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Falling in love is a thrilling experience that gives you butterflies, but it may not always go how you expected it to be. Recognizing the signs that he is using you can help women take accurate measures and avoid emotional breakdown later in the relationship.
You may want to make him happy, but if he is only using you, your relationship is not constructive. Additionally, being used can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and emotional trauma, making it even more important to look for indicators that he is not making you a priority.
Read on to explore a few signs that he is using you and what to do in such misleading situations.
Key Pointers
- A guy may not be in love with you but using you if he avoids conversations about the future or commitment.
- Being ignorant of your feelings, showing a lack of emotions while making love, and other toxic behaviors are more signs.
- Either talk to him openly or move on to a better life.
20 Signs He’s Using You
You have just started settling into the relationship, but something feels off to you, and you don’t know why. In these times, take a step back and see the bigger picture. Some of these warning signs that a guy is misusing you might be right in front of you.
1. He closes himself off
He doesn’t open up to you. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that he’s just shy. But, as days pass, you never really get to know about his plans or his friends or his life. He doesn’t seem like he wants to share anything with you. There is a communication gap as he never expresses his strong feelings. He might often come across as angry or upset, but he won’t tell you why.
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2. Your conversations are lackluster
Stimulating conversations that continue late into the night can help you understand him on a deeper level. But it doesn’t happen with your partner. He talks to you about sports, the weather, and politics, but you catch yourself looking for something more meaningful and personal. You find yourself revealing more and more about your life in the hope of getting the same insights, but it feels like he’s disregarding boundaries. If he can’t have an honest conversation with you and voice out relationship concerns actively, then the bottom line is you should reconsider this relationship.
3. He doesn’t care about how you feel
He seems to disregard your feelings and remains distant, which are clear signs he doesn’t care about the relationship. If he doesn’t get you, then he isn’t the one, and you can be sure about that. An innate understanding is necessary to build an intimate and meaningful relationship. It is the little details that count, and it is important to know about your partner to make things work in the long term after the initial interest has faded.
4. You haven’t met anyone he knows
If your significant other introduces you to his friends, it is a sign that he is serious about you and wants a future with you. But, somehow, if you have been together for a couple of months, and he hasn’t still introduced you to his circle of friends, and you know very little about his personal life, it is a major red flag.
5. He has issues discussing commitment
Finding ways to avoid discussing commitment with you is a sure sign a man is just using you. Being scared of commitment or not wanting something serious is normal, but refusing to discuss it definitely means that he has an ulterior motive and is just leading you on. If you are not looking for something casual, get out of the relationship as soon as possible.
While perceiving a partner as highly committed can strengthen relationships, it has a downside. Studies show that people with low agreeableness may act selfishly since they know the committed counterpart is not likely to leave the relationship. This highlights that signaling commitment to such partners may backfire, including an increased opportunity for him to use you (1).
6. He expects too many favors
Does he always need something from you? And do you always end up picking up the bill? If so, he’s definitely not in love with you. He might say he loves you, but actions always speak louder than words. If he always asks favors from you, or if you feel you are the one doing things to make him happy and he doesn’t reciprocate, he might be in the relationship only to fulfill his personal needs.
7. He is reluctant to compromise
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The reluctance to compromise is one of the most evident signs of manipulation in a relationship. Whether it is work or personal life, his needs come first over yours, and he treats you like an option instead of a priority. He’s always busy, you don’t really go on any real dates together, and he gets upset if you ask for anything. These are worrying signs. A person will always make time for you and put your needs first to make you happy if they truly care about you.
8. He is selfish in the bedroom
Every relationship requires a balance. If you feel he’s just having sex and not making love to you or there’s no emotion involved, it’s a genuine problem of deceiving you. Maybe this can be solved if you reach out to him with good communication and some guidance. But if not, you know where you stand. Don’t let him put his own selfish needs before yours. Physical affection is an important part of any close and intimate relationship.
9. You don’t feel special
Are you the only one who’s putting in the effort to make things work? If so, you are in a one-sided relationship. If he treats you like he treats everyone else, and you feel like a colleague or a roommate, and nothing changes when you express your valid reasons and concerns, you may be dealing with an apathetic partner.
