14 Signs Of An Abusive Wife And How To Deal With Her

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Signs Of An Abusive Wife

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Although in most relationships, we see men being blamed for wrong behavior, women may be at fault too. Therefore, to better the relationship or check the wrong behavior, it is important to recognize the signs of an abusive wife. Interpersonal relationships reflect a person’s personality. Both men and women are equally responsible for nurturing interpersonal relationships. Therefore, in the absence of proper love and care, a relationship might break. Intimate partner violence (IPV) between married couples is supposed to be a violation of human rights and contributes to public health problems. In a study published by The National Institute of Health, it was found that intimate partner violence (IPV) can lead to serious mental health issues, with posttraumatic stress disorder PTSD being the most common among victims (1). Understanding the dynamics of an abusive relationship is crucial for recognizing harmful patterns. Abuse can manifest in various forms, including emotional, physical, or verbal, impacting the relationship and the persons involved. This post informs you about the characteristics of an abusive wife and gives tips on how to deal with her.

In This Article

Key Pointers

  • Abuse may come from the wife in the form of silent treatment, intimidation, criticism, or neglect.
  • Identify the signs of gaslighting, blame-game, or public humiliation before it affects your mental health.
  • Counseling and other therapy may help you heal but do not hesitate to seek legal help if things go out of control.

Are Men Really Abused By Their Wives?

Women are not the only victims of domestic violence. Since patriarchal notions and gender stereotypes dictate that men are in a position of power in most matters compared to women, it is automatically assumed that men abuse this power against women. This creates a worldview that women can never inflict physical, verbal, or emotional abuse over men (2) (3) (4).

Hence, a man may feel ashamed of accepting any form of abuse from their woman in the first place. A man abused by the wife feels humiliated even to admit such a thing.

14 Signs Of An Abusive Wife

Men tend to exhibit more extroverted behaviors and emotional outbursts, while women can be subtle in their emotional expression. An abusive woman might be much more common than we have been led to believe.

If you are confused about your wife’s behavior, here are 12 signs that tell your wife is abusive. It is possible that the couple might see some of the signs as acceptable behaviors in the relationship even though, the signs may not be necessarily healthy.

1. Ostracizing

 If your woman punishes you with the silent treatment, it’s unhealthy
Image: iStock

Arguments and clash of thoughts is a sign of a healthy relationship as it gives both of you a chance to get to know each other. It is normal for couples to stop talking to each other for a while after a fight. But if your woman believes in punishing you by using the silent treatment, it’s time to wake up!

The silent treatment is a conscious and neglectful choice to ostracize you and stop all communications to make you feel guilty. This could go on for days and can hurt your feelings deeply. At first, it seems like a minor issue, but over time, you realize she is deliberately keeping you out of a lot of things in her life.

2. Neglect

An abusive wife often neglects affection and physical intimacy as a coercive measure to punish her man for something. Although consensual sex between the partners is the norm, suppressing any physical affection can cause damage to your relationship and emotional connection in the long run. Neglect also happens for more mundane things in life. For instance, when you come home from work, she doesn’t greet you or ask how your day went and leaves you with most household responsibilities.

3. Intimidation

Using threats to bully, scare, or intimidate may damage your mental peace
Image: iStock

“I will break this marriage if you don’t do as I say.”

“I will leave you for good if you don’t agree to this…”

Have you heard these lines often? If your answer is yes, your wife is abusive. Using such threats to bully, scare, or intimidate may damage your mental peace and emotional stability.

4. Manipulation

This one is easy to spot. If your woman questions your love or loyalty towards her to validate her stance, she is manipulative and abusive. You will often hear verbal abuses, such as, “You would agree with me if you loved me,” or “You will not meet with that friend of yours if you cared for my feelings.”
Deja vu?

