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You may be dating your beau for several months now, but there may come a time when you begin noticing some changes in their behavior. You may wonder why they are trying to distance themselves from you. Read this post to know the reasons why men pull away in a relationship. Changed behavior in men may lead to confusion and self-doubt in their women partners, thinking they did something wrong. Such thoughts may lead to increased stress and leave little room for a healthy relationship to flourish. However, it may have very little or nothing to do with you. Knowing why men pull away often involves recognizing the emotional dynamics at play. Men’s emotional needs can differ from women’s, and acknowledging these differences is crucial for navigating relationship challenges. You must take a break and figure out whether your guy is really drifting away or if your insecurities are at the root of your doubts. Read this post where we tell you a few reasons why men pull away at times and some tips on how to sail through the situation.
Key Pointers
- Men could pull away from a relationship due to compatibility issues, lack of space or emotional connect, unrealistic expectations, or difference in opinion.
- Based on the reason he is pulling away, you may take an action – either talk it out, take a break, or make adjustments.
- Use a positive approach, but do not lose yourself.
Reasons Why Men Pull Away
1. Gamophobia
Gamophobia or fear of commitment could be a possible reason, wherein your guy experiences an uncontrolled and irrational fear of being accountable to you. He might have jitters at the very thought of reporting to you.
Until now, it was all about spending time together, and it all seemed happy. But, when things start getting serious, and he is faced with the moment of truth, he is probably at his wit’s end, and his first reaction is to distance himself or make himself unavailable to you. He might find the idea of calling or texting you regularly overwhelming or even repulsive, and making plans for the weekend or going grocery shopping might stress him out.
Did you know?2. Sense of bondage
Some men love to live on their own terms, and in no way do they like being in a controlling relationship. They become defensive and prevent anyone from intruding on their territory. Studies show that people can change their behavior based on how their partners treat them. These changes may be based on finance, religion, education, social origins, and habits (2). If your man feels that you are trying to take away his time or his autonomy from him, he may turn away from you.
A relationship is a shared vision that never revolves around personal whims and fancies. It needs both partners to walk that extra mile and make things work, for which he may not be ready yet.
3. Abandonment issues
The notion that displaying emotional vulnerability diminishes one’s masculinity is highly mistaken. But that is what might have been engraved in his psyche. This instinct often triggers insecurity and the fear of getting hurt by rejection. So, he might prefer pulling away as a defense mechanism despite the real positive intent you show in the relationship. In recent years, social media has reinforced the concept of a strong male as someone who does not show emotions. Hence, he might shy away from you instead of showing his soft side.
An anonymous blogger who has been facing abandonment issues sheds light on this problem. He says, ”When someone leaves me, I get angry and blame them for abandoning me. But the worst part is when I turn on myself. I started to wonder what I did wrong, what I could have said or done differently, and what I could have done to make them stay. My brain goes into overdrive, searching for that one moment when I could have made a difference. Even when there is nothing to find, my brain still insists that it’s my fault (i).”
4. Resistance to change
While it is completely normal for life to change after entering into a relationship, it can often be quite intimidating and overwhelming. For some, a transformation is not desired. Some men enter a relationship unaware of what the future holds. There is a high chance of them feeling restless and walking away while putting up with the new normal. For instance, if you tell him to brush his teeth immediately after he wakes up, and he is not in the habit of doing so, he might see this as intrusive. In a study conducted on students in Singapore, an average of 18 students admitted that their relationship with their partner changed when they could not stop them (their partner) from changing. Moreover, around 13 students also responded that their relationship changed because the people in the relationship were unpredictable (3).
5. Hatred for melodrama
Conflicts and disagreements are bound to occur in any relationship. Often, men might retract into their shells silently. Probably they consciously want to avoid an explosive argument, emotional breakdown, or melodrama, as they would call it. They might have also seen their parents deal with such situations similarly. And walking away may seem to be the perfect thing to do for them.
Some men do not have the skills to talk a thing through. Instead, they prefer being quiet and letting the matter blow over. Author Pradip Das writes in his blog about how he used to avoid conflict at all costs but learned later in life that, sometimes, confrontations may clear the air. He writes, “When I was younger, I would either get defensive or try to avoid arguments entirely. I thought it was better to stay out of conflict, thinking it was a waste of time and energy. But as I grew older, I learned that avoiding arguments only caused more problems. They didn’t go away; they just lingered, unresolved. This realization was a turning point for me. I began to see that arguments are not inherently bad. They’re actually opportunities for growth, both personally and in our relationships (ii).”