10. He doesn’t show physical affection
There’s no physical intimacy and conversations about needs and wants. He doesn’t really engage in foreplay and doesn’t seem very interested in pleasing you. You also begin to realize that you don’t see him doing nice, thoughtful things. If you experience these, he might be taking advantage of you, and it is imperative that you heed the warning signs. Have an honest conversation as it could just be that they express love differently, but don’t be shy to demand what you need!
Physical affection is not merely about sexual needs but more than that. According to two studies conducted with 7,880 participants, the link between love and affectionate touch was examined in romantic relationships. The first study, a cross-cultural survey across 37 countries, tested if love universally correlates with affectionate touch. The second study, using a detailed touch behavior scale, assessed the frequency of such behaviors and their relationship to love. Results confirmed that love is consistently and strongly linked to affectionate touch in both studies, regardless of controlling factors (2).
11. He shows too much physical affection
Too much physical affection is also a red flag. If your Netflix-and-chill sessions seem like booty call sessions, and your every encounter turns into something sexual, do not hesitate to set boundaries.
12. He doesn’t care about your dreams and goals
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One of the most important things to make a relationship work is to have similar values. While career, family, and ambitions are all crucial, if all he cares about are his dreams and personal growth, by disregarding wishes, dreams and goals into consideration, he is using you. You will struggle to grow with him, and your relationship may feel toxic or stagnated in such circumstances.
Did you know?13. He doesn’t text back or try to get to know you
Cute text messages and online conversations are important to every relationship. However, you find that your conversations have died down, and you never made it past the second date. It’s not that he’s busy, but he seems to be genuinely uninterested. You feel like he forgets about you entirely when he is not around you and doesn’t take the time out for a simple cute text or a meme. All these could indicate that he isn’t serious about your relationship and is disregarding your needs.
14. He doesn’t express his emotions
If he doesn’t tell you he loves you or express it in his deeds, it is a clear sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Moreover, it is difficult to establish a strong bond if he is disregarding your emotions. While it is only fair to give your partner the benefit of the doubt here, you should still consider your compatibility.
15. You only see him when he needs you
Being there for each other during the highs and lows plays a significant role in establishing a serious relationship. It is solid proof of the special bond that you share with your special someone. However, if he calls all the shots and decides when you do what, taking your time and decisions for granted, it is an awful sign that he is using you, and you should make a prompt decision to be or not to be with him, as it can make you question your self-worth.
Point to consider16. He makes comments on you
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He makes comments that make you feel uncomfortable. This can be one of the worst signs because it is manipulative and hard to identify. He will often phrase his comments with subtlety and have them come across as advice for self-improvement. Don’t fall for this trap. The telltale signs include telling you that you are not thin enough or encouraging you to go on diets and backbreaking workouts. He has an opinion on everything you wear and everyone you meet by disregarding your opinions.
17. He regularly threatens to leave you
Does he seem to want to break up all the time? If he is manipulating you, he may make you chase him all the time and ditch your plans at the last minute. If you never feel secure in your relationship, and he always justifies his actions, you may have to reconsider your priorities and take a call on whether you want to be with such a person.
18. You are his secret
You haven’t met any of his inner circle, and he doesn’t post about you on social media, not even simple stories of coffee dates! If he tries to keep you to himself and doesn’t want the world to know about you both, it is a clear indicator that he is disregarding your trust. Most probably, you will be left with a broken heart if the relationship continues.
19. Irrespective of the situation, you are always to blame
Every fight turns into a blame game. Even when he is in the wrong, it will be interpreted as your fault. It is extremely cumbersome and exhausting. This behavior is a classic example of men playing mind games. In an intimate relationship, it is you and your partner versus the problem instead of you versus your partner. If he tries to be controlling in every argument, they are not the one for you.
20. He refuses to empathize with how you feel
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Does he not understand you? Wait, maybe he just doesn’t want to. Putting you down and refusing to empathize with you is a clear statement of disregarding your values. Intimate feelings need to be shared, but if he makes it difficult for you, and you sense a lack of kindness, you are not in a healthy relationship by any means, and it is rare for this issue to get resolved.
Recognizing the signs a guy is using you is only the first step in reclaiming your emotional well-being. If you notice any of the above signs in your relationship, it might be time to consider whether your partner meets your needs and respects your feelings. After all, a relationship can be healthy only when the partner is supportive and values you above everyone and everything else.
Common Misconceptions About Being Used In A Relationship
There are several common misconceptions about being used in relationships, often rooted in uncertainty or fear, which can cloud one’s judgment.