Glen, a husband, addresses a letter to Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, a clinical psychologist, seeking guidance on coping with his abusive wife. He writes, “She is the absolute dictator of my life. She controls my finances, who I see, and when I come home from work. I have to shower by 10 o’clock, take off my shoes when I come into the house, feed/bathe the baby when I get home from my 12-hour working day, and take care of said baby when she decides to go out with friends. Failure to do any of these things results in insults, silent treatments, screaming, and yelling. Of course, the content is usually the same: I am worthless, I do not take responsibility for my family, I am lazy, I am inconsiderate, I do not listen, etc. Any decision she makes is final and enforced while all of my decisions are up for debate (i).”

It is important to note that dealing with an abusive wife is a sensitive and challenging situation. Taking the initiative to seek help is a brave stride towards a healthier and safer future.

5. Criticism

She may criticize you for everything you do
Image: iStock

Do you often feel “not good enough” for her even though you do everything you could do to nurture the relationship?

If yes, it is possible that you are being criticized for everything you do. For example, it is your anniversary, and you took time out of your busy schedule to organize a get-together with friends despite an important product launch at your company. She says, “I had a good time but only if…, I believe you will always find a way to ruin my mood.”

6. Gaslighting

This may be one of the most subtle but dangerous forms of abuse by your wife. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the abuser repeatedly manipulates the situation to induce the victim to distrust their own memories, beliefs, and opinions. If your partner often makes you question your part in the relationship or your feelings, she is gaslighting you. In doing so, she will make you apologetic and guilty for something you never did! You might hear statements like, “You always blow things out of proportion,” or, “You’re just not remembering it correctly.” Over time, these comments can leave you feeling like you’re losing trust in yourself.

protip_icon Point to consider
Excess jealousy is another sign you should watch out for. Sometimes jealous wives can also be possessive and make life hell for you

7. Controlling

This is a power-play displayed by an abusive partner in the relationship. A controlling wife will often want to know about your whereabouts or call you frequently to monitor your movements. She may be doing it because she cares for you and worries about your safety. You might notice her questioning you whenever you go out with friends or even calling repeatedly at work. “Where are you? Who are you with? Why didn’t you tell me about this?” she asks. But if she does it with an intention to control your life, such behavior is less about her concern for you and more about exerting an invisible control over you.

Keep a tab on this one as it can be very subtle to notice.

8. Yelling

Yelling over little things is a sign your wife is abusive
Image: iStock

When couples yell at each other, respect for the foundation of marriage deteriorates. Your spouse has no right to subject you to this or any other form of emotional abuse under any circumstances. If she yells, is aggressive or screams at you often without reason or over little things, it can be mentally upsetting for you. At first, you may try to brush it off, thinking it’s just stress or a bad day, but over time, the yelling becomes more frequent and intense. Yelling is another sign that you are living with an abusive wife. This is unacceptable and demeaning behavior that should not be tolerated.

9. Over-demanding

We have certain expectations of ourselves and those around us. When you are in love, you will have established expectations from your partner, but what if she demands a luxury car when you can only afford a hatchback? You might notice that your wife often demands more than what feels reasonable. For example, she might say things like, “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” or “I expect you to always know what I want without me telling you.”

In the long run, such high expectations will not only damage your financial situation but also hurt your family dynamics.

10. Public humiliation

An abusive wife may embarrass you in public
Image: iStock

This one is a no brainer. She might mock your efforts, saying things like, “Is that really the best you can do?” or “No one else would be impressed by that.” If your wife deliberately picks fights and arguments in public or discloses certain things about you or your relationship that are inappropriate for social gatherings, she is shaming you and abusing you publicly.

11. Belittling

An abusive wife tends to be dismissive and belittle you by displaying negative body language. She might dismiss your opinion and be critical of you in a public setting. She might say, “It’s cute that you think you can handle that project,” or “Why would anyone listen to you?” You may start questioning yourself: Is she just teasing me, or is this something more? Imagine you are sharing your most vulnerable thoughts with her while she either eye-rolls it or sighs it off and says, “This is ridiculous.”

That, my friend, is emotional and verbal abuse!