6. Blurred vision
Being in a relationship may not always be a rational decision, leave alone sustaining one. Overcome by emotions, we often tend to act on our impulses with no optimal clarity of thought.
In case, at a precise moment in time, your man feels that the relationship is becoming a deterrent and simply dragging on would do no good to either of you, it might give him the perfect reason to pull away. For instance, if you have a great job offer but it requires you to relocate to another place, your man might feel it as a challenge to his own growth and may want to part ways.
7. History of disappointments
Your man has probably been dumped before and might not be over it yet. He might pretend to be strong enough to embrace pain and hide his wounds, but deep down, he might have developed a sense of insecurity. Some men even develop a sort of hatred towards women because they feel that all women are the same, based on their experiences.
They may not let you into their soft-spot for fear of getting exploited yet another time and could pull away after getting close.
8. Unrealistic expectations
Remember, it is not about you or the relationship always. Beyond the warmth of love and romance, there exists a world that can be excruciatingly cold, ruthless, and demanding.
Stressful work-life, performance pressure, not being able to balance all ends, etc., may impact his actions and thoughts and, ultimately, disturb the equilibrium of your relationship. This sort of parting is not on you, even though you may feel responsible. You must also accept that external forces can disrupt a perfect relationship too.
9. Dwindling spark
The early phase of a relationship is like a fairy tale. Everything seems to be picture perfect. But as the honeymoon period ends and gradually both of you start embracing the mundane, the facade fades.
It is no longer just about emotional bonding, but about the greater responsibility of sailing through the tides. Often, the irresistible charm that once held you together might vanish in thin air, and he might start losing interest. When day after day, all the both of you talk about is work or children, you may start losing the spark that brought you together in the first place.
Point to consider10. Difference in outlook
Often attraction and infatuation are mistaken as emotional commitment. A faulty understanding of something so integral to a relationship is unfortunate when one of the partners is serious.
Your man may like going out with you, but he might not be looking beyond that. When he realizes you are expecting more out of the relationship, it might give him cold feet, and he may pull away. For instance, he might be just looking for a casual relationship. When you start talking about moving in or getting engaged, he might start to pull away.
11. Lack of compatibility
It all starts with appeasing, pampering, and dreaming of being there for each other for life. But, peaceful coexistence isn’t a child’s play and requires conscious efforts.
A sense of belonging, mutual trust, and respect are integral to helping one another address the hurdles that life brings along. If your partner, for one reason or the other, feels that his goals are not being met, he might pull away from the relationship.
12. Lack of space
Men value their independence and personal space. For some, partying till the wee hours, being glued to the TV, playing video games for hours, or not cleaning up daily might be normal. Certain things that get under your skin may probably be the best ways for them to unwind and chill.
So, if you are a disciplinarian, it could be overwhelming for him, and he could take it as the perfect excuse to call it quits.
13. You are one among the many
In this day and age, with access to social media, dating sites, etc., it is quite possible that your man may have been cheating on you the whole time.
As long as you are casual, he is fine with your relationship. But, the very instance you start planning your future together, he backs off. There may be signs that show his infidelity such as his unwillingness to appear with you in public or click photos for social media. If he is not a naturally shy person, these may be red flags.
14. Emotional disconnect
A man may not be good at expressing what he feels, but being human, he too has his share of expectations attached to the relationship. Sometimes, it is up to you to decide what he wants by asking him questions indirectly.
The moment he feels the relationship is not satisfying his emotional needs, he is on the back foot. While you celebrate the idea of commitment, he may pull away slowly and silently. Reflecting deeper concerns about the relationship’s future, might be one of the reasons why he won’t commit. This may impede the intimacy within your relationship.
Quick fact15. Lack of fulfillment
A fulfilling relationship may be defined as one where both of you contribute to each other’s happiness, growth, and wellbeing without expectations. As utopian as it may sound, in reality, this is the very basis on which a good relationship flourishes.
In case your guy starts feeling that there are loose ends in the relationship, and you are innately self-centered, hostile to him, or envious of him, he might prefer pulling away than sulking or confronting the issue.
