Image: Midjourney/ MomJunction Design Team
Not all daughters-in-law may show the same conduct and change based on their relationships. Some could be good, open-minded, and mature, while some may be selfish, impolite, and even disrespectful. But what could be those toxic daughter-in-law signs? If you have been having a hard time with your daughter-in-law, you might want to know if she is deliberately annoying you or if it is your misconception about her. A toxic daughter-in-law can lead to arguments in the family, causing emotional distress and potentially affecting the relationships within the family.
But why is this relationship often so challenging? The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law bond is perceived to be fragile due to its non-voluntary nature and shared connection to the son/husband (1). Mothers-in-law may try to retain their role in the family, while daughters-in-law seek independence, leading to misunderstandings and tension. This dynamic can sometimes cause daughters-in-law to exhibit toxic traits.
If you’re facing difficulties, you may wonder whether her behavior is a deliberate attempt to hurt you or a simple misunderstanding. Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship can help you approach the situation more thoughtfully and work toward a resolution. This post aims to inform you about some common toxic daughter-in-law signs and help nurture a healthy relationship with her if possible. Once you know her intentions, you will know how to deal with it.
12+ Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law
1. She is controlling
Image: Shutterstock
Does your daughter-in-law want you to go her way and create a conflict every time? Does she keep a tab on you? Maybe she wants to stay superior to you and trouble you in every way possible. She might want to impress the family by showing you down. It is unacceptable behavior that you cannot bear with.
How to deal: As she is new to the family and wants to adjust soon, she could be trying different ways to look the best. Express how you feel when she controls you. But if she doesn’t get you, start saying ‘no’ to things you don’t like. Be firm in your actions, irrespective of how she reacts. For example, if she tries to control your spending, you may begin asserting the boundaries.
Do remember2. She is selfish
She thinks only about herself and not about the family. And she keeps you at the bottom of her priority list. She doesn’t care about your well-being and preferences and wants you to listen to her. However, when she needs something from you, she acts sweet. But later, she becomes sour as usual. For instance, she’ll ask you to babysit, sweetly convincing you, but once it’s done, she’ll distance herself for weeks without showing any gratitude.
How to deal: Try to communicate that her nature is disrupting the family’s mood or see if some adjustment is possible. Maybe she was pampered while growing up, or maybe she is a single child of her parents. Such things can impact one’s personality. But if you find her unchanged even after the open communication, keep a distance from her. Also, don’t keep falling to her demands.
Also, it is important for in-laws to take time to understand their daughter-in-law as they navigate their relationship with her. Amand Kuykendall, a blogger, explains how she’s still trying to get clarity on her equation with her daughter-in-law, even after years of knowing her. She says, “Whether directly or indirectly, my relationship with my daughter-in-law has taught me several things. Often, the subject of jokes or sarcasm, the mother-in-law’s position/role is a tricky one. I am only eight years in, and still trying to figure it out (i).”
3. She is unpredictable
Being unpredictable is not a negative trait. However, it is not easy to deal with if she has mood swings as it could affect your mental well-being. For instance, she is nice to you one day and behaves rudely the next day. This way, you might not understand her intentions.
How to deal: Instead of getting afraid and suppressing yourself in front of her, try to talk with your son to find solutions. You could even invite friends and relatives’ home or visit them to keep yourself distracted, cool, and calm. Maybe giving her time could bring a change in her.
Quick tip4. She is spiteful
Image: IStock
When people dislike you, they tend to be good with everyone but not you. For example, a spiteful daughter-in-law can spread gossip about you or portray you in a negative light in front of your extended family and may thereby try to spread tension and ruin relationships. If your daughter-in-law gives you the silent treatment, points the finger at you, and even threatens you, it shows she is ready to spite you. She could even talk harshly to hurt you.
How to deal: You may talk to her to figure out if she has any issues with you. If she is open, you both could try to resolve the tension. But if you find her adamant and arrogant, do not try to change her because she might take everything negatively.