12. Blame game

She will blame you unnecessarily, and everything that makes you feel wrong is your fault, even her own. All the blaming can make you feel frustrated, demoralized, and angry. Even if it was not your fault, you might apologize. For instance, after a disagreement, she says, “It’s always your fault that things go wrong. If you did things the way I want, we wouldn’t have these problems.” You feel as though nothing you do is ever right, and even when you try to explain your side, she dismisses your feelings, saying, “You’re just trying to make excuses again.”

13. Extreme jealousy

Not all instances of jealousy are inherently harmful, but when it reaches extreme levels, it could indicate an emotionally abusive relationship. Suppose your partner consistently exhibits a negative mood when you engage with others, even in non-romantic contexts like interactions with family members. In that case, it may signal an unhealthy level of jealousy. Questions like “Why did you stay late at work today?” or “Who was that woman you were talking to?” become frequent questions, making you feel trapped and constantly under suspicion. While it’s normal for spouses to be jealous, this behavior becomes concerning when it extends to any form of attention, even toward close relatives.

14. Violence

Violence means more than just using mean words. If your wife gets mad and starts hitting walls or throwing things, that’s a big problem. Even if she hasn’t hit you directly, it’s a sign that she might hurt you. Punching, slapping, hitting, and kicking are all signs that someone might be abusive. This violence might not only be towards you; it could also be directed at your kids or pets.

According to The International Journal of Novel Research and Development (IJNRD), domestic abuse against men can lead to serious physical, emotional, and psychological harm, including injuries and trauma, causing conditions like depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The impact is significant, affecting both mental and physical health, especially when the abuse is perpetrated by an abusive wife, creating a harmful and damaging environment for the victim (5).

How To Deal With An Abusive Wife

Go through all the signs of an abusive wife that we have listed above and assess your situation. Here is a small activity to help you do just that.

Try to answer these questions with a yes or a no:

  • Does she yell at me?
  • Does she neglect me often?
  • Am I being emotionally manipulated?
  • Is my wife controlling and intimidating?
  • Does she humiliate me in public?

If your answer is mostly “yes,” you may be dealing with an abusive wife.

Now, let us have a look at some ways to deal with such a spouse.

1. Getting out of the denial

As highlighted above, once you understand the situation and determine that you are a victim of wife abuse:

Do not hide from it. Do not deny it.

Men often tend to ignore the opinions of friends because friends can easily recognize signs of abuse in your relationship. Avoid shrugging now!

2. Journaling and vocalizing

Keep a record of all situations where you find that she is abusive towards you.

Speak with her and create some boundaries on how you want to be treated in this relationship. Tell her how her behavior makes you feel. Maintaining healthy communication and building bridges are important steps in dealing with emotional abuse. But what if she denies and shifts the blame? Well, it only proves that she needs professional counseling.

3. Counseling and asking for help

Before deciding whether to remain or quit your relationship, it is wise to seek help from an experienced counselor.

You will be surprised to find that sometimes seeking help from family or friends will give you the strength to adapt to your situation. Don’t avoid those who really care about you.

4. Seeking legal help

If things get out of control, there is absolutely no need to worry about seeking legal help, filing a complaint, and divorcing. This is your life, and your mental health is a top priority.

5. Undergoing therapy and healing

Abusive relationships can leave you scarred to the point that you may be afraid of building a new relationship. You may even stop trusting people, which may damage you on the professional front. Therefore, you must sign up for therapy to heal. It can help you emotionally and guide you towards a better life. Reach out to hotlines and support groups for domestic abuse. Connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can provide strength and practical strategies for healing.

Intimate partner violence is a major public health issue with significant health impacts, but there is no standard treatment. Some studies suggest that couples therapy may help in cases of situational violence, though professionals are cautious due to the risk of further violence. Preliminary data show that couples therapy could be effective in certain cases (6).

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What are the causes of an abusive wife?

The abusive nature of your wife can run much deeper than you think. A research study states that some of the reasons your partner is abusive can be childhood abuse or they have seen their parents fight too often (7).