16. Unmet desires
Some men may look at a relationship as a platform to fulfill their insatiable desires, the sheer multiplicity and variations of which may be dizzying and difficult for you to handle. He might want physical pleasures or investments from you, but if you do not respond as he wishes, he might lose interest. Your man may not have the habit of taking ‘no’ for an answer. When these desires are not met, he might feel hurt and choose to withdraw.
17. Communication gap
When both partners share a certain comfort level, it allows them to open up to each other and express themselves, helping them put across concerns effectively and avoid misunderstandings.
Often, the reluctance to step up and strike a conversation leaves a great void to fill. When unaddressed, this invariably leads to coldness, and gradually the chemistry that you share meets an end.
18. Presence of potential options
When you have already taken the leap of faith and committed to him, you tend to get blinded by the idea of love. You lose sight of reality and refuse to look through him. However, he might not feel the same even if he says he loves you.
One fine day, you might be surprised to find out that when you were busy celebrating togetherness, your man was exploring greener pastures and looking for the right reason to pull away.
19. Your overbearing nature
Well, that is for you to mull over. It is time to put yourself a bit under the scanner if required. Often, your behavioral traits may seem unpleasantly overpowering to him. He might suggest something but you overpower him with your own suggestions. If this happens constantly, your man may feel belittled.
Now, if you say you can’t help but be your natural self, you need to assess yourself. Again, it is all about mutuality.
20. High expectations
Are your expectations from the relationship increasing by the day? He could lose it if he feels that he is unable to please you and live up to your expectations.
It could be the other way around too. You may feel that it is practically impossible to always make him feel loved, valued, and respected as he expects. If his expectations are unrealistic, remember that the problem is with him and not you. Change is an inevitable part of any relationship. However, if suddenly one of you wants the other to cook four fresh meals daily without any help and also manage the children and keep the house clean, the other person might feel overwhelmed. Similarly, if you were happy with a small home in the beginning but suddenly one of you wants a huge home with five bedrooms while your savings are dwindling, it might lead to differences.
21. It wasn’t meant to be
It’s possible for your man to realize that the intensity of his feelings for you is fading away, and there is no sense of belonging in the relationship.
Despite having visualized a beautiful future together, he might have to pull away to remain true to you. While you have a hard time putting yourself together to deal with the sudden loss, he might have done what is just. Remember that it has nothing to do with you, and it is just the nature of the relationship.
Recognizing these reasons is the first step in understanding relationship dynamics. It’s important to remember that many factors can contribute to a man’s withdrawal, and not all are a reflection of the relationship’s value.
What To Do When He Pulls Away?
Frankly, there is no magic potion that can fix a troubled relationship.
However, now that you are aware that the situation is spinning out of control, it is necessary for you to address it to save yourself from further agony. But in the process, remember not to ignore your sentiments and lose your sense of self-worth by appearing desperate to win them back. You may use these handy tips to cope with the situation.
1. Stop being obsessed
The very thought that your man is pulling away after getting close can be frustrating and hurtful. But do not let your emotions overwhelm your rational mind under any circumstance. Continuously worrying about what would happen next may add to your worries and increase your stress levels.
Try focusing on things that you love to do. Take up a hobby, go shopping, unwind in a spa, take your girlfriends out for drinks, or hit the road.
Although these may seem trivial for a moment, they can help you let go of your obsessive thoughts and not only calm you from within but also bring out the best in you.
2. Vent out
Rather than wallowing in pain, get it off your chest by reaching out to friends who care. Talking to people with similar experiences may help you release the pent-up angst.
Letting others into your personal space may initially make you uncomfortable, but it could instill in you the feeling that you are not alone and that there are others who can make you feel loved and valued.
As you let out the negativity, you will be able to get over lingering thoughts of insecurity and better cope with the situation.
3. Nurture compassion
Probably it is just your insecurities that are clouding your mind and making you fume. Before hurling accusations and derailing the chances of working it out, try understanding his stance. Maybe he is just preoccupied with other important things in life and is unable to balance all ends.
Try processing your feelings and emotions in a way that at least gives him the benefit of the doubt, without fretting.
4. Sever contact
This might make you feel that you are unnecessarily hard on yourself. But, it will give you ample time to assess yourself, the relationship, and most importantly, him. Contemplate how it all started, his approach towards you, and how you feel.
