Image: Midjourney/ MomJunction Design Team
If you’ve been wondering lately whether your mother-in-law is jealous of you, there are ways to find out. When you’re a newlywed, you will obviously want all your husband’s attention, but this can sometimes leave your mother-in-law feeling like she has lost her son to you.
Studies confirm that the mother-daughter-in-law relationship does not start well in the beginning and tends to be conflictual and stressful for both women (1). Therefore, it may take time for both of you to figure things out.
Recognizing the signs your mother-in-law is feeling left out or projecting negative feelings toward you can help resolve jealousy issues and strengthen your bond with her. Below, we discuss the signs that your mother-in-law may be jealous of you, followed by suggestions for addressing the issue.
Key Pointers
- Your relationship with your mother-in-law is delicate and may not always be cordial.
- Acting indifferent to you and constantly comparing you with other daughters-in-law are a few signs indicating your mother-in-law is jealous of you.
- Talking to her and keeping a healthy distance can help improve the equation.
17 Signs Your Mother-In-Law Is Jealous Of You
You’re probably feeling it already, but you’re not entirely sure. So here are some signs that your mother-in-law is jealous of you.
1. She speaks ill about you
You may feel you have a close relationship with your mother-in-law, but at times, you might find her gossiping about you behind your back to your husband or other family members. While this could be a sign of jealousy, she might also be trying to figure out how to communicate with you or handle a situation related to you. In such cases, reach out to your spouse for advice on how to approach the topic with your mother-in-law. This way, you can address the situation without her reacting negatively or defensively.
2. She is ungrateful
You may do several things to help your mother-in-law and win her over, but she may not acknowledge them. Instead, she may ignore you and dismiss your sincere efforts. Having taken care of her children for years, the arrival of the spouse can trigger feelings of jealousy. Even if she seems ungrateful, she may simply be trying to navigate the changes in her life and adjust to this new dynamic.
3. She strives to keep her command intact
Your mother-in-law is probably used to running the house or doing things her way. It may take time for her to adjust to having a new person in her life and adapting to their way of doing things. At times, her desire to be involved or know the details of even the smallest things can make it seem like she is jealous of you. However, these are all typical aspects of family dynamics when adjusting to living with a mother-in-law.
4. She ruins your plans
When your mother-in-law misses a family gathering you’ve organized or invites only her son to a party, it may feel as though she is testing her son’s loyalty or trying to make you feel less important. While this could be the case at times, it’s also possible that she doesn’t want to intrude on the life you and her son are building or is unsure whether you’d be interested in attending the party she has invited him to.
Quick tip5. She gives you the cold shoulder
She may ignore you or act indifferent, and this can make you suspect she is jealous of the life you and her son are building. You might also respond to such situations negatively. However, her intentions may not always be wrong. She could simply be unsure about how to communicate with you, the person who is so important to her son.
6. She plays the victim
When you start focusing on the negatives, you may begin to notice patterns where she uses guilt or emotional distress to control a situation or gain sympathy. Her crying or venting her emotions can make you feel she is jealous and that you are in the wrong. Don’t always view this through a victim mentality. It could be her way of expressing her feelings. Given your mother-in-law’s age, she may also be experiencing these emotions more intensely.
Kristina God, a wife, while talking about her disrupted relationship with her mother-in-law, says, “The moment I say something serious to her or ask her for help or advice, she sheds crocodile tears, and involves the whole family and her nosy friends so that I can be labeled as a villain. Yes, playing the victim is her favorite and only sport, despite competing with me in diverse sectors such as cooking, beauty, fashion, either by making rude comments or saying nothing at all. And she wants to be the winner. All the time (i).”
7. She holds grudges
Every time your mother-in-law suggests something, you might feel like she is mocking you or jealous of the changes you’ve brought. You may also think that the words she uses are unnecessarily harsh. But even your mother would likely offer advice or suggestions for doing something better. Your mother-in-law is probably doing the same and does not intend to be overly critical.
8. She refrains from talking directly to you
At times, your mother-in-law may choose to ignore you and close off direct communication. For example, she may contact you through your partner or another family member and avoid reaching out to you directly. This can make you feel like you’re not a significant part of the family. She might be doing this not out of malice but because she is unsure about the right time, duration, or topics to discuss with you and doesn’t know how to approach you directly.