5. She is dominating
She could be following in your footsteps only to impress you so that you fall for her. She might help you with chores, adopt your religious practices, and even learn how to manage a household. But once you get smitten by her, she might try to manipulate you sweetly. Behaving too pleasant and soft than usual could also be a toxic trait often overlooked.
How to deal: Keep observing to know her true colors. Be nice to her when she is, but be firm with your points when she tries to dominate you. You may take things with a grain of salt so it leads to less disappointment later.
6. She brings her husband into trivial matters
Image: Shutterstock
If you are not falling for her tricks, standing up to your points, and not being provoked by her tactics, she might bring her husband (your son) between you. She might try manipulation tricks on her husband and play a victim card to get his attention and to keep you away from your son, which is unacceptable. This situation often puts the son in an uncomfortable position, forcing him to choose sides. If he supports his wife, his actions, though unintentional, may hurt his mother’s feelings. Over time, this emotional strain might damage the bond between the mother and son, leading to heightened tension and further disrupting family harmony (2).
How to deal: Let her play the tactics, and you keep calm. Do not try to do the same. Her evil intentions would not succeed, and your son will know about her in time.
7. She blames you for everything
A toxic daughter-in-law would want to show you wrong in front of the family. For example, she might blame you for spoiling her children, she could accuse you of not bringing up her child in the right manner, and could even say you disrespect her family (when you don’t). Her actions reflect that she wants to pull you down, so she tries different ways.
How to deal: Don’t allow her words to impact you. You know what you do and what you are, so be yourself. Your loved ones know you, and there is no way that anyone could believe her false stories in the long run.
8. She plays games
When she cannot control you, she might try playing emotional games to control your son. This might also take a form of emotional abuse. She might blackmail him or even cry to be at your side. For example, she might even tell her husband that you love your other children more. She could play around probably to separate you and your son.
How to deal: If you tried talking to her and understood that her intentions are insensitive, then you should give her space. Even if you are already giving her space, it is wise to move a bit more away from her, so she doesn’t harm you or your son mentally.
9. She disrespects you
Image: Shutterstock
Does she taunt you in front of the family? Does she put across disapproving remarks on you? Does she compare you with herself? Even though you are a good mother-in-law, you are friendly with her, and you have many admirers, she doesn’t regard anything as she dislikes you. She may frequently question your decisions or openly disregard your opinions to undermine your role in the family. She might snap at you, disagree with you, and even be discourteous—all these show she disrespects you. For example, she might criticize your cooking during a family meal or sarcastically disregard your advice on important matters, clearly showing a lack of respect for your opinions and experience.
How to deal: Respect should not be asked for. Be who you are and do what you wish to do. Do not try to convince and be behind her to get respect. Be yourself.
10. She talks behind you
Your friends and relatives must have told you that your daughter-in-law talks bad about you in your absence. Even after being so friendly with her and helping her adjust in your family, if she talks behind your back, it shows she doesn’t have value for you. For example, she might tell mutual friends that you interfere in her life or make negative comments about your parenting to elevate herself.
How to deal: Do not keep explaining to your friends and relatives how you treat her. Neither confront your daughter-in-law. Anything you do will not stop her from back-biting you, so leave it to her.
Quick tip11. She is aggressive
Whenever there’s a disagreement at home, you find her throwing things, screaming, or harming herself. It is toxic behavior that could make you and your family feel unsafe.
How to deal: Talk to her when she is calm. Maybe she has her problems and needs help. Shower some love on her by showing affection. It could melt her heart, and she could share her inner thoughts with you instead of creating a drama.
12. She doesn’t let you talk to her children
Image: IStock
This could be heart-wrenching. If she is trying to put distance between you and your grandchildren, it is clear that she doesn’t trust you. Instead of explaining the importance of family and grandparents, she teaches wrong lessons to her children. For example, she might prevent your grandchildren from visiting you, telling them things like, “Grandma’s house isn’t a good place,” or “You’re not allowed to be with her.”