2. What type of abuse is lying?

Lying is a form of original covert abuse used by the abuser to gain control over the victim slyly. In relationships, lying can manifest in many forms, from half-truths and black lies to broken promises and denials. Essentially, the abuser uses lying as a tool to manipulate their partner.

3. What is the gray rock method?

The gray rock method helps deal with difficult people or those who try to manipulate you. It involves not displaying intense emotions or engaging in interesting conversations with them. Instead, you respond with uninterested remarks, discouraging their focus and manipulation.

4. What is the difference between mental and emotional abuse?

Mental abuse refers to actions that harm your mind and make you feel bad, such as manipulation, constant criticism, or undermining your self-confidence. Emotional abuse involves actions that cause you emotional pain, such as blaming, humiliating, embarrassing, or withholding affection, which can leave you feeling deeply upset or hurt.

5. What is the impact of abuse?

The effects of living with an abusive partner can be profound. Victims often experience feelings of isolation, self-doubt, and fear. Understanding these emotional and psychological impacts is crucial for recognizing the need for change and seeking help.

Men are also subjected to verbal and emotional abuse by their spouses, which is an issue that should be addressed. Some clear signs of an abusive wife are that she excessively intimidates you, is disrespectful, neglects you, always yells at you, or is overly controlling. If you think you are living with an abusive partner and the circumstances are out of your control, don’t be afraid to take action. Seeking help from an experienced counselor, undergoing therapy, and maintaining a journal can help you overcome this situation.

Infographic: Why Men Usually Do Not Leave Abusive Relationships?

The events of men being abused by their wives make fewer headlines than those of the opposite sex. However, that does not make it a minor issue, and men suffer the consequences equally. The infographic below explains why it may be difficult for men to leave an abusive relationship.

why is it difficult for men to come out of an abusive relationship (infographic)

Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

Illustration: Signs Of An Abusive Wife And How To Deal With Her

signs of an abusive wife_illustration

Image: Stable Diffusion/MomJunction Design Team


Are you worried your wife is toxic? Watch this video to learn 9 signs that could indicate your wife is toxic. Get the help you need to make your marriage healthier.

Personal Experience: Source

References

MomJunction's articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.

1. Alison M. Nathanson, et al; The Prevalence of Mental Health Disorders in a Community Sample of Female Victims of Intimate Partner Violence; Partner Abuse.
2. Suzanne C. Swan, et al.; A Review of Research on Women’s Use of Violence With Male Intimate Partners; Violence and Victims (2010).
3. Sanjay Deshpande; Sociocultural and Legal Aspects of Violence Against Men; Journal of Psychosexual Health (2019).
4. RaMon B. Younger; The Effects of Domestic Violence: The Male Victims Perspective; School of Graduate Studies, East Tennessee State University
5. Aditya Agarwal; The Effects of Domestic Violence on Male Victims: The Law’s Response to the Ultimate Taboo A Dissertation Submitted To Guru Gobind Singh Indraprastha University, Delhi In Partial Fulfilment Of The Requirement For The Degree Of Bachelor Of Laws; The International Journal of Novel Research and Development(IJNRD)
6. Gunnur Karakurt, et al; Couple Therapy for Intimate Partner Violence: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis; J Marital Fam Ther.
7. Rosenbaum, A. & O’Leary, K. D.; Marital violence: Characteristics of abusive couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (1981).


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Dr. Carlos Juan Carmona-Goyena
Dr. Carlos Juan Carmona-GoyenaPhD (Counseling Psychology)
Dr. Carlos Juan Carmona-Goyena is a board licensed therapist in the USA and Puerto Rico with a specialty in couples, families, and relationships. Dr. Carlos possesses a PhD in Counseling Psychology granted at the Interamerican University of Puerto Rico.

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Benidamika holds a masters degree in Counseling Psychology from Assam Don Bosco University and another masters degree in English Literature from North Eastern Hill University. At MomJunction, Benidamika writes on human psychology and relationships.

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