Do remember9. She compares you with other daughters-in-law
She may talk about you to her friends and relatives or compare you to your partner’s ex-girlfriend. The negative aspects of this can make her seem like a jealous person. But when discussing someone, it’s natural to talk about both the positives and negatives. She could just be mentioning the negatives as part of the conversation. You can either avoid taking it to heart or have a chat with her about it.
10. She creates differences between your partner and you
At times, it may seem that she is so desperate to reclaim her son that she attempts to sabotage your relationship with your partner. You might sense she is saying or doing things to cause misunderstandings between you and your partner. Not all such situations are as clear-cut as they seem. You and your mother-in-law may simply have different communication styles, which can make you feel this way.
11. She shows no respect for your personal boundaries
She may disregard your boundaries. For example, she may show up unannounced at your house or make fun of your habits in front of others. If she is doing this out of jealousy, you can consult with your partner and have him explain why her behavior is inappropriate. On the other hand, if she does this because she thinks of you as a daughter and a close family member, it could be her way of trying to connect.
12. She demands her son’s attention
Your mother-in-law may, at times, be so desperate for her son to be by her side that she goes out of her way to gain his attention. For example, she may call him at work, prepare his favorite food without informing you, or visit him at work or home without letting him know. This may be her way of seeking her son’s attention or ensuring he’s there for important moments, such as hospital visits, rather than trying to make you feel jealous.
13. She lectures you on how to raise your kids
You may be the most loving and caring mother to your children, but your mother-in-law may have a different way of doing things. As a result, her advice and interventions might make you feel she is meddling in your family matters or lecturing you on how to raise children. Instead of seeing this as jealousy, you could consider using her advice to improve your life and family dynamics.
14. She over-criticizes you
Sometimes, it may seem like your mother-in-law is finding flaws in you, no matter what you do or how you do it. Her suggestions and advice may sound like she’s trying to point out your faults in front of your partner. It could just be her way of approaching people and may not necessarily mean that she views you negatively.
15. She excludes you from family affairs
If she plans any family gatherings, she may purposely keep you in the dark or inform you at the last minute, making it inconvenient for you to attend. Even if there is a change in plans, she may pretend to forget to inform you. Although this might seem like a clear case of jealousy, she could have just forgotten to invite you, or it could just be her way of keeping you from feeling overwhelmed with all the preparation that is required.
16. She tries to turn your kids against you
If your children start behaving differently with you each time they return home after visiting their grandmother, it can make you feel as if your mother-in-law is talking negatively about you to them. Remember, children love their grandparents and are probably missing the freedom and fun they had at their house. Try talking to both your mother-in-law and your children if this is the case, and avoid confusing your child’s mind.
17. She shows you no respect
If your mother-in-law displays contempt towards you, you might feel that she holds resentment about you taking her son away. Interactions with her may also make you feel disliked at times. Before reacting or jumping to conclusions, it’s important to confirm if she actually feels that way or if you might be projecting your own feelings or stereotypes.
What To Do When Your Mother-In-Law Is Jealous Of You
If you’ve noticed any of the above signs, you’re probably wondering how to deal with a jealous mother-in-law. Here are some strategies for effectively handling the challenges a jealous mother-in-law poses. You may as well read quotes about mother-in-law to get more perspectives.
1. Talk with her
The first thing you can do to reduce the tension between you and your mother-in-law is to speak with her. Sit down with her and explain how her behavior affects you. Perhaps she is acting out of concern for her son and is unaware that her actions bother you. However, if you tell her calmly and respectfully, she may consider your feelings the next time she acts possessively toward her son. Approaching the conversation calmly can help ease tension and build understanding, making it easier for your mother-in-law to acknowledge your concerns. Mutual respect plays a pivotal role in fostering understanding and facilitating conflict resolution.
3. Talk to your partner
Any conflict between your mother-in-law and you can cause tension for your partner because he will be unsure how to reconcile the two critical people in his life. Try to talk to your spouse and see if he can bring you and his mother on the same wavelength.