How to deal: Talk to her when there’s nobody at home and know what’s in her mind. Even after communicating your thoughts, if she is adamant and thinks she is doing right, let it go. If your grandchildren love you, they will come to you sooner or later.
13. She displays signs of jealousy
A toxic daughter-in-law may exhibit jealousy towards her partner’s family and try to create distance between them by discouraging communication. She might also limit them from spending time with the children, making it challenging for others to have quality interactions with them without her involvement.
How to deal:
When facing issues with your daughter-in-law, avoid involving your son immediately. Instead, express your concerns directly with her and try to solve them amicably. When you don’t drag your son in such matters, your daughter-in-law will know you are not trying to create tension between her and her husband. Open communication with her can lead to better understanding and resolution.
Factors That Positively Influence The Mother-In-Law And Daughter-In-Law Relationship
A strong relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law thrives on mutual respect, understanding, and open communication. These undermentioned factors play a crucial role in mitigating toxic behavior and fostering a more harmonious bond (3).
- Setting boundaries: When both respect each other’s personal space and limits, it helps avoid misunderstandings and builds respect.
- Open communication: Talking openly and honestly about each other’s needs and concerns helps set a positive tone.
- Make her feel accepted by the family: Daughters-in-law who feel welcomed and part of the family are more likely to have a better relationship.
- Mother-in-law as a grandmother: A supportive and loving grandmother can significantly improve the MIl-DIL relationship as the shared goal of the child’s well-being can put them both on common ground.
- Adjusting expectations: Daughters-in-law who adjust their expectations to the reality of the relationship tend to have a more positive experience.
- Creating a supportive family environment: A family that works together and supports each other helps reduce conflict and encourages positive interactions.
- Allowing time for relationship growth and change: As time goes on, relationships can improve as both adjust to each other and the family dynamic.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why are daughters-in-law toxic?
A daughter-in-law being toxic is not a universal thing. It depends on the person and their bond with the in-laws. Some daughters-in-law blend into the new family very well. However, some who are regarded as toxic may be difficult to deal with due to factors such as:
- She has seen her mother not getting along with her mother-in-law, and she is portraying similar behavior
- She feels overwhelmed with the newfound responsibilities
- She does not get along with or like the husband’s family
2. Why do mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law not get along?
Not getting along does not apply to all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Some of them bond well and share a lovely bond instead of a toxic relationship. However, some toxic mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law may not get along too well because:
- They may fight over the attention of the son or the husband
- There may be tension due to the division of resources and work in the house
- The mother-in-law may not have approved of the daughter-in-law
- The daughter-in-law may find the mother-in-law too nosy or dominating, or vice-versa
3. How can a toxic daughter-in-law affect the mental health of family members?
Research done at North Dakota University suggests that a strained relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can affect all other family members (2). The family systems theory suggests that all family relationships are interdependent, and a single strained equation in the family can affect all members of the family (3). Therefore, a dysfunctional rapport between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law can adversely affect all other relationships and individuals in the family.
4. Are there any warning signs that a daughter-in-law may become toxic?
Identifying potential warning signs of toxic behavior in a future daughter-in-law can be challenging, as individual personalities and circumstances vary greatly. However, if your daughter-in-law consistently expresses harsh or negative opinions about others or frequently criticizes your family or son, it could indicate toxic behavior early. Pay attention to whether your daughter-in-law respects personal emotional and physical boundaries, and watch for signs of controlling behavior.
5. How to improve the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?
It’s challenging when the relationship between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law becomes strained, causing stress and tension in family dynamics. Encourage both to express their thoughts, concerns, and feelings openly and honestly. Both parties should try understanding each other’s perspectives, experiences, and values. Discover shared interests or activities that the mother and daughter can enjoy together. Encourage each party to appreciate each other’s unique qualities and avoid making comparisons that may lead to unnecessary conflicts.
