential deal breakers. Check out this video to explore seven common dating deal breakers that you should keep an eye out for.
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. My experience with a compulsive liar;https://www.lily-like.com/my-experience-with-a-compulsive-liar/
References:
- Zsófia Csajbók et al.; (2021); Seven deadly sins of potential romantic partners: The dealbreakers of mate choice.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886921007133 - Domestic Violence Statistics.
https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ - Günnur Karakurt et al.; (2013); Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3876290/#abstract1 - Peter Karl Jonason et al.; (2015); Relationship Dealbreakers: Traits People Avoid in Potential Mates.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282669491_Relationship_Dealbreakers_Traits_People_Avoid_in_Potential_Mates - Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America.
https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america#:~:text=also%20means%20infidelity.-,In%20general%2C%20men%20are%20more%20likely%20than%20women%20to%20cheat,40%20to%2049%20(18%25) - Family Addiction: How Does Addiction Affect Families?
https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/family-members/addiction-effects-on-family - Olaya Moldes; (2024); Unpacking the effects of materialism on interpersonal relationships: A cognitive approach.
https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/bjso.12795 - Monika Baryła-Matejczuk et al.; (2020); Link between Financial Management Behaviours and Quality of Relationship and Overall Life Satisfaction among Married and Cohabiting Couples: Insights from Application of Artificial Neural Networks.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/339231768_Link_between_Financial_Management_Behaviours_and_Quality_of_Relationship_and_Overall_Life_Satisfaction_among_Married_and_Cohabiting_Couples_Insights_from_Application_of_Artificial_Neural_Networks” rel=”follow noopener noreferrer - Melissa Ann Newberry; (2010); The Positive and Negative Effects of Jealousy on Relationship Quality: A Meta-Analysis
https://digitalcommons.unf.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1449&context=etd - Diddy Antai; (2011); Controlling behavior, power relations within intimate relationships and intimate partner physical and sexual violence against women in Nigeria.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3161889/#:~:text=Controlling%20behavior%20by%20husband%2Fpartner%20was%20associated%20with%20higher%20likelihood,experiencing%20physical%20and%20sexual%20violence” rel=”follow noopener noreferrer - Emotional Abuse.
https://broxtowewomensproject.org.uk/emotional-abuse/
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