This can put a hold on your massive assumptions and significantly help you in two ways. Firstly, you get an incredible opportunity to dissect your stand in the relationship and develop the strength to embrace any outcome. Secondly, if he is still interested in you, he will sense the void, and it won’t take too long for him to come looking for you.
5. Seek counseling
If you feel entrapped in conflicting emotions and can no longer handle it, it is wise to consult a relationship expert.
The person may not be able to give you a clear answer to why he pulled away. But, just a patient ear to your problems and a few words of wisdom may become important for your confidence.
The counselor may be able to instill in you the confidence to pull through the odds and help you see the problem as just another bump on the road.
Stay positive, whatever it takes. A positive approach will keep your morale high and give you the strength to take everything in your stride and move on without cynicism, grudge, and self-pity.
Mistakes To Avoid When Your Man Pulls Away
You may feel distressed when your man starts to pull away from you. However, your response to the situation can make all the difference. Here are some mistakes you can avoid to ensure you do not push him away further unknowingly.
1. Panicking and overreacting
Usually the first reaction to your man pulling away is panic. This may be followed by you overreacting to the situation. While it is natural, these reactions may also make things worse. In your panic, you may do or say things that may drive him further away rather than wanting to reconnect.
What to do: Remind yourself that his withdrawal does not mean that the relationship is over. Give yourself time to process your emotions before reacting.
2. Bombarding him with questions
Even if it is not your fault, your partner pulling away might make you feel guilty. It is natural to want to know the reason for his behavior. However, asking him too many questions like “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” or “Did I do something?” might overwhelm him. He may want space to process their feelings instead of engaging with you.
What to do: Give him the space he needs but let him know you will be available whenever he wants to talk.
3. Crying
Crying is a natural emotional response. But not all men can handle tears. If you cry too much about his withdrawal, he may feel pressured into doing things he is not ready to do. For instance, he might give you some unwanted answers before he has thought them through.
What to do: Cry if you want to, but do it alone or with a trusted friend. You may also cry in front of your partner but do it without expecting him to fix the situation. Do not use your tears as a weapon.
4. Becoming angry
Anger is often a part of such relationships. When you feel abandoned, you may lash out with accusations. Such hurtful words can escalate the situation and drive your man away.
What to do: Talk with him honestly but rationally. Do not let your anger seep into your words. If you want to vent, you may do so in the company of a close friend. Alternatively, you can write your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
5. Getting clingy
Some women may want to hold on tighter when their man is pulling away. They may text or call frequently and insist on spending more time together. This behavior may cause men to withdraw more as they feel overwhelmed with so much attention. They may need space to process his feelings.
What to do: Give him space without making him feel guilty for needing it. If you have clingy behavior, you might need to rethink your attitude. Try to focus on your hobbies, friends, and personal growth.
6. Assuming the worst
Your man may pull away from you for several reasons. However, making unfounded assumptions may harm your relationship. For instance, if you immediately assume that he is cheating or planning to break up, it will cause you anxiety.
What to do: Think of his past behavior and base your assumptions on that. If he has a history of caring and commitment, it is highly unlikely that he might be having an affair or might be planning to break up. Remind yourself that men sometimes pull away for reasons of their own, some of which may not even be associated with your relationship.
7. Stalking his social media
This is a great danger in today’s times. In their search for answers, you may start stalking your partner on social media and even message his friends or followers. Such behavior may spook your partner as it is creepy and invasive.
What to do: Resist the urge to stalk your partner’s online activity. Even if you check it, you can prevent yourself from acting on impulse. Remind yourself that his personal space is as important as yours is, and he will not appreciate you invading his privacy.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What are the signs of a man pulling away?
Some signs that may indicate that your man is pulling away may include:
- His texting frequency and promptness have reduced
- He refrains from initiating plans
- His attention levels are low and are giving you mixed signals
- He has a new group of friends or is being secretive
- He seems irritated all the time and doesn’t ask normal questions such as “how was your day?”
2. What to text him if he pulls away?
Try not to present yourself as needy or clingy if you feel your guy is pulling away. Avoid hurling him with several text messages. Your text should make him feel that you are ready to give him space and will be there to support him. Additionally, you can tell him that you are worried about him and ask him for an honest discussion. However, if this doesn’t work, you may try showing him that you are moving away politely.