6. What can family members do if they suspect their daughter-in-law is toxic?
Before jumping to conclusions, it’s important to objectively observe and gather evidence of the daughter-in-law’s behavior. Choose an appropriate time and place to have a calm, non-confrontational conversation with your son. Ask your son to reflect on his relationship and evaluate whether he has noticed any concerning behavior from his spouse. If the situation escalates or you believe there is a risk to your son’s well-being, encourage him and his spouse to seek professional help.
7. What are the main strategies for handling conflicts with the toxic daughter-in-law?
Handling conflicts with a toxic daughter-in-law involves understanding how to communicate and manage emotions. According to research, the five main ways to handle conflicts are : directly addressing the issue, avoiding it, managing your emotions, seeking support from others, and standing firm (4). These strategies include actions like calmly speaking up, setting boundaries, being patient, staying in control of your feelings, and asking for advice. These strategies, when applied thoughtfully, can help you manage conflicts with a toxic daughter-in-law more effectively.
It takes time for a new member to settle in the family after the marriage. Consider giving her time to adjust and try to become her friend. Forgive her for her unintentional mistakes and try to bridge the gap between you. However, even after putting in much effort, if you find toxic daughter-in-law signs in her, such as misbehaving with you or not respecting you, it is better to keep a distance from her for your mental and physical well-being.
Infographic: Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law And Dealing With Her
There may be a love-hate relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. But if despite all your efforts, you never seem to get along with your daughter-in-law because she often shuts you off, there may be more hate than love. So here are the signs to help you figure her out and tips for dealing with her if you’re in a similar situation. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Key Pointers
- It’s important to recognize that a new daughter-in-law may need time to settle into the family after marriage, and patience can facilitate her adjustment.
- A toxic daughter-in-law may exhibit controlling tendencies, attempting to impose her preferences on you and creating conflicts to maintain a sense of superiority.
- Attempting to build a friendship with her or forgiving her for unintentional mistakes can ease tensions and foster a more harmonious relationship.
- Despite efforts to connect, if you notice signs of toxic behavior, such as disrespect or misbehavior, it’s important to take them seriously.
- Distancing yourself from toxic behavior and prioritizing your physical and mental well-being may be necessary in this case.
Check this video to learn how to navigate the tricky waters of dealing with a difficult daughter-in-law. Get tips on how to maintain a healthy relationship and keep the peace.
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. 10 things my daughter in law has taught me;https://lifeunbleached.wordpress.com/2020/03/11/10-things-my-daughter-in-law-has-taught-me/
References
- Daughters‐in‐Law and Mothers‐in‐Law Seeking Their Place Within the Family: A Qualitative Study of Differing Viewpoints.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230127865_Daughters-in-Law_and_Mothers-in-Law_Seeking_Their_Place_Within_the_Family_A_Qualitative_Study_of_Differing_Viewpoints - Whitney Allison Anderson; “YOU’RE NOT PART OF THE FAMILY”: UNDERSTANDING THE TURNING POINTS AND FAMILY SYSTEM CONSEQUENCES OF HIGH CONFLICT MOTHER-/DAUGHTER-IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS.
https://library.ndsu.edu/ir/bitstream/handle/10365/25667/%E2%80%9CYou%E2%80%99re%20Not%20Part%20of%20the%20Family%E2%80%9D%20-%20Understanding%20the%20Turning%20Points%20and%20Family%20System%20Consequences%20of%20High%20Conflict%20Mother-Daughter-in-Law%20Relationships.pdf?sequence=2&isAllowed=y - Family Systems Theory.
https://family.jrank.org/pages/599/Family-Systems-Theory.html - Kianoush Zahrakar, et al.; (2022); Exploring factors affecting conflict between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law: A qualitative study.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/367582539_Exploring_factors_affecting_conflict_between_daughter-in-law_and_mother-in-law_A_qualitative_study
Community Experiences
Join the conversation and become a part of our nurturing community! Share your stories, experiences, and insights to connect with fellow parents.
Read full bio of Jessica Jefferson
Read full bio of Shikha Thakur
Read full bio of Akshay Nair
Read full bio of Benidamika J Latam