3. Empathize with her
Your mother-in-law may be behaving erratically, but instead of dismissing her, try to approach the situation with empathy. When you put yourself in her shoes, you gain her perspective, allowing you to see life through her eyes. Consequently, you can understand the reasons behind her actions. Understanding her feelings puts you in a better position to comprehend the situation and address her concerns.
Point to consider4. Ensure she does not feel insecure
One of the primary reasons your mother-in-law may be cold to you or you think she is a toxic mother-in-law might be because of her insecurity. A study published in the Indian Journal of Psychology has shown that when a mother-in-law understands that she will always have a special place in her son’s heart, she can enjoy the younger woman as a friend with new things to teach her, and who can, in turn, learn from her wisdom and life experiences (2). So, acknowledge the deep bond between your partner and his mother and assure her that her significance in his life has not diminished.
5. Create boundaries
You can talk to your partner and his mother to create healthy boundaries to make it easier to maintain the relationship. Studies show that daughters-in-law in households with clear relational boundaries, acceptable levels of involvement by the mother-in-law in the family, and open communication report positive relationships with their mothers-in-law (3). Therefore, try to maintain healthy relationships and protect your interests, it is important not to isolate your partner from his mother, as this could lead to a strained relationship. Approach the situation with assertiveness and an open mind.
6. Spend time with her
Perhaps your mother-in-law does not know you well enough to warm up to you easily. A study published in the journal Social Work states that mothers-in-law tend to feel closer to their daughters-in-law when they spend more time together (4). So, why not spend some time with her? Talk with her. Tell her about yourself and get to know her. She might not feel threatened by you if she knows you better. And if she starts liking you, your life will be so much easier.
7. Show interest in her
As per a study published in the International Journal Of Health Sciences, most mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflicts arise due to the failure to form a shared family identity (5). So, show interest in her life. If your mother-in-law is a community or group member, stay up to date on its activities. Call her now and then to see how things are going. If she ever needs your advice or opinion, be there willingly and happily. Make yourself a part of her life, and she will become a part of yours.
8. Have your kids spend time with her
If you have children, make time for them to spend with their grandmother. It can be weekly or monthly, or yearly. You may or may not like her, but you should not keep your children away from their grandmother. Instead, ensure that they form their bond with their grandmother.
9. Praise her
Some women love being flattered, and acknowledgment and praise are the best ways to win their hearts. If your mother-in-law excels at something, such as cooking or public speaking, make it a point to compliment her on it. Tell her how much you value her hard work and dedication to a cause.
10. Spoil her with gifts
You can try surprising your mother-in-law with thoughtful gifts to keep your relationship with her cordial. For example, you can get her a gift when you return from vacation. Alternatively, if she mentions buying something for herself, get it for her without being asked. Then when she sees how much you care for her, she may start appreciating you.
11. Offer to help her
Helping your mother-in-law whenever you visit her is one way to earn a place in her heart. For example, if you’re going to her house for lunch or dinner, offer assistance serving or clearing dishes. Bring wine or a dessert, so she doesn’t have to make all the arrangements. Ask her where she needs help and do it promptly.
12. Speak up for yourself
If, after trying everything to be good to your mother-in-law, she still does not change her behavior, then put your foot down and stop allowing her to disrespect you. However, there could be times when she puts your patience to the test and acts irrationally. In such a scenario, express your displeasure. Don’t let her take advantage of your adaptability.
13. Avoid arguments
While you may be able to speak up for yourself, avoid arguing with her in any way. She may try to push you, but try to remain calm as much as possible. Do not fall for her ploys and react the way she wants you to. Instead, do the opposite.
14. Keep a healthy distance
If you believe there is nothing else you can do to make her like you, you should keep your distance from her. Do not prevent your partner or children from seeing her. However, keep your interactions with her to a minimum.
15. Try to ignore her behavior
This one is easier said than done, but give it a shot. Even if you have limited your interaction with your mother-in-law, she may still try to annoy you. Ignore her jibes and cold demeanor, if possible. Tell yourself that you have to put up with it for a short time and that you can do it without getting upset.
Why Are Some Mothers-In-Law Jealous?