- One misconception is that sacrificing personal needs for a partner is a sign of love, leading individuals to overlook signs of exploitation or imbalance. In such cases, people may believe that putting their partner’s needs first is a noble act, even when it negatively impacts their own well-being.
- Another misunderstanding is the fear of confronting feelings of being used. Many worry that addressing these concerns might lead to conflict which might provoke strong emotions, leading to hurt, disappointment, and discomfort as well as lasting resentment and breakups (3). This fear often prevents individuals from expressing their discomfort and setting boundaries, allowing the manipulation to continue and go unnoticed.
- Additionally, the belief that “all relationships involve some level of compromise” can blur the line between healthy mutual understanding and one-sided manipulation. While compromise is an essential aspect of relationships, it should never involve consistently sacrificing one’s values, needs, or autonomy to satisfy the partner’s desires. Compromise doesn’t require full agreement; it’s important to uphold your values and preferences while finding mutual understanding (4).
- Finally, societal or cultural norms can reinforce these misconceptions. In some cultures, there is pressure to tolerate mistreatment or downplay feelings of being used, especially when the relationship aligns with certain societal expectations. These norms may discourage individuals from recognizing and confronting exploitation, making them feel guilty for wanting more equitable and respectful partnerships.
Recognizing these misconceptions is crucial for building healthier, more balanced relationships where both partners’ needs and boundaries are respected.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What signs indicate that a guy is using me for money?
The most notable sign is borrowing money often and never returning it or returning it after months. Other signs include expecting you to pay every bill, being overly interested in your income, and being uncaring about your needs.
2. How do I know if a guy is using me to make himself feel better about his own insecurities?
Signs that he is insecure and could be using you to make himself feel better could be that he needs constant praise, guilt trips you for hanging out with friends or pursuing hobbies, checks your phone without permission, and lacks general trust in the relationship.
3. How do I confront my partner about the signs I’ve noticed?
Before confronting your partner, ensure the signs you’re seeing are accurate. If you find signs that he is using you, consider having a conversation in a quiet and private setting. Share specific instances where you felt used to help your partner understand your perspective better. If you suspect you’re being used in a relationship, start by assessing the balance of effort and respect in your dynamic. Establish firm boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Additionally, you could seek professional help from a therapist or relationship coach if you wish to continue the relationship.
4. How do cultural factors influence the concept of being used in a relationship?
Romantic relationships are shaped by societal discourses, cultural norms, and religious influences. Childhood and family influences, historical context, and geographical location impact how individuals interpret and connect with their partners. Culture is vital in shaping perceptions of love and intimacy, highlighting differences between collectivistic and individualistic societies. Additionally, religion and its theological impact on societal norms significantly influence romantic relationships. Religion, in particular, affects how individuals perceive and interpret the world and their intimate connections (5).
A relationship that does not have mutual love and respect for one another does no good. A relationship should be well balanced on both the partners needing each other and feeling incomplete without the other. Talk to your partner and discuss your apprehensions with them. If your guy shows any signs of using you, you must step back and give your relationship a thought. If necessary, you may also consider taking help from a counselor or therapist. It is not advised to continue this relationship if you do not notice a change in them.
Infographic: Ways To Deal With A Guy Who Is Using You
If you are sure of the signs that he is using you, it is time that you take a stand for yourself and plan out a way to deal with the situation. But if you are unsure how to go with the process for the same, this infographic is the right one for you. We have combined a list of tips to help you handle the situation better. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Learn the signs which might suggest that your partner might be using you and get tips on how to deal with the situation, with the help of this video.
References
- Perceiving greater commitment increases selfishness among disagreeable people; National Library of Medicine.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11146695/ - Love and affectionate touch toward romantic partners all over the world; National Library of Medicine.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10073073/ - Conflict Resolution Skills; Health Guide.
https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/conflict-resolution-skills - Here’s What Compromise Looks Like In A Healthy Relationship; The Source.
https://www.thesource.org/post/heres-what-compromise-looks-like-in-a-healthy-relationship - Cultural Influences and Heteronormativity on Experiences in Romantic Relationships; Society for the Advancement of Psychotherapy.
https://societyforpsychotherapy.org/cultural-influences-and-heteronormativity-on-experiences-in-romantic-relationships/ - Stockholm Syndrome.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22387-stockholm-syndrome
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