3. How do you know if he will come back after pulling away?
Wondering if he’s hiding his true emotions? In such cases, look for signs that a guy is scared of his feelings for you. Some men may be phobic of commitment and pull away abruptly. They may still come around after some time. He may show signs of coming back, such as texting, behaving positively, showing interest in your activities on social media, calling you, and taking an interest in your life.
4. What communication strategies can help when a man pulls away?
Try to talk to him either through texts or personally. Tell him that his behavior is making you feel concerned for him. Ask him if anything bothers him, and assure him you will support him. You can even leave him a handwritten letter to make him feel more special. If this does not work, then do not nag him anymore. Instead, give him the time and space he needs.
5. How can men handle the emotions of pulling away in a relationship?
Emotions leading a man to leave a relationship can be complicated and overwhelming. Tackling them needs patience. They should be patient with themselves and their partner. If they still have feelings for their partner, they should try not to give up too soon. Instead, persevere and make efforts to come out of it. Wait until there is better clarity on the relationship.
6. How can couples rebuild trust after a man has pulled away?
To rebuild a relationship, the couple must first address the issue that led the man to pull away. Next, they should consider ways to ensure the issue is not repeated. The couple must then leave behind negative feelings and give another fresh start to their relationship, this time being more mindful of each other’s feelings.
7. How can a woman prevent a man from pulling away?
Firstly, ensure that he trusts you and can confide in you without the fear of being judged. Keep him happy and content in and out of the bedroom. Be open to fulfilling his desires. Do not pressure him for commitment. Commitment is essential, but avoid badgering him into doing it. Lastly, give him your attention and respect to make him feel wanted. Despite all these efforts, if he still pulls away, then know it’s not you; it’s him.
8. Can a man be pulled back into a relationship after he has left?
Yes. Men who have pulled back from a relationship can return when the issues are external and have nothing to do with the connection. For instance, a man could have pulled back because he was stressed at work, and the uncertainty may have bogged him down. However, once his work pressure eases and he feels more confident in his career path, he can appreciate how patiently his partner waited for him through his low period. He may even work harder on making the relationship work.
It is painful and depressing to find that a man you have been dating is growing apart or avoiding you. Some reasons why guys act distant even when they like you might include, fear of commitment, apprehension of losing control over their lives, or bitter past experiences which may be responsible for such behavior. He may need some space before committing and may not be sure if he feels compatible or emotionally connected with you. Your overpowering traits may also worry him. A positive and honest conversation may reveal why men pull away. Remember, understanding the reasons can empower you to respond thoughtfully and foster healthier communication in the future. You can try to make things work but do not go hard on yourself and move on with your life.
Infographic: He’s Getting Distant: How To Address
There are no quick fixes in relationships, but the right step at the right time may prevent damage. There are some measures that you may take if you feel your man is growing distant. Analyzing the reason is of prime importance. Check out the infographic below to know what to do in such cases. Illustration: Momjunction Design Team
Illustration: Common Reasons Why Men Pull Away After Getting Close
Image: Dall·E/MomJunction Design Team
Are you wondering why men pull away when things seem to be going great? Uncover the reason behind this behavior in this enlightening video, offering insights into this common relationship dynamic.
Personal Experience: Source
MomJunction articles include first-hand experiences to provide you with better insights through real-life narratives. Here are the sources of personal accounts referenced in this article.
i. In search of the perfect love: My journey with abandonment issues;https://medium.com/@grievencesofnewadult/222-2e72b6318bf4
ii. To Argue or Stay Silent?
https://pradipndas.medium.com/to-argue-or-stay-silent-5d94aed0f563
References
- Assessment and Management of Fear of Marriage among Young Adult; University of Lagos.
https://api-ir.unilag.edu.ng/server/api/core/bitstreams/8bb6ace5-e0ad-45a0-9ed8-b7fb1fb56bdc/content - Nur Irsya Alia Ahmad Shakir et al.; (2021); The change on partner’s behaviour after a specific time.
https://ir.uitm.edu.my/id/eprint/50652/1/50652.pdf - Anna H.C. Neo and Weining C. Chang; (2017); The Construct of Change in Close Relationships.
https://www.scirp.org/journal/paperinformation?paperid=77110
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