Several things could make a mother-in-law envy her daughter-in-law. After the marriage, the mother-in-law may feel they are less important to their son. She may feel she’s losing something important in her child’s life. She might think her son is more dependent on his wife than anyone else. This can make the mother-in-law feel left out. Moreover, some women may feel they are losing their grip over their household with the arrival of their daughter-in-law. When the mother-in-law starts questioning her place in the family, she starts comparing herself to the daughter-in-law. This might make her jealous, especially when she sees her son caring for his wife more than her.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What could be the reasons my mother-in-law is jealous of me?
Your mother-in-law may be jealous of you if she is insecure about your presence and thinks you will replace her eventually. Your better education and husband’s support may also make her feel left out. She may also harbor resentment because her hidden desires and unfulfilled wishes were sacrificed to take care of the family. Moreover, society may also influence her thoughts and create negativity.
2. Can a jealous mother-in-law cause a divorce?
No, the attitude of your mother-in-law alone might not cause a divorce. The important point here is to decide how this negativity is influencing you. Before making a sudden move, evaluate the situation, understand why your mother-in-law behaves this way, and how you can deal with the situation. Also, stop worrying about your in-law’s attitude and focus on yourself and your marriage.
3. What is an enmeshed mother-in-law?
An enmeshed mother-in-law refers to a situation where the lines between a mother-in-law and her child’s spouse become blurred or non-existent. This involves an excessively close and dependent relationship, where the mother-in-law may invade the couple’s privacy, cross boundaries, and exert excessive control or influence in their lives.
4. What are some common myths about mother-in-law jealousy?
Some people believe that all mothers-in-law are jealous of their daughters-in-law and want to replace them, and that conflict is inevitable. However, many in-laws have a harmonious relationship with their child and their spouse—one built on mutual respect and communication. Most mothers-in-law are also happy to see their children marry someone they love and are supportive.
There’s a chance your mother-in-law is jealous of you if she treats you with hostility and disrespect, constantly gossips about you, compares and criticizes you, and tries to create differences in your relationship with your spouse. Her jealousy might stem from her fear of losing her son and the home authority to you. Dealing with a jealous mother-in-law can take an emotional toll on your relationship and mental health. Understanding the cause of her jealousy can help maintain a healthy family dynamic. If you suspect your mother-in-law is envious, attempt to talk to her, spend time with her, sympathize with her, and offer to help. If you still don’t see a change in her attitude, speak up and convey your unhappiness without arguing, and maintain a healthy distance from her.
Infographic: Ways To Deal With A Jealous Mother-In-Law
If you often feel your mother-in-law doesn’t like you or behaves rudely or inappropriately with you, chances are she is insecure or jealous of you. Since dealing with such a scenario could be tough, we bring a few helpful tips in this infographic to try fixing your relationship with her. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Illustration: Telltale Signs Your Mother-In-Law Is Jealous Of You
Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team
Don’t know how to deal with a jealous mother-in-law? This video can help you understand things from a different perspective and decide what to do next.
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. My monster-in-law hates me but that’s totally normal — says the therapist;https://medium.com/modern-parent/my-monster-in-law-hates-me-but-thats-totally-normal-says-the-therapist-679c5c7a55c1
References
- Aler Pagente; (2023); Social Construction Of A Mother-In-Law And Daughter-In-Law Relationship: A Case Study Perspective.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/376549005_SOCIAL_CONSTRUCTION_OF_A_MOTHER-IN-LAW_AND_DAUGHTER-IN-LAW_RELATIONSHIP_A_CASE_STUDY_PERSPECTIVE - Harasankar Adhikari; (2015); Limerence Causing Conflict in Relationship Between Mother-inLaw and Daughter-in-Law: A Study on Unhappiness in Family Relations and Broken Family; The International Journal of Indian Psychology.
https://ijip.in/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/B00311V2I32015.pdf - Joyce Emmons Nuer; (2004); A qualitative study of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships.
https://twu-ir.tdl.org/items/0d4c5d73-c746-4258-a0e9-7f4e030da117?utm_source= - Michael E Woolley et al.; (2019); Mother-in-Law Reports of Closeness to Daughter-in-Law: The Determinant Triangle with the Son and Husband
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30395348/ - Kianoush Zahrakar et al.; (2022); Exploring factors affecting conflict between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law: A qualitative study
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/367582539_Exploring_factors_affecting_conflict_between_daughter-in-law_and_mother-in-law_A_qualitative